Just found this board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Just found this board
6
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 1:15pm

Howdy. Newcomer here. I've been battling depression since I was a teenager and am now in my 30's. I was on medication for quite a few years and had gone to therapy off and on, but due to not having adequate health insurance to cover mental health, and also due to me wanting to "try being off medication," I have been trying to manage it on my own for several months now.

The first time I noticed symptoms of depression was when I was about 12 going on 13 (19 years ago!!!), and it was Christmas Day. I remember it clearly. My parents had been fighting that morning, and then, there were some things I had wanted that "Santa" didn't bring me...I know that makes me sound selfish...but it was the first year that Christmas had lost some of the "magic" it had when I was a kid. So, some years, I have a hard time not associating Christmas with depression and feeling sad. This holiday season has been particularly difficult for me due to some life changes (my dad passed away last year...last holiday season, I was in a happier place, living with happier people, so his passing was easier to cope with...this year is different because I am living with my mom and brother, who I am not happy living with, and I miss all my family and friends from "home", which is 1500 miles away).

When I was in my mid-20's, I decided to try medication. It worked great at managing my depression, but I have been without it for quite a while now, partly due to choice, partly due to not being able to afford it. It had pros and cons - I loved not crying so often...but I didn't love the almost daily headaches or the sexual side effects (I found a drug that had fewer sexual side effects than others...but they were still enough to be bothersome).

I have a boyfriend of 7 months who just told me he wishes to join the military. I am crazy about him, and since we worked together until he quit last week to better prepare himself to enter the military, I haven't been seeing him as often as I did before...so that has made me feel depressed. He used to be there all the time to give me hugs and kisses when I needed it. If I called him up and told him I was having a breakdown and needed him, he'd come see me if he could...but it's different than when I used to see him nearly EVERY day at work. The thought of being unable to hug or kiss him for any significant length of time distresses me (thankfully, he won't be going anywhere for several months).

Sorry if this sounds rambling. I'm just thinking all over the place, trying to cope with this time that's supposed to be happy. I didn't even send out my Christmas cards this year. I bought them. But my heart wasn't in sitting down and writing them out. I may simply send them to my immediate family. One thing that makes this year so difficult for me is that my mom is very excited about Christmas because my brother and I are here with her. But we aren't excited to be here; she is an alcoholic and somewhat of an eccentric - doesn't really have much going on in her life except for us, which makes us feel obligated and drained. I just don't feel as close to her as I did to my dad (they were divorced for 10 years prior to his death...she talks about him as though they never split), and one of her favorite topics of discussion when she's been drinking is my dad. This is one of the many reasons I do not enjoy being with her.

Wow, I am really tired (I work a third shift retail job so it's "after midnight" for me), so I apologize if this is too long/makes no sense. I just felt like pouring my heart out on a day when I'm feeling particularly lonely and sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 7:32pm

Welcome to the board, I am glad you found us!


It seems so many people are depressed this time of year.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 4:21am

Welcome Cameragril78, I hear your pain and where you are in your life.


I went to Alanon for several years to recover from my now deceased Dad being an alcoholic so that is always an option to deal with your Mom's antics.


One of the many things I have learned in therapy is not to be so dependent upon my husband to hold me up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:44am

Hi, cameragirl78 - the best thing about this board is finding out that you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:41am
Thanks for sharing. I'm up way too late for a real response, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome to this forum. I know it helps to know your "ramblings" are read and appreciated by others who are also struggling to find joy in the holidays, Please keep posting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 10:37am

Thank you ladies, for your welcome and support!

Let's see...the meds I've been on, just to give an idea on the "sexual side effects" thing...I started out on Zoloft. That made everything feel kind of numb in places you don't want to feel numb!!! Not literally numb...just lots of loss of sensation.

I then tried Celexa, then Effexor. The Celexa was not making me feel better. The Effexor gave me night sweats. Lastly, I tried the old-fashioned standby: Prozac. That's what I stayed on the longest. While the side effects weren't as bad as with Zoloft, I did have some loss of libido/sensation...it just wasn't as bad.

I've thought about going to Al-Anon...but where I live with my mom, it may be too difficult to explain where I'm going. She's very nosy and asks a million questions, even though I'm almost 32! She still treats me like a child. "Oh, I don't know if you should go out today - we might get storms!" "I don't want you taking that road when it's icy." "I don't want you going there by yourself." "I don't want you walking to the store." "I want you to make sure he drives all the way up to the door to pick you up. I don't want you walking across the parking lot at night." I'm sure I could find a way to make up an excuse about where I am going...but it would be uncomfortable to me. For example, I could say I'm meeting a friend: "What friend? Where'd you go? What's their name? What'd you do? Where do they live?" ::sigh:: It's exhausting to go from being on my own for ten years to going back to having to explain my every move like a teenager.

I did the tree thing with my mom, and I did get some craft supplies and decorate a table we have. So I'm not totally not doing Christmas...but I'm just not as happy as I usually am.

The self-support thing...for so long, that's what I did, because that was my only option. My previous boyfriends weren't really as sweet as my current one (I just lucked out this time around!). They would give me a hug or whatnot if I cried about something, but they weren't like my new guy. This is the first time I've had someone in my life who has held me, REALLY held me, when I've been upset. He's the first boyfriend I've had who has made me feel like he's there for me. And I just happened to meet him during a period of turmoil in my life. So...I know I'll be okay(ish) when he leaves for training. At least we talk a lot about it. Gosh, he's so sweet. Yesterday, I was getting tearful again...and I said I was sorry for acting like a helpless person...and he actually kissed me and said, "Ssh!!! We don't say the word 'sorry.'"

I guess what's bumming me out is that things have to change. And I worry about how it will affect our relationship. But, really, I need to just take it one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Wed, 12-30-2009 - 12:38pm
Hi there- Hope you are holding it together and glad to hear you enjoyed yourself around the holidays some. Just wanted to say that I have been in my own twelve step program for two months and found it really helpful for my depression as well as my other issue that brought me there. It was hard to make myself do it, but I'm so glad I did. I've found it really therapeutic to share with others in person so regularly. I'm also on Lamictal which has helped me also, I believe. I'm feeling a lot better and just so grateful for it. Best wishes for a happy, healthy new year to you.