Know I need help but scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Know I need help but scared
1
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 9:04am

I have had depressive and/or bipolar symptoms since I was a teenager. Both my mother and paternal grandmother have manic depression, and I lived through the consequences of being a depressive teenager with a bipolar mother (who I realize could not control her episodes). Because of my difficult relationship with my mother in my teen years, I have always had a stigma about seeking help, and felt I could just keep trying to control it.

Part of this is because I don't want to admit I am like my mother, who would go through episodes where she would scream and accuse me of things I had not done on a weekly basis, or that I have a mental illness, since I saw my grandmother, who is also schizophrenic, go in and out of mental institutions my whole life. I think deep inside me, there is that part that just doesn't want to know, doesn't want to confirm it.

Especially since I have a husband who I know is not comfortable when I talk about my suspicions. I really think he is scared. He saw how my mother was before she was properly medicated. I am also afraid of how he will see me. That all of our arguments where my depression may have led me to be irrational at times did not start on valid concerns about our relationship.

However, in recent years, I have reached a point where I can no longer help myself. I know I need to seek professional help. Not only is this starting to affect my personal life but also my work life. I was on the fast track at work, but because of my illness, I eventually had to go another path in my career because I couldn't handle my illness and the pressures of a high profile position. While now I am in a much less stressful situation, and enjoy what I am doing, I still feel that glimmer of my illness affecting my work.

But, every time I go to seek a provider, I get paralyzed. What if I don't get along with the doctor? What if they give me medicines that really mess me up? What if I completely lose my sex drive on the meds (as did with birth control) and end up damaging mine and my husband's relationship even more?

I have a toddler and I don't want her to go what I went through when my mother was not on medication. Now she is on her medication and our relationship, and her relationship with my father, has improved tremendously. I have seen the results. But I am scared.

Can anyone who has been there help me move past these fears and get the help I need? What have been your experiences with doctors? Meds? Your relationship with your spouse through the process? What do you do when your doctor doesn't accept insurance and you have to bill after the fact? Does your insurance ever not accept it? Doctor's costs are so expensive.

I know I need help. I just need to feel prepared to take this step.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 5:57pm

Hi hopingforpeace, glad you found us.


Ok, I am no trained expert, but just my own personal experience so if any of this will help you.


My health insurance covers all but $20 copapy to therapists within their network.