Just venting
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| Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:12am |
Hi everyone! I have been replying to posts for a while here, and it feels really good to be able to support other people. That has really been the silver lining of going through depression.
I just want to share that I have been really depressed for about a month now. On my 34th birthday I realized that I have had dysthymia for at least 20 years, and that really bowled me over. Every major difficulty I've had in my life has meant a prolonged period of depression. My mom's death, my best friend's death, and the end of various relationships (usually I ended them but the loss was still unbearable).
Usually I'm pretty upbeat and try to frame my life in a good light...and be thankful for what I have. And I do have a lot. But I'm sure most of you know that it's impossible to just switch the depression off. I'm just so incredibly frustrated that depression has ruled my life for this long. I've done a lot of traveling (more than 50 countries) and "crazy" things, but I think it's because my "normal" life brought me so little happiness that I did whatever I could to escape it. I have two degrees but when I got my MA last year I didn't feel like it meant anything...I didn't feel the least bit proud of myself.
Right now I'm working in Japan after I quit my job in Hawaii. I broke up with my boyfriend because my job opportunities were limited there and I tried to get a job on the US mainland because I missed my family and felt really lonely in Hawaii. I was and still am totally in love with him but he was adamant that he wouldn't leave Hawaii. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
The economy was really bad when I moved and I couldn't find a job in the US but I got an offer in Japan. My contract is up soon and I have no idea what to do next. I am applying for jobs and PhD programs for next year but I don't really want to do any of that. The idea of committing to anything makes me feel exhausted already. I feel so hopeless and alone. I don't feel like any of my friends or family could possibly understand what I'm feeling, except the friends who've had depression. In the past my family has not been really supportive. In fact when I was in college and I told my dad I was suicidal, he told me I was being selfish and if I dropped out of college he would kick me out of the house, and I guess that still haunts me.
I feel like there is so much I could do with my life if depression wasn't a factor. There is so much that I am interested in...I imagine being like Jane Goodall and going into the rainforest and studying monkeys or writing a book or starting an NGO. But it takes so much time and effort just to take care of myself and keep some kind of positive attitude. I can't even stand being alone much of the time. Life feels like this huge chore most of the time. I am just so tired of this.
I really want to try meds again (I did in college but gave up due to side effects) but I am scared about going broke since I have no health insurance in the US thanks to our f'ed up health care system. I know I should have meds, a good therapist and a stable situation, but it's not in the cards at the moment. My life is just not what I want it to be. My friend who is married to a wonderful guy just told me she's pregnant and I cried for an hour. I want to feel happy for her but I just feel sorry for myself. I just want to go "home" but I don't have one, literally or figuratively. I don't really feel safe anywhere.
I even feel bad for complaining. My life could be so much worse. But I haven't really talked to many people about how I'm feeling lately, and this is a safe place.
Thanks for letting me vent, everyone...
Hugs,
Michelle

Michelle - that was a good post.