Sad, Scared, Frustrated
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| Sat, 11-14-2009 - 10:25pm |
I'm sitting in the empty dining room trying to keep myself busy by browsing the internet. My family (my younger 19 year old brother who's home from school, my youngest brother and my parents) are in the living room relaxing and talking.
I got into an argument with my dad yesterday over the state I'm in. I'm 20 years old and have been out of college for about a year and a half due to my depression that was diagnosed two summers ago. Up until recently I've always been a hard working and pleasant person, but I have the worst down days now. It would not be possible for me to be in school like this. I've stepped away from the social scene as well. I talk to my closest friends once every few weeks (it's hard they're all away at school) and I even try to stay away from my family. I'm Indian and although my family is very well adjusted my parents still have strong Indian values and expectations. As the oldest daughter of the family I'm suppossed to be "the pride and joy, the prospect of the family, responsible, motivated, growing up and becoming an adult."
I was heading down the right path before all of this. Good grades, beautiful friendships, a good life.
Sometimes, I just want to end it all. Sometimes, I just can't handle being the abnormal/sick one. I'm getting impatient with therapy and my meds. I'm so tired all the time. I just want to sleep. I want to be invisible . . .
::sigh::
Sorry, this post is a downer. Take care out there everyone
Aimee
Edited 11/15/2009 2:32 am ET by thislady25

Aimee
I agree with Deb - sometimes, it takes a while for meds to work or to find the right one for you.
Hey sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in college when I first got diagnosed with depression. I did not get much support from my family; my dad did NOT understand what I was going through at all and I used my pocket money to pay for my therapist. When I told him I felt suicidal, which took everything I had, he told me I was being selfish. I understand about Indian parents too. You are doing what you have to do to get better and that has to be your priority - don't worry about anything else, no matter what they say.
I think older generations don't understand depression nearly as well since it was probably not discussed much and if a family member had depression it was hushed up.
I've had a recurrence of depression after a rough year when I broke up with my boyfriend, moved twice, and was unemployed for three months. I wanted to tell people what was going on and started by sending them articles about dysthymia which I've had for 20 years now. So showing your dad something from Wikipedia or a medical article might convince him that what you are dealing with is real and serious.
You say you don't talk to your friends much, but support from friends really helps when you're depressed. Do you have a few friends that you really trust that you can talk to regularly? Also, is there a support group in your town you could get to that would give you the chance to talk with people who can really understand what you're going through?
Reading really helps me feel more hopeful and more in control; right now I'm reading the Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams (it's about meditation). You would probably like books by SARK, and I found the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns had some good, practical strategies. And you might want to cultivate a new interest you can do while you're at home, like a craft, reading poetry, or yoga.
Big hugs to you Aimee, don't give up hope! You are seen and you are loved.
Michelle
Thank you guys so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I'm really comforted and moved by your support and advice. I'm doing okay today and feeling more at ease with taking all of this time off school and life to get better. I do have a few close friends that I really trust and I called them both yesterday. They're coming home next week for their Thanksgiving breaks so they'll be around for me. I think being home almost all the time
I'm so glad you are feeling a little better.
Aimee, another book is "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon.
Aimee, I'm glad you're feeling better today!
If you can, doing some kind of volunteer work is a real mood lifter. I try to do something every week like help clean up a stream with a local group. It's good exercise, and I know I'm helpful, even in a small way. Good for you for doing some baking and reading! I hope you have a good time visiting with your friends next week. Big hugs.
Michelle