Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2009
Please help me.
9
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 8:20am

I’m twenty-two years old and I believe I’m suffering from severe anxiety and depression. I may even be bipolar and I have no idea how to fix it or handle it. I’ve shut myself out from the world. Literally. I‘ve been at home for four to five years, I don‘t even know anymore, and I don‘t go out, I don‘t interact with anyone that doesn‘t live in the same house with me, I don‘t talk on the phone or email anyone although I‘ve tried and it‘s failed horribly and because of those failed attempts I‘m too nervous or afraid to try again. I don’t have any friends and I don’t talk to any of my family regularly, and the ones I do talk to every so often I always end up arguing with. It’s getting even harder to talk to them and I find myself just nodding to them now, if not completely acting like I’m ignoring them, instead of trying to engage in starting a conversation. I actually rather they just left me alone and acted like I didn���t exist even though deep down I‘d love it if we could just be a normal family.



Currently I’m living with my mother, father, and my sister who is the same age as I am and they all know about how I am because I’ve told them about it. None of them know what to do about it though. I asked for help from my mother and what she said to me was “but it cost money” because I was asking for audio cd’s on how to get over anxiety and depression that I saw on an infomercial one day. I had to ask her because I couldn’t bring myself to call for them and even if I could I don’t have any money to pay for them myself because I don’t have a job. The saddest part of it, though, was that when I asked her for the tapes I did it in writing, holding up the note when she came downstairs because I was crying and couldn’t bring myself to ask verbally. It didn’t seem to show her enough just how badly I needed help or for her to do this for me since the whole money comment was what she’d said to me. After I realized that money was more important to her than I was, which is something I’ve always known and shouldn’t have been surprised about, I’ve closed her out even more and my relationship with her and my father became practically non-existent because I figured that they don’t really care that much about me even though I know they love me and that what I think is not true. But it’s how I’ve come to view it.



I feel like I’m stuck in this hole that I can’t get out of, and everyone that passes it and sees me in it doesn’t want to do anything to help me get out and at this point I’ve given up trying to get out myself. I’ve also given up on trying to live normally because I can’t even see how it’s possible anymore. To me, I’m ruined as a human being and a normal person. I don’t see any way to fix it or any way to change my life around. I feel lost and helpless and every time I try to do something to make things better it always backfires and I fall even deeper into the hole I’m trapped in. I have no one to talk to about it and I’m too weak in my heart and mind to even try anymore. I’ve already begun to believe that this is how I’ll be for the rest of my life and I’ll just waste away in my parents home, alone and sad and abandoned. I don’t know what telling this to anyone will do, because I know it won’t help, even with all the encouraging words I might receive, but I thought that maybe I would try just to see if it could. At least then I could say I did try and I’m not an utter failure to myself and my life.



I feel like I know why I’m so broken, at least partly why. My life hasn’t been the best one, but I never complained about that. It never bothered me. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school that my depression and anxiety really started to show itself. My parents always made everything a big deal while I was growing up. We never had enough money, we got kicked out of the places we were renting because it was our (my sister and mine) faults because we made it a mess. My mom abused her medication and was a zombie almost every night of my life growing up, or so it felt since those memories are the strongest, which made it so my sister, me, and sometimes my dad had to take care of her. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I was supposed to be the kid. Also, she had a horrible relationship with my father who was a drinker. She’d even kicked him out of the house a couple times. It wasn’t until recently, when they gave up on their lives, around the same time that I started getting depressed that they stopped their old ways and bad habits and locked themselves in their room. They stopped living. They never go out, they never talk to anyone. My mother has had one friend within seven years until the woman moved and my father hasn’t done anything since he’d had a heart attack back when I was ten, I think. They use their disabilities as excuses and they’re afraid of everything. They’re even afraid of life. I feel like that plays a huge role in why I am the way I am, too. They gave up on us, on my sister and me, and stopped supporting or pushing us. I feel like they would just sit by and watch me wither away, and they are doing just that when I think about it. Knowing that the people who are suppose to be there for you and protect and help you are willing to do that destroys a person.



I guess the other half of my anxiety spawns from all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I dropped out of school just as I was about to finish it. I don’t even know why I did it. I went to a different type of school to finish, away from my friends, and when I needed my mom to go get a book, which cost a hundred dollars that I was going to pay for, she refused and when she did I gave up on that, too, and just quit altogether. I regret it so much. I think I only needed a half a math credit to graduate. I still haven’t finished school because I’m too ashamed and afraid to show my face there again. I feel the same way when it comes to contacting friends or family. The embarrassment and shame is overwhelming. I don’t know how to overcome it and I’ve tried so hard, so many times. I know the first thing people will ask me when I see them is what I’ve been doing with my life the last few years, or if I’ve finished school, and all I’ll have to say to them is no, I haven’t finished it and/or I’ve been doing nothing but sitting around wasting away for all these years. I don’t want to go through that and so I stay home and I stay isolated, but I don’t want to be this way and I don’t want to live this way.



What should I do? What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 7:25pm
i have a grown daughter that still lives at home and cant hold a job, i believe she is bipolor and deals with depression. i also fight depression daily. check on your local health dept. they offer free help if you can't afford it. also i'm not a church goer but i also got help through the church. when you think no one cares don't ever give up keep looking before you know it you will find someone to listen and it does help to talk about it.find onr small thing about yourself not your family that you want to change and start working on it.and try to make yourself do it. it won't be easy at first. i have found myself not wanting to take a bath, i cry everyday. and i just don't want to go on. but i make myself . i'm going to the health dept. for help for myself i truly hope you will also. i'm asking as a mom to try not to give up i wish you all the luck in the world
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 11:03pm

Welcome to the board!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2009
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 11:04am

Thank you all for responding to my message. It came to a surprise to me just how much it actually is helping hearing from people who seem to care about me, want to help me and are experiencing the same things. I will try and find out some information on a health dept. but I'm afraid at the moment I won't even be able to go out and look into it because I'll get too anxious. Hopefully soon I can overcome that and seek some more help besides talking about it on here but for right now this is what I'm most comfortable with.


I do try and go on a walk at least once a day to get out of the house but when I do I find myself desperately trying to avoid passing by or running into people and to do that easier I mostly walk at night. I'll go out of my way just to make sure I won't walk past anyone or have to talk to anyone and it confuses me because inside I would like to be able to make some friends and get close to people. I want to change. I want to be able to talk to people and function normally with

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 5:30pm

Can I call you Jennifer?


I am glad you posted again.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 7:34pm

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a bad place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 2:54pm
How are you doing????
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siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 4:09pm

Please understand that I know exactly how you are feeling. When I read your post I thought, "Wow, I could have written this word for word to describe myself." I know I need help, but I am so afraid to talk to people that I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything about my depression and anxiety.

I'm 26 and still live with my parents. Half the year they go to Florida, which means half the year I live alone. I become half sick when I have to go to the grocery store to buy food. If I have to walk around in public, I keep my eyes to the ground to avoid eye contact and pray I don't run into someone who wants to talk to me.

I wish I could offer you some advice. All I can do is say that I know how you feel, and there is someone else in this world who is feeling the same exact things as you.

I blog all about it:
31 Million Seconds
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 4:24am

I've never posted anything here before, but when I read what you wrote I was kind of relieved that someone out there is in a situation so similar to mine. I'm twenty three and live with my mom and twin sister and I don't work because my anxiety and shyness is so bad that I can't talk to anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2009
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 8:30pm

I'm sorry I haven't responded in a couple of days but