should I go "back" to meds?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
should I go "back" to meds?
1
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 8:14am

Hi everyone -

I just had a birthday and took some time to take stock. For various reasons it was a tough year - I moved and broke up with my boyfriend because of it. The time leading up to it was very stressful with earning my MA while working full time. Then when I moved I couldn't find a job, and luckily I found one overseas in Asia just for three months. After that I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I say take stock because I was depressed a lot this year, and when I looked further back, I recognize that over the past 10 years, when I had periodic counseling but no meds, that I have been depressed a significant amount of the time. It's frustrating because I feel like I have worked so hard to avoid depression through healthy things like friends, lots of activities, spirituality, exercise, etc. The only time I sought counseling was when I had a breakup with a boyfriend. My mother died when I was a teenager and I have always found breakups incredibly traumatic. My friends would tell me I was the busiest person they knew. Looking back I see that I would do (and still do) just about anything to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't slip into depression. It is a relief when I have a boyfriend, because I don't feel so alone, but as a result I tend to be kind of needy and am usually paranoid that I will drive him away because of it.

I'm really frustrated because to an outsider it looks like I have a pretty amazing life. I have lived in a few foreign countries and done a lot of traveling to exotic places, and have skills to get a good job (though the economy has affected me lately). People tell me I'm a good musician and a fun person to be with. I have a nice family and for the most part get along with everyone well, though I haven't lived near them for several years because of work and school. I make friends easily. I was living near the beach before I moved and my boyfriend always treated me well. It's like WTF - why can't I just be happy?

Thinking about all of this has made me wonder about medication. I was on Prozac in college and tried a few others, like Paxil, since Prozac had some side effects I didn't like. I had counseling for about 3 years, and when I moved overseas for the first time and I felt like I had left it all behind. Now I just look at everything I do as pain avoidance rather than happiness-seeking. Lately I just don't feel any sense of pride or satisfaction in my accomplishments. On my MA graduation day I just didn't feel anything. I just cried since it had been so stressful getting it. I know I can feel really light and have fun, and when I'm with other people I usually do, but often by myself I feel this incredible sense of loneliness and emptiness. I just want someone to hug me and make it all better, like a little kid would.

There's so many things I would like to do, and think I could do. I'm smart and creative and good with people, but I feel like fear of depression is holding me back or depression itself doubting that anything would make me happy anyway, since I seem to have tried everything. If I can't be happy with all that I have, what's the point of trying anything else?

So that's why I thought I should give meds another try, just to see if it helps at all. I'll have to wait until I get back to the US and I have no insurance there. But I guess I just want to feel OK about it. Thanks for listening.

Malia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 5:30pm

Hi Malia: