Long distance relationship & Depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2009
Long distance relationship & Depression
2
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 4:56pm
"I will start giving you some details just for you to understand a little better my situation and I thank you in advance. met the man of my life in 2003.We had to physically separate 3 years later bc he had to move for work to another country and was not ready to commit.He has a lot of emotional issues.He was married to a girl for 10 ys.He ended it bc he felt he was not happy in the relationship anymore.This relationship left him a STRONG feeling of guilt bc of the cheating, the breakup.After the breakup she got depressed and tried to commit suicide until asked for PRO Help.He was in love with this girl but was very young and from different social status.After 13years he still feels like he ruined her life.He has got a lot of "demons"and problems.He is a beautiful 35 yr old super smart man.He is an ex military guy now working as a civilian pilot.He is apparently very self confident and a bit "cocky" but inside very Insecure.Our relationship started off a little wrong bc of lies about his past BUT He is the only MAN of my life.His personal issues date back to the academy years during which he went through moments of depression and unsatisfaction for doing things that were not FIRSTLY His choices, passion but other people's (his father).Always been the first one at everything achieving a lot but not feeding what his heart really wanted.Right now he is going through a very tough time.He just accepted a new job which is a real good one but does not make him happy.He is alone (bc of his choice) in a different city where he has no friends/family.A city that he hates bc radically different from what he is used to. Emotional issues about his ex who is still on his mind and the feelings for me that are not clear anymore.He is still in touch with her for economical matters but things are still quite cold between them.She did not move on with her life, did not find a man to marry and this makes it worse to his mind.He is asking me time and space.We are not talking everyday and I stopped texting/emailing him bc this constant "presence" of mine just made it harder.It is VERY HARD for me bc of the Distance which makes EVERYTHING AWFUL but I am hanging in there and i want to support bc the most important thing to me is HIS HAPPINESS.No matter what it is.I feel very sad I hear him very depressed and unhappy and i would love to help BUT I dont know how to do it.I am only waiting for him to call me bc I know that when he does it it means he is ready for it.But I want to ask you HELP and ADVICE to go through this HARD MOMENT as best as I can.Is there anything I can do? Please I would REALLY need some help from an expert and I am sure you can help me.Sorry it was LONG and I thank you very much for SPENDING THE TIME ON READING IT."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 2:59pm

I wish I could tell you what to do, but only you know what's right for you and for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 11-14-2009 - 9:32pm

Hi! I am never good w/relationship issues;) I hope you will take Amy's solid advice & check out her link. I wanted to let you know that you are a wonderful person to be so concerned about your SO. Though he may not be in need of mental health help, it would be great if he made some connections in his new city. Many times when we are apart from those we love, we neglect our need for human companionship. Perhaps he would be interested in joining a house of worship, gym or service organization. I did find this article which may help:
Real Men Don't Get Help
By Ben Martin, Psy.D

The stigma still exists: "Real men" don't whine about their physical, mental or emotional problems. They work it out, suck it up or walk it off. Although more men are seeking professional help to overcome mental health issues, they often still feel stigmatized by society — mostly by other men — as being weak.

Why don't men ask for help?

Historically, boys didn't talk about their emotions or thoughts, so they failed to develop words to describe their feelings. The inability to name emotions made it difficult for boys to discuss their thoughts with friends or family.

Men and boys often dismiss most problems as nuisances, and try to solve them alone or through a network of relatives and friends. But some issues may seem overwhelming or too personal. Failure to address the problems may lead to depression.

Signs of depression

Men often hide depression by becoming workaholics. Other methods of covering up depression can include anger, drinking and withdrawal. In fact, many men reach the pinnacle of their careers and realize they don't have friends or an emotional connection with a spouse or lover. Many don't even realize they're depressed. Symptoms of depression may include:

* feeling more tired in the morning
* becoming more irritable
* becoming isolated
* feeling less satisfied with sex
* acting in ways their fathers did when they were depressed
* craving alcohol and food

Finding help

If you are having mental or emotional problems, consult your primary care physician or a professional therapist. Often a spouse, relative or close friend can point out the signs and suggest resources.

Men's activity groups, such as an evening basketball league, often can function as support groups. Once men form friendships, they tend to discuss personal affairs after finishing an activity. Men who have experienced similar problems may share their stories, assuring a friend in need that asking for help doesn't mean surrendering masculinity.

Waterfront Media, Inc.
GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan