help, suggestions, advice... anything?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-07-2009 - 9:50pm |
I need some help with moving on with life and getting over things. I have moved up in life and changed my stars, but my past still haunts me and it leads me back to depression. I dont really have anything currently in my life that should put me in these moods, but my past always haunts me. My mom and bio father abused me. I use to be addicted to drugs (clean since May 05), I've been raped, beat by my ex-H and the only positive person in my life (my grandma) passed away when I was 13 and it made me feel like I was left alone against the world.
Growing up my mom and step dad were addicted to drugs and alcohol. We usually lived in a hotel, out of the car, or even at the lake. There were times we were able to rent a trailer to live in. I've seen things I can't forget and even though I moved out of state I was using drugs and I was putting myself in the same lifestyle. It lead to being raped, almost overdosing, etc. I finally woke up and stoped the drugs and started doing good for myself. But those things still get to me. I dont even know about how to go see a shrink or who ever I need. I get totally bummed out and depressed, feeling hopeless and lost. I get really negative and want to lock myself inside of a closet and choke on my own breath, if that makes sense.
I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I try to hide my pain and depression from. But we live together and we are pretty close and I cant hide it. It brings him down and he doesnt know how to deal with it. I dont want my past to ruin my future.
I dont want to die or commit suicide, I just want to be able to face the world with out remembering or thinking of all the things thats happened. I want to erase my childhood and pretty much everything untill the last 4 years. But it almost seems every day I get more and more mad and upset about it all. I just dont know how to close those doors. When I was in middle school I use to see a councelor and that did help, but who can I talk to now? I cant even afford to see anyone and how do I tell my b/f that I need to?
Its like I will be thinking and remembering a certian day or time and I will hate and be that much more upset about things. I try to think of ways to forgive and get over but I cant and it usually leaves me that much more upset.
I hope I dont sound crazy, but this is the depression place and I think thats whats wrong with me. Some days I feel so happy and secure, and I just want to be able to feel that way everyday. Please, any advice, comments, suggestions or anything at all is appreciated.
Thanks.

First of all, give yourself a lot of credit for surviving what was
First of all, pat yourself on the back for having the courage to post on this board.