I don't know what I'm doing on here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
I don't know what I'm doing on here....
4
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 12:05am

I feel like I'm really losing it.


 


I'm 22 years old, I'm the mother of two beautiful children -- a four year old girl and a four month old boy. They mean the world to me. But I can't seem to snap out of it.


It seems like it's been one thing after another. I guess I should start from the beginning as much as I can.


Last May, I broke things off with the father of my daughter. He abuses drugs, wouldn't snap out of it and settle into a family life so I got sick of it... enough was enough. Later on, in August, I met the guy I'm with now... the father of my son. I fell for him, hard. I love him more than I can describe...


In November I found out I was pregnant. Fine, great, I was really excited. In April, due to complications I had to go out of work on disability. From my disability insurance I was only getting $80 every two weeks, compared to the $800 I had been earning. So that put is in a really bad spot financially. Needless to say, the bills have piled up a bit.


About my boyfriend... Things have been pretty rocky with us. About three months after we started dating I got an e-mail from his ex-girlfriend. She was informing me about their relationship and wanted to know when I had started dating him. I asked him about this girl and he flat out lied to me about it. Then I found out he had e-mailed another girl telling her he loved her. He lied to me about that, too. He signed up for a couple of dating sites with profiles saying he was looking for girls in our area. He was e-mailing back and forth with girls telling them how beautiful they were, etc. It made me feel horrible and ever since, I've doubted him with everything. I don't know whether or not to believe him when he tells me things. About three weeks ago, I found out he was sending messages to a girl he had been intimate with before... asking her to meet him. She told me so herself. But he tells me that he was trying to talk to her about me, and ask her advice on how to handle my insecurities. I don't believe him. We keep fighting because of this... But I can't seem to get past it. I don't think I can believe him anymore. I don't know if he really loves me like he says he does. Don't get me wrong, he does a lot of really great things.... but all these old things with other girls... He says I should just give it up and move on... it's been almost a year now since it's all happened (except the thing three weeks ago) but I can't seem to let it go.


I lost custody of my daughter. I filed for custody of her and I didn't have the money for a lawyer... Her dad hasn't ever been there for her. I've been her sole support and taken care of her on my own without any assistance from him... The judge said it was a "coin toss" and that he was giving him custody because he had a bigger support network... Meaning his mother only works part-time so she could take care of her. After the trial it came out that he had multiple drug convictions.  Since he's gotten custody of her, she's having accidents again all the time, he has sent her to school in dirty underwear... Everytime I pick her up, she's exhausted. (I'm currently appealing but it takes time...) He's hardly ever there when I'm picking her up and dropping her off... It's like they gave his mother custody over me. I take good care of her. I try to make sure she has a healthy diet, limit TV time, encourage her to be active. We read together, play games together... She's everything to me.


I don't know what to do anymore. I just seem to be at a limit of what I can handle. A lot of bills are being turned over to debt collection because I don't have the money to pay them. My boyfriend doesn't have patience for me anymore. It's driving me crazy what's going on with my daughter... I feel so helpess. I really don't have anyone I can turn to. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids........ but I keep having thoughts about giving up... about ending things. I know how horrible of me that is but I can't help it or stop the thoughts..... I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 9:27am

Sending you a big hug!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 8:24pm

I'm 22 as well...and like the woman before me I'm sending you a big hug as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 10:23pm

Welcome to the board!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 5:45pm

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.

Hi! I am so sorry to hear what you're facing): It must be hard not having your baby. Clearly you are in distress. Though we aren't professionals, it seems depression may be @ the root of the suicidal thoughts. Understandably, so. In fact, even w/out the troubles w/finances & your bf, etc. having given birth recntly may be adding to the feelings you have. I had an awful spell of anxiety/depression after the birth of my second dd. I had ppl around to support me, but that didn't seem to matter. I simply could NOT pull myself out of the funk I was in. Hormonal changes & the physical changes from having a baby play havoc on our emotional state.
Others advised you to seek help. ITA. This usually doesn't get better on it's own. The powerlessness, frustration & anger you must feel when the current situation doesn't change & you face the *same old, same old* day in & day out is undermining your recovery. If you're in the States, call the local mental health usually listed under county services. They can direct you to low-cost & even free care. They might have counseling available or a support group. They usually have medication help if a health care professional prescribes it. Call a friend or family member to help you. Keep yourself safe!
There is no shame in asking for help. This is a common & treatable condition. There is no shame in having it. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. The shame is that it has led you to such sadness, that being out of the picture seems better than sticking around. Life is rarely a bed of roses. Just when we get everything figured out, another challenge faces us. The point is that life is life. It's worth living though you can't see it now. You are a person of worth. You matter. You deserve better. You have two children that depend on you & deserve to have a mom that's feeling better. Please do the right thing. The kids are too little to tell you, but I will. They will always need their mom! They will have to live with the grief, guilt, & stigma of a mom that took her own life & wonder what they did that caused it):
You CAN & WILL get better. Please keep in touch w/us. We care about you. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan