Need help to cope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Need help to cope
12
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 7:16pm
I need help, but I thing it is too late.  I love my children, but I think they would be better off without me.  I just had back surgery and the doctor took me off of everything and it is hitting me hard.  All I do is cry and know that I am worthless.  I don't know where to turn anymore, I just want to be left alone and sleep and not wake up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 8:26pm
Are you ok? I know how horrible you are feeling. But it's not too late. Your dr. should have known better than to take you off your medications cold turkey. I'm having the same experience now coming off of an antidepressant (pristiq), and its HELL. Which is why I decided to try and find someone else to talk to that actually understood how I was feeling. Your not alone. You feel like you are, but trust me, your not. Don't keep these feelings to yourself, it only makes it so so so much worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 8:39pm

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 9:28pm

I think you need to really think about this relationship you are in, both for your sake and the sake of your children. First of all, any abusive of any kind is NOT OK. Not if he's bi-polar, not if he's "just really stressed out", not ever under any circumstance. He will never change his behavior, and if you ignore the way your children are feeling your only setting yourself up for more hardships in the future. I was the same age as your youngest when my parents divorced and I lived with my mother. We went through some really rough years after the divorce. We were broke and she couldn't find a job that could support us (after spending 20 yrs as a stay at home mom). There was also her string of really awful boyfriends. The worst one was really "crazy" (I don't know exactly what was wrong with him, but it was a combination of depression, alcoholism, and probably a little bi-polar). He was nice one minute, then verbally abusive the next. He used to drive by our house constantly, call and hang up, and this behavior all continued even after they would "break up" (usually it would escalate). Finally, after another break up, followed by his hysterical pleas to my mom to take him back, he showed up at our house in a rage. He was irrational, demanding everything he ever "gave" my mom back (tires, jewelry, clothing, EVERYTHING). He was outside shouting at her, shouting insults at me (I was inside at the window, phone in hand ready to call the cops), and I will never forget that.

I'm just trying to stress to you how bad this situation with your boyfriend really is. By exposing your kids to his behavior and abuse, you are setting them up to a) probably resent you for what they see as "choosing your boyfriend over them" and b) seek out equally abusive or disfunctional relationships themselves. Also, they are at the ages when depression usually rears it ugly head, so you should be on the look out for any warning signs (which your unfortunately all too familiar with yourself). Kids are more perceptive than you might think, and they probably are well aware of how sad you are. You need to focus on YOU, and YOU includes your children. Kick the boyfriend to the curb, and replace him with a best girlfriend that can help you get through these hard times.

It's hard to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel when you can't even remember what the light looks like. But there's no magic pill (trust me, I've tried them all) or overnight solution to any of this. Going back to school is a great start but things are not going to get any better unless you make some major changes to your life. Abusive relationships are a cycle. If your "taught" that abusive and love go hand in hand, it is hard to unlearn that on your own. You need to remember you are better than that, and your kids do not deserve to have to live in that environment. It is very very hard to be a single mom, but you don't have to settle. Try looking online and asking friends and family members for help or suggestions. Have you considered nursing?? It's a very indemand career you can have anywhere in the country, and the pay isn't have bad either. Plus, helping others is a great anti-depressant.

Sorry for coming on so strong. It's just that your situation is so much like mine. It's especially like my mothers. She never saw a light at the end of the tunnel either. But she chugged along, and last year finally remarried (at age 55) a great man that I couldn't be happier with. They moved to Oregon (her childhood home she had been homesick for for over 25 years) and seem to have found their happily ever after. I try to use her so called success story to keep me going, so i hope by sharing it with you, maybe it will help you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 11:37am

I'm sorry you're feeling down right now, I'm sure the combination of not having your medications as well as pain of recovery after your surgery are not helping matters any.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 12:12pm

I am sorry you are struggling with this right now. I think the other posters have spoken well and I agree with them. I recently tried to walk away from my family, thinking my kids would be better off. Now that things are getting better I see that they wouldn't have been. Wanting your kids to see a better side of you, try to use that to lift you out of this and to work on a healthy relationship. {{hugs}}

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 9:56pm

I can't believe your doctor just took you off all your medications at once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:01pm

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:12pm
I am very much having withdrawal symtoms and it is not fun at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 4:00am
If you are in a great deal of pain, I think you should speak to your Dr. sooner rather than later. The 18th is pretty far away, and it sounds like you are hurting pretty badly...I would contact him or her and let them know how you're feeling...it makes no sense to suffer needlessly. And I am pretty convinced that we are ALL put here to be happy. But life can also be unfair and challenging...everyone experiences their own challenges at some point, and everyone experiences happiness...that is not a reason for you to give up on being happy. First and foremost, take care of yourself, and when you feel better, I think you'll have more energy, and the hope and happiness will come back. Know that it will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 8:31am

perky, I agree with another poster that Nov. 18 is a long way away.

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