New and Lonely...
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| Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:19pm |
Well, here I am, but I've no idea whatsoever what I'm doing... I've never been on a message board in my life and I'd so much more prefer to have friends to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who is physically here who understands what I'm feeling, who would assure me that I'm not alone. But I AM alone... I may not be the only one who feels deeply depressed - in fact, surely I'm one of millions who feel this way - but I am, in actuality, very, very much alone. I always have been and am terribly afraid that I always will be.
I'm 45 years old and have battled depression for most of my life; unfortunately, the depression - at least lately - is winning. I have no friends, a rocky marriage, and kids who are old enough to take care of themselves (meaning I don't have the distraction of caring for them that I had when they were young - which at least took the focus off myself somewhat and put it onto them because they needed me).
The holidays are probably a bit worse because I am so not in the mood for all these freaking festivities, the "count your blessings", the "spend money buying stuff that people don't need for people who don't appreciate it with money I don't have to spend, then feel guilty for not being able to afford to do more or for not being able to think of something they'd appreciate more" or for whatever other reason there is to feel guilty for something.
On top of that, I don't believe in the "reason for the season" (and wasn't raised to believe in him), so the whole thing is relatively pointless to me in that regard as well - it is ALL about the tree, the hot cocoa, the gifts, the caroling, the stocking stuffers, and Santa... It has taken everything I have in me to shop for and wrap a couple hundred dollars worth of presents for our three kids. They are great kids and fairly appreciative of what they have, esp. the older two, who understand our financial struggles somewhat and are empathetic to my inability to work and therefore understanding of the shortage of money in our household compared to their friends'. My youngest is a bit of another story, though I know many whose children would behave much worse if the circumstances were exchanged and it were their children being deprived of a "wonderful" (read "extravagant") Christmas.
My father is another issue that always affects my mood for the holidays. His being an atheist, I've never even understood why we grew up celebrating the holiday, but we did, so I blame him most for my view of the holiday as being purely commercial. On top of that, he has plenty of money, so he constantly buys himself things - nice things, so I can't buy him anything he doesn't have already or that he might need or want or like. He is difficult to please or impress, so anything I think of is surely not going to hit the mark, so to speak. This always gets me down. I have spent my life wanting to please and impress him and have always felt I've come up short, so Father's Day and his birthday (also in June) and Xmas are two times a year that I always feel "set up" to fail. Each year it gets worse. This year, I feel like giving up. Next year, I just might...
I'm interested to know how many people read these posts... I'm so freaking tired from the stress of battling my own depression and issues with bipolar and chronic headaches that I find it difficult to muster what it takes to have a whole lot of interest in other peoples' problems. It isn't that I don't care; I most definitely do. I just am so exhausted and have such difficulty concentrating and communicating that I have, as of yet, not reached out. I find online message boards and chat rooms to be so overwhelming that I haven't yet tried them, so this is my first attempt. I hope it will work out and I'll be able to come here to express some of the things I've been unable to before now...
I really do want to get to know some of you, I'm just not sure how all this works. And I'm very nervous about putting myself out there and getting nothing in return... I've had my heart broken so many times that I doubt I could even manage to find all the pieces even if I could find the right glue to put it back together again.
So... I apologize that I've spent a bit of time rambling, perhaps opening up a bit too much for a first time, but it feels good to get some of it out and share with.. with... hmmm... I don't know who... but whoever is reading this. Hopefully, too, whoever you are, you're having a bit of an easier time than I am right now - I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone; however, if you are feeling as badly as I, I'm always open to chatting if you are, so please don't hesitate to reach out and let me know. =)
"When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever."

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Hi and I'm sorry you are feeling so burdened. I'll skip over the spiritual part of your post b/c that can add stress between people who could have been friends. I do feel qualified to discuss depress b/c I have fought it for over 20 yrs. At it's worse I was in bed for three weeks and ended up in the hospital. Since then I have fought it almost every day. It's wicked and I can tell you are very much in it's grip. I empathize for you, too. There are a few things you didn't mention that I would like to know so I can help if I'm able. Are you on any meds for depression or anything else?? Are you seeing a therapist?? There are a lot of good people on this site and they will respond, I'm sure. I'm on an antidepressant that helps me but I still have to battle the depression. I have good days and bad. The people on this board have helped me a lot.
I have two daughters that are grown and on their own. We have that in common.You mentioned message boards not getting it for you. I have visited plenty and they are all different. This one is the one that really got serious about fighting the beast and offering help when I needed it. Please give people time to reply. As you know, on this kind of forum you don't get an instant reply. Just hang in there. Some people will see what you have posted and identify and they will post back. My advice is to keep posting and get all of your feelings out. Welcome to the board and I hope you give us some time. I'm fairly new here, also......peace.....ST
Jayne
Welcome Stacey:
Hello Stacey. Welcome to the forum. I am new here myself, but I have found some comfort here. It's nice to know there are others out there who understand the craziness that goes on in my head sometimes, and can offer comfort on a really bad day. If a person has never suffered from depression before, it can be hard for him/her to have empathy for what we are going through. He/she simply has no concept of how draining depression can really be.
I wish I had the magic words to offer you to make everything better, unfortunately, I have yet to find those words myself. All I can really do is say that you are not alone. Much of what you described I can relate to. I also do not believe in the "reason for the season", so I know how isolating this time can be right now.
Please feel free to post here whenever you want to. I can attest to the lovely people on this forum. They will offer support or advice if you ever need it.
31 Million Seconds
Hey Stacey,
Hi...
I can't begin to tell you how much your quick and empathetic reply means to me (you probably actually know though, huh?). I also truly appreciate the restraint in the spiritual department; this doesn't seem the appropriate venue for religious discussion/debate to me - so thank you for that.
Yes, I am on meds - I take Lamictal for bipolar, and and Lexapro for depression. I've had daily chronic headaches (caused by depression or contributing to depression?? the classic chicken or egg question - who knows???) and migraines, so I keep trying different meds for that as well, which will often mess with my psyche. For instance - my pain dr. finally got desperate enough to put me on methadone (which did do wonders for my pain) - within two days, I was suicidal and crying almost 24/7. I tried to stick with the med for the sake of pain relief, but just couldn't so I'm back to square one.
My depression began long before the pain, so I'm not positive they're related, just likely enhance one another.
Thank you again for writing and offering some much needed encouragement. I hope you're having a good day. =)
"When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever."
Thanks Jayne... your response actually came close to bringing tears to my eyes. =) I don't meet too many people who understand how I feel about "losing my purpose." I am overwhelmed by jealousy when I see other women out with their little ones and are at the beautiful beginning of their family life. I want so much to go back and realize just how precious it truly was (though I did realize it and am not REAL sure I could do anything better... guess I just want to relive it...).
Anyway, thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate it!
Stacey
"When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever."
Thank you so, so much for writing!
Yes, having someone to talk to is what I (and all of us) need, I think. I don't know that it is a "cure" but it certainly would help some I think.
I, like you, have made so many, many bad decisions probably because of the depression, but then that just worsens the depression (hmm - chicken or egg???)... what to do??? I'm just so darn tired of it all I don't even want to put forth any effort any more. I have another six years before I'm done raising my children, so I have to keep truckin' on for now, but what then? I just don't know...
Again, thank you for writing. It's great to know you're out there...
Stacey
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
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