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| Fri, 11-13-2009 - 11:05pm |
I had my appointment with the new therapist this week. I was exhausting to go through all the issues in my life at the moment. He was very analytical and practical about the things I was telling him. He spent a lot of time focusing on the problems with my husband. My husband moves from one addiction to another - alcohol, fishing, nicotine, hunting, and now exercise to the point of becoming severely underweight. As long as the addiction is not dangerous to him, I usually just ignore it and go on with my life. This means that over time I've developed a seperate life from our marriage. I knew I no longer loved him the way a wife should love her husband but I always thought I was just exhausted from the roller coaster I've been on, and that is a huge part of it but learning to live my life without him b/c he's been so focused on his various obsessions is also a huge part of it. I had never really thought about it that way.
He also believes that one of the reasons that the problems with my church have hurt me so deeply is because my life without my husband was rooted in my church. Now I don't have that and I don't have a life with my husband. My kids have grown up and moved on.
My "career" is just a series of part-time jobs with no real future in them. So I have no future in my jobs, no life with my husband and my life with my church family is also gone. I knew all these problems existed and I knew they were upsetting me but I never really but them altogether in my brain before. No wonder I'm depressed - I honestly have no life and don't see my getting one any time soon. The problems with my husband are not going to go away overnight, if ever. The job situation is definitely not going to change - I've been trying for several years but without additional education I will never be able to teach college full-time. At my age, it doesn't make sense to spend the money on a PhD, especially with so few jobs available. So either, I continue to work doing what I enjoy part-time or do something I enjoy less full-time. I've been hurt so deeply by my church that it will take a very long time to build those relationships again. So there's not a very easy or quick solution to this mess that it is my life.
I do believe that this therapist may be able to offer me some skills to cope better with all these issues. He is a man that has a deep faith and is familar with church related problems so I believe that he is the best person to work with at this time.
I also had a follow-up pap in the same day. While I was there, I spoke with my med doc about my depression. She rechecked my thyroid. She also doubled my Cymbalta dosage - 120 mg and she wrote me a prescription for Ambien so that I can sleep. I have trouble getting to sleep and then I dream that one of the teens that I used to work with is in some sort of trouble and needs me and I'm not there. Then I wake up and can't go back to sleep. This started in early Sept. so maybe if I can get some sleep things will get better.
So I'm hoping that between the therapist and the med change, things will get better. However, after seeing the therapist, it is becoming very clear to me that this is going to be a long time resolving. But I worked for several years to learn to deal with some incest issues and I got there. I also had to work very hard to learn to deal with a very rebellious teen daughter and I got there. I will get through this too - it just isn't going to be quick or easy.
Thanks for listening! And have a good weekend!

Hi Toby:
Thank you for the support.