Sick and lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Sick and lonely
9
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 8:49pm

So.... I've been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of past sexual assault and an abusive relationship, and I got attacked this summer which re-triggered the PTSD. Right now the hardest part of the PTSD is the depression element.

It's back again and I just hate this so much. Today is my Bday and I can't even get out of bed. It's been like this all weekend. I'm in law school but I can't get to class or study ever and I feel like I'm ruining this opportunity I worked so hard to get, but I just can't make myself care. And then when I think how much I'm ruining everything by falling behind I get so anxious and just want to stay in bed even more.

And it's the same thing regarding relationships with friends and my bf- as lonely as I am I don't know how to be around them and I push everyone away and only say negative things. My bf is sad watching me cry all the time, and I know it's wearing on him. He's been taking so much time from work and neglecting so much in his life trying to help me that he's worried he'll get fired from his job soon and he's lost like 20 lbs. It doesn't help that I want him around all the time and feel panicky when he tries to have a life of his own.

I keep asking myself what the point is- if every day is just going to be so heavy and hard and lonely... I just can't see any light. I've been in this place before and gotten out but I can't remember the "normalness" now or even see that it's going to come.

I'm at such a low point I don't know what to do. I'm hoping writing this will help. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Weds and a psychologist who I've seen 3 times before on tues or thurs. I just need help getting through this very low and very dark part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 2:57pm

Have you considered anti-depressants? I am so sorry that you are feeling that way you are. For me, when it got to the point where I could not make myself care about anything anymore, that is when I asked for anti-depressants. It has worked wonders for me. I feel like I have woken up to the world again. I hope your meetings help, it is very good that you are talking to someone.

~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 3:03pm

I am definitely going to ask for them at my next psychiatrist appt. I'll try anything to not feel so alone.

My boyfriend just broke up with me. I don't know anyone in this city. It feels like there is no reason for me to do anything anymore. I'm just so so so so sad and lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 3:07pm

I am sorry about your break up. Things can and will get better. The meds will really help. Is there a support group in your area you can talk to? A college campus counselor? Someone that might be able to get you in touch with people to be around?

~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 3:11pm
I feel like I don't even have the energy to initiate anything. All I do is lay in bed and cry. I want girlfriends again and to be happy again but I don't know how and I don't think anyone will like me anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 3:21pm

(I go by cl-mamma2three when I am CLing my boards. I accidentally kept that name on when I started posting here. It is still me, Mandy.)

Well iVillage is a great thing for you, then. :o) We are a bunch of supportive women that you can hang out with without having to go anywhere. What are you something that might interest you? Health and Fitness? The love channel? Movies and books? Lets find you a couple of boards where you can settle in and make some great friends. Some of my best friends are from the boards and are the first ladies that I go to in my life with things. One is now my "in real life" friend as well, as we met up when we realized we live minutes from each other. We are here for you.

~








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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 11:05pm

littleone,

You are not alone! I've suffered from depression the last 20 years of my life. I've been in therapy and on meds (the therapy helped somewhat, the meds I've tried have not helped a lot), but this is the first time I've been on a depression support forum.

Everything you said in your first post...from not being able to get out of bed (even on your bday)...to not being able to get to class or study...to not caring and alienating those around you...to having been here before but still not being able to remember what it feels like to be 'normal'...sounds so familiar to me, and I thank you for writing about it. Reading it made me feel a little less alone and confused and scared and anxious. I go through the same thing every few months for anywhere between a few days to literally 3 months. I just recovered from a month-long bout (and I think it may have had something to do with the comfort I felt from reading your post, knowing that I'm not alone and it's not ME, just my body).

Really, what you need to do during these times is hang onto the fact that it's temporary, that you've been here before and that it will pass this time just like it has in the past. Know how it feels before your period when you're just not yourself and grumpy at everything in the world? Well, this is the same thing but just more intense, and it's TEMPORARY. It is NOT you. It's something that happens to you when your neurochemicals are out of whack. This is not the real you! When I get like this, I try to be kind to myself (try to remove pressures; do things that are fun and relaxing if possible, if nothing feels fun or relaxing then watch movies to distract and entertain myself) and just ride it through. Do not make any important decisions, do not judge yourself, just ride it through until it goes away (and it always does).

I hope this helps, and I really hope you feel better.

take care,
Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 8:57pm
I'm sorry for how you are feeling and your boyfriend broke up with you. I've also struggled with my school stuff lately. I know how hard it can be when it takes all your energy to get through the lay. I take meds and they do help I'm a lot better then I was before. I still have some hard days and struggle. You are not alone and you will get through this. I know it might not feel like it right now but everything will work out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:45am

Hey Guys,

Thank you for all your responses and support. Knowing other people feel this same way is so helpful. It's horrible to be like this so I'm just trying to ride it through, like many of you have suggested. Within the last week I've had glimpses of being ok. For now I just need to keep waiting and waiting for this cycle to end and somehow try to balance everything I've been neglecting along with it.

Seeing the psychiatrist last week already seems to be helping; she started me on lexapro and clonazepram. I'm definitely calmer and a little more numb. My psychologist is also calling and checking on me in between appointments which helps me to feel and remember that I really am just sick and I need to do certain exercises, like talking to her on the phone and taking my pills, to get better.

Still, I'm not totally better and when I think of all the work I need to do and the break up with my boyfriend I just want to get back into bed and cry. But it's baby steps and I'm just trying to do one thing at a time, even if it is just sitting up in bed or just brushing my hair. I hope soon I can start having interest in things again. It also helps to know that people on here care and feel the same way and can relate.

So things are improving and that's good. baby steps for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 3:50am

I understand exactly what you're going through - I was feeling significantly better over the wkd...the clouds inexplicably lifted...but for some reason felt pretty crappy today again (maybe bc I only got a couple hrs. sleep last night). I did some work this morning, and the rest of the day pretty much consisted of me wandering around as if I was the last person on earth...lonely and in search of a way to feel better yet not wanting to see or talk to any of my friends/family. Couldn't really concentrate enough to work or even clean the house. It's very frustrating and painful to not be in control of your own body & mind and scary to not know how long it's going to last or when you're going to feel better. It's also hard to be on track in one's life with all of life's demands when you're not in control of your mood or focus (I went to law school too and had a hard time concentrating often when I was in undergrad.)

For me, distracting myself helps a lot...watching movies (not sad ones!) or funny & silly things on youtube can make the time pass less painfully. I'll literally do that for hours or days. I'm also trying to reprogram my thinking so that I can stop the negative thoughts more quickly when they come and turn them into neutral/positive ones, though I've just started trying to do that and need to figure out ways to do it - does anyone have any suggestions or resources for this type of exercise?!

Littleone, hang in there - there are people you can talk to. We're all going through the same thing as you are, and hopefully we can help each other through it!