having thoughts about dying

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
having thoughts about dying
5
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 6:26pm

I dont know if this is a place to discuss this topic and I dont know if this is depression but I am always soo sad..


It started last May when I finally reconnected with a long lost high school friend. I was soo happy when after


almost 18 years he still looked so handsome and funny and always laughing. We are both married and have


children, and we talked for hours and hours about our lives and how we turned out. Well for me I have always


been sad, i had a stepmother who always put me down and made me feel like the ugliest person on the planet


and she made sure I looked it as well. He never knew my problems at home and I told him that It was something that was never discussed for i was a person that thought what happens at home stays at home.


He sat next to me in homeroom for 3 years but we knew each other in Junior High for 2 so in total it was 5 years and I had like a small crush on him, but  I was so insecure and not strong enough to ask him out and it wouldnt have worked out bc my stepmother would have found a way to make me feel like crap and the only way to not hurt was to cut out my feeling which worked well. Well after graduation we went our separate ways and never saw him again. I feel for the first man who said I was pretty and took off once he got what he wanted and got prego and there at 20 I was alone and raising a baby all by myself. 3 years later i meet another man he was nice and caring and we got married and since then had 2 more kids.


Flash forward it is now 15 years later and I found my yearbook and low and behold i see my homeroom buddy, so for two years I tried to track him down and he was no where to be found.


As I see my kids growing up and having a life of their own, friends a social life, hanging out and red mango or subway I see in myself what I never had,
All I ever did was exist. I have never lived never enjoyed life, never dated, never held a mans hand or strolled in the park, all those little things that one thought you could live without, sadness crept in me for a long time. Old wounds began to open, and the sadness overwhelmed me. Then in May I reconnected in classmates.com and there his name was. I was like no it cant be, and he left me a message to call him. left his cell number and all. My heart, I am telling you, jumped, I was shaking. I wanted to call him that moment, but instead thought about it and text him the next morning I remember what I wrote, " are you a light sleeper" and he called me, oh my goodness to hear his voice and then he said he was going to stop by and see me, and he did.


I dont know if what happened next was a good thing or a bad thing, we meet up at my place of work and we talked for a while. Then as we were about to part I looked him in the eyes and said that he owed me something and he said "what do i owe ya" and then i leaned forward and kissed him. I just wanted to see if I kissed him back in high school, and what would I feel, for I have never really actually kissed a boy like that. The first kiss was a small peck, but the second one the earth moved and it was wonderful, I swear that he was the man for me, he was the love of my life and he was sitting right next to me all those years. How ironic huh?


well we saw each other for one month and had one intimate moment, perfect, and with him I experienced  what I never experienced, the strolls in the park, the hand holding little kisses here and there, and laughing and talking, but the summer came and we couldnt see each other as much and we started to drift, and there were other things too. I dont know if it was guilt in both our parts or just stress since we were both in financial strains and he being the man wasnt too happy to be out of a job after having a business for 18 years. Then I started to feel I dont know how to describe it but he wasnt calling me like he was, it was like drinking those energy drinks, you get this  high and now we were reaching the crashing point and it was hurting me,


oh we loved each other very much, but i think this love was not meant for this life, the love that we felt was 18 years ago. I mean if I had made a move or sent him a hint, I would be married to him now and we would be living a dream.


I havent heard from him since October bc I went nuts on him and told him to go  back to his normal life and be happy. I pushed him away, I felt bad bc i was soo happy with him and I dont deserve to be happy, that time for me is done. I only have to exist for my kids and my husband take care of them until I called home.


I sometimes want to go now. Take that fast exit and go to the next life and be with him. I know it is wrong to love and to want to be with someone else and to take care of him and love him always, he was my best friend, someone fun, and we talked about everything and anything that popped into our heads, he would listen and I would listen, Oh how i want to go back to that time. I miss him so much, and i want to end this pain, there are times when I remember the good times we had, short as it was, it was the best and i was soo happy, and when i think of that I smile and think i can go on, but then the sadness kicks in and i want to end it all, the pain is so immense, if only can find it in his heart to forgive my immaturity and call me and I can tell him that i had to let him go bc loving him was painful.


 


Well thanks for listening..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 12:11pm

I'm sorry you have so much sadness in your life right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 3:19pm

Yes I still married and he never knew about what I have done.. and no i have not sought therapy and deep I dont want to bc i know what goes on and I dont want to open doors or old wounds.


I was happy with him yes, but then for some reason things went downhill and

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 3:24pm

(((hug))) It is NOT too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 8:18pm

He was the only person who has made me truly happy and if I take the exit I will tell him that. The pain of not having my best friend, even if we had one intimate moment to relive our youth, I still want him as a friend and part of my life, but I blew it, everything I touch I destroy, We could have had a great friendship and rekindle our high school days, I found his address and will leave him a christmas note without my signature, he will know it was me and if he doesnt answer me or talk to me. I will seek him out one last time, and tell him that he made me happy, I am afriaid I know i will just do what i have to do, but he isnt to blame, i have been sad for along time.


My husband is a good man, been married for 15 years but my heart was never his, he was good man to my eldest daughter who her dad left us and I was looking for someone who would love her and take care of her. I was alone and even though I tried really hard it was hard to raise a child byself for 2 years I did and for a while my daughter grew close to my husband,but her teen years were a mess, her dad I dont know what he did to her, but he is a man who thinks he is better than everyone else, and my daughter got out of control and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 9:50am

I know it's scary, because I've been there (both as a single mom and married to someone I didn't fully give my heart to and who I knew I couldn't trust).