when you've tried everything...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
when you've tried everything...
9
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 11:49am

Hi. Long time lurker, first time poster. But since depression is almost impossible to accurately describe to someone who hasn't experienced it, I need advise from people who know exactly how brutal it really is.


I think I have always been an especially sensative person, and I tend to sponge the emotions of people and places and take them on as my own. But I was only diagnosed with severe clinical depression about 3 years ago. I havebeen on more meds that I can even name...some with awful side effects and some as useless as flintstones vitamins. I've been very committed to therapy and I do think I have learned a lot about negative thought processes and how to change them.


I am physically healthy, have a husband and family who love me, a roof over my head and a dead-end job...which is still a job!


But, what started as a fear has really turned into an awful truth - I am somehow unfixably faulty. I don't deserve all the good I have been given. And I can seriously say, as much as I can't stand thinking about the pain I will cause them, the people in my life would be so much better off without me. I am not a bad person...I am just a waste of breath and space and energy.


I can't be fixed. My soul is just....empty. I am always sad and I'm wondering.....how long does a person just float on the empty horizon before that take the decision into their own hands?


I am not a child. I just truly think I have wasted every opportunity I have been given and that there is some unfixable, unsavable part of me...and I am just so tired. Of what I am causing my family to go through, of how I feel every single day.


I feel like I have always known that suicide is the answer. It's like I have already read the ending of the book and have just been wasting time. So when do I just listen to my own heart? I know that supporting this is so incredibly not PC...but can anyone give me their hones opinion?


 


I am sooooooo sorry for the rambling!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 10:55pm

You say that you keep thinking about how long can you continue to put your family through this, they deserve better, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Fri, 11-06-2009 - 11:35pm

I absolutely agree; in fact,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 11:35pm

You are right - you can't continue like this BUT you are also right that your family shouldn't have to grieve your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 12:23pm

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.


I agree with tobylady, I have lost a family member to suicide myself, and I've seen the hell it's been on her immediate family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 9:46pm

What's keeping me here is absolutely the thought of the hurt and pain I would cause my family. I just...am so tired of being sad. It's like this thick cloud of gloom and I seriously think there is just something wrong with me...something that no amount of meds or therapy or change of thought process can fix.


It's like.. I am this old, condemned house. And you can paint the walls and put pretty curtains on the windows and it doesn't change the fact that the foundation is crumbling.


I don't want to hurt my family. Can anyone out there who has survived the suicide of a loved one tell me...can you ever get past it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 9:36am

"Can anyone out there who has survived the suicide of a loved one tell me...can you ever get past it?"


Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 9:44am

"Can anyone out there who has survived the suicide of a loved one tell me...can you ever get past it? "


In all honesty-no. My uncle committed suicide several years ago and it stunned us all. To this day his wife and children and the rest of us still can't understand why and the questions will go on forever. Until the rest of us who knew him depart from the earth that one question will continue on at family gatherings until no one remembers anymore.


Have you talked to your family members and friends and let them know how you're feeling?

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 10:28am

You say you are like an old run down house with walls cracked and crumbling foundation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 4:53pm

I identify a lot with what you're saying, but suicide is not an option.