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| Wed, 12-09-2009 - 1:43am |
My name is Jen and I've been fighting depression and anxiety for so long now it seems like a never ending uphill battle. I know it probably always will be. I take meds for it, seeing both a counselor and a psychiatrist. It just feels so draining when I get into one of my holes; wanting to sleep all time or not being able to sleep. Not wanting to do anything, feeling worthless to my family and anxious when I go to my job. I just hate being in these time periods and I wish they wouldn't come at all.
This time of year is particularly hard because I think SAD sets in along with the regular major depression and anxiety. I tend to be down more and be more of a hermit. I hate the cold and the early darkening. This year I can't even get into the Christmas spirit and I feel terrible because I have a 3 year old who is so excited about it all.
I grew up in an abusive household, so most of my problems stem from there. In seeing a counselor, I want to get past that and look to the future though. I want to be able to re-work how I think of things so that I don't let these times get me so far down. It just seems so hard sometimes.
I have a wonderfully supportive spouse and a beautiful son. I have a great job as a nurse. I write for my hobby and I feel that goes well. I love to read and watch TV shows. I KNOW that my life is good. It's just that my brain doesn't and it's a scary reality to know that for every up there is a down coming somewhere.
I guess why I'm joining a board and wanting to talk to people this time is because I'm having a particularly hard time dealing with this nosedive into depression/anxiety. It felt like I was just getting my feet under myself on new medications and winter sweeps in figuratively kicks the rug out from under me.
I have clear goals in mind. I see my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to ask him to up some meds and change some others. I'm hoping that will do the trick. But even knowing I have goals, I can't seem to get rid of the constant anxiety as I wait for the dates to approach for my appointments. It's like a ticking time bomb in my head and it's really silly because it's not life or death.
These past few weeks have been ucky. I'm tired all the time, but yet I can't sleep. I've gained five pounds from comfort eating and I can't go to work without taking my Xanax where I can usually go the whole day without it at home. I want to work on exercising more and eating better, but when you get into one of these funks all those things seem to much harder. And I wonder if I should just ride this all out or try to make changes? But if I try to make changes I get more anxious, yet not making changes I get anxious. This is a no-win situation, lol!
I'm 32 and I've been fighting depression and anxiety since I realized I first had it when I was 19, so I know I'll be fighting them all my life. My own personal little demons, ones I'd like to drop-kick to another planet. I wish there was a support group around here that I could meet people in person, but since there isn't that I've found so far I would really just like to find people I can talk to about this that understand.
My spouse is wonderful and he tries so hard, but he doesn't suffer from either of these and I don't always want to be the burden on him. Reading some of your stories on here has bolstered me to talk more freely about mine with people. I'm hoping that by maybe talking about it with others it'll help me get through the tough times better or maybe even faster.
Thanks for reading, guys.
Jen

Welcome Jen:
Jen, you could have written your story and put my name on it.
Thanks so much for replying! It's weird how I forget my accomplishments or that I even made them while struggling through depression continuously. Thank you for reminding me. :)
My fiance shares an abusive childhood and he also had situational depression with his first divorce so I am really lucky in that he understands where I am coming from. But it really helps to talk to other people who are continuously going through what I am.
I cannot wait until my appointment with my psychiatrist. I keep thinking about the med adjustments I want to make and the appointment can't get here soon enough. I wish I could quit having anxiety while I wait too.
My fiance is so wonderful about helping around the house. I got a great one here.
Thanks again so much for replying. It's so strange isn't it, how one small thing can send us spiraling down when on another day it might not bother us at all? I hate that but I guess it's something we just continuously work through.
I try reading self-help books too and books where others have suffered through depression. It's funny, but I find that books where others talk about their ups and downs more relatable than the the books where I try to find something to help change the way I think.
Thank you again, and take care! Jen
Thank you for replying!
sometimes I wish this time of year didn't exist. I love it for so many reasons and I know I need to look for the reasons I do love it. I just can't seem to stop the downward spiral from it getting dark so soon and being so miserably cold or rainy. My counselor says it's because it's a physical thing and that my body just is used to doing this. So it's really insidious and hard to just stop.
Gosh... You guys are all so strong for having dealt with depression for so long. I feel like I haven't had to deal with it near as long as you all and yet you are still here talking about it and it makes me feel like there will always be up and down times, but... I don't know, somehow that's less disheartening than I suspected. It's nice to know that. To know that there isn't necessarily just sometimes wrong with 'me' if I'm making any sense here!
It just gives me hope. It makes me realize that yes there are these times but there will be the good times too. I just have to keep working through and keep finding ways to improve it.
As someone who must be active, I can say I will find retirement hard myself! It seems the more time you have on your hands the less you want to do things when you are in a slump. It is easy to fake it to people, and I don't think a lot of people realize just how many of us suffer from the same things.
You are right though. It isn't a cure thing. It's more of a manage thing and just that we keep plodding on, always searching for new ways to help ourselves. It's hard sometimes though, huh? Some days I wonder if maybe it is okay just to hide our heads under the covers. I hate it when I do that but sometimes it's all I want to do and my fiance is wonderful about understanding that. I am so lucky.
My biological father was never involved in my life and all my step-dads up until I was 17 were emotional abusive. My mom was just totally emotionally abusive and controlling. I am better at the forgiving her part, but living in that for so long I have gotten my brain all wired wrong, lol! It's taking so long to even get to where I am now. I just think I need to learn to accept that I can't 'cure' me like you said. Maybe if I can accept I just have to keep learning to heal myself in different ways I will deal with these down times better.
Thank you again!
Jen
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~~The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost