New and Lonely...
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| Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:19pm |
Well, here I am, but I've no idea whatsoever what I'm doing... I've never been on a message board in my life and I'd so much more prefer to have friends to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who is physically here who understands what I'm feeling, who would assure me that I'm not alone. But I AM alone... I may not be the only one who feels deeply depressed - in fact, surely I'm one of millions who feel this way - but I am, in actuality, very, very much alone. I always have been and am terribly afraid that I always will be.
I'm 45 years old and have battled depression for most of my life; unfortunately, the depression - at least lately - is winning. I have no friends, a rocky marriage, and kids who are old enough to take care of themselves (meaning I don't have the distraction of caring for them that I had when they were young - which at least took the focus off myself somewhat and put it onto them because they needed me).
The holidays are probably a bit worse because I am so not in the mood for all these freaking festivities, the "count your blessings", the "spend money buying stuff that people don't need for people who don't appreciate it with money I don't have to spend, then feel guilty for not being able to afford to do more or for not being able to think of something they'd appreciate more" or for whatever other reason there is to feel guilty for something.
On top of that, I don't believe in the "reason for the season" (and wasn't raised to believe in him), so the whole thing is relatively pointless to me in that regard as well - it is ALL about the tree, the hot cocoa, the gifts, the caroling, the stocking stuffers, and Santa... It has taken everything I have in me to shop for and wrap a couple hundred dollars worth of presents for our three kids. They are great kids and fairly appreciative of what they have, esp. the older two, who understand our financial struggles somewhat and are empathetic to my inability to work and therefore understanding of the shortage of money in our household compared to their friends'. My youngest is a bit of another story, though I know many whose children would behave much worse if the circumstances were exchanged and it were their children being deprived of a "wonderful" (read "extravagant") Christmas.
My father is another issue that always affects my mood for the holidays. His being an atheist, I've never even understood why we grew up celebrating the holiday, but we did, so I blame him most for my view of the holiday as being purely commercial. On top of that, he has plenty of money, so he constantly buys himself things - nice things, so I can't buy him anything he doesn't have already or that he might need or want or like. He is difficult to please or impress, so anything I think of is surely not going to hit the mark, so to speak. This always gets me down. I have spent my life wanting to please and impress him and have always felt I've come up short, so Father's Day and his birthday (also in June) and Xmas are two times a year that I always feel "set up" to fail. Each year it gets worse. This year, I feel like giving up. Next year, I just might...
I'm interested to know how many people read these posts... I'm so freaking tired from the stress of battling my own depression and issues with bipolar and chronic headaches that I find it difficult to muster what it takes to have a whole lot of interest in other peoples' problems. It isn't that I don't care; I most definitely do. I just am so exhausted and have such difficulty concentrating and communicating that I have, as of yet, not reached out. I find online message boards and chat rooms to be so overwhelming that I haven't yet tried them, so this is my first attempt. I hope it will work out and I'll be able to come here to express some of the things I've been unable to before now...
I really do want to get to know some of you, I'm just not sure how all this works. And I'm very nervous about putting myself out there and getting nothing in return... I've had my heart broken so many times that I doubt I could even manage to find all the pieces even if I could find the right glue to put it back together again.
So... I apologize that I've spent a bit of time rambling, perhaps opening up a bit too much for a first time, but it feels good to get some of it out and share with.. with... hmmm... I don't know who... but whoever is reading this. Hopefully, too, whoever you are, you're having a bit of an easier time than I am right now - I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone; however, if you are feeling as badly as I, I'm always open to chatting if you are, so please don't hesitate to reach out and let me know. =)
"When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever."

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Hi, Stacey - glad you are here.
Hi Deb,
Thank you so much for your reply. =) I agree with you... today I've told myself that I need to just allow myself to post and read the responses and that's what I've done - miracle of miracles, I do feel just a tiny bit better. =) If I have helped anyone to feel they have been listened to today, then that makes me feel like the day was well spent, you know?
On another, lower note, however, I haven't showered or even changed out of my pjs and have barely eaten, so there's that... ah, well, tomorrow, as they say, is another day... I believe that was your point tho', huh? I feel the same - why do the dishes? There will be more dishes tomorrow. Why dust? There will be more dust tomorrow.
I have a husband who doesn't "get" the whole depression and bipolar thing as well, so hard for him to be sympathetic. It's been quite difficult for him and he ought to probably be my hero for putting up with it all, but for some reason I place some of the blame on him... (some intensive therapy needed here!). We'll save that for another day...
Thanks again for writing Deb. I'm very much looking forward to knowing you. ;)
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Hey STacey, Just thought I would do a quick email to let you know that I am here.
Hi Stacey,
Welcome to the board!
Hi Heidi,
Yes, the warm welcomes are very comforting to say the least. =)
Answering your question about the kids is a tough one... My kids are 13 (she turned 13 the day before yesterday, but has been my most independent, willful child), 15 (boy), and 18 (girl). I was fortunate enough to stay home with them when they were little, but unfortunate (perhaps not the appropriate term, but usually how I felt about it at the time) in that my husband worked two jobs to support us, so I had them 24/7 so they were with me virtually all the time and I took them with me wherever I went. While this is how I wanted it to be and I wouldn't change it if I had to do it again, it could be quite stressful having young children, especially battling something like depression. The thing about little kids is that they need you for everything, so you really don't have a lot of say in the matter - you HAVE to get up and make breakfast, lunch and dinner, you HAVE to go to the grocery, you HAVE to do laundry... etc., etc. As they grow, you continue to HAVE to do things, but their needs change to funner things like birthday parties and visiting Santa or the Easter Bunny or what have you, so that was the best time in my life was the middle part of their childhoods - around 6, 9 and 12 for my kids, which you haven't gotten to yet. This was the time when they still enjoyed me being around, they loved me going places with them like the zoo or the museum, we went to parks, played monster, charades, 20 questions, board games - all the fun stuff.
They're still a lot of fun and really great kids and I'm enjoying some of the freedom that comes from them being more independent, but I don't feel needed too much and that is a bit depressing. They can get their own supper, hang with their friends and not notice me being in bed all weekend (much). My oldest can run them to their parties or activities if I'm not up to it, so it's not as NECESSARY for me to be on top of things.
All stages of childhood are different and bring with them different pleasures and different stresses and difficulties. I know little ones can be stressful because they are draining in a more physical way, but trust me when I say that one day you will undoubtedly miss it, so find the joy in it where you can and laugh through the tears during the rest (it's what I did and my mother nearly had me committed, but I made it through to the other side!! I'm positive you will too. ;) ).
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Edited 12/21/2009 9:08 pm ET by staceyboothe1964
Just checking in to see how you are doing. I'm also on Lamictal which seems to be working for me. Hope you had a good holiday and happy, healthy new year to you!
Hi Jayne...
I'm hangin' in there... How are you? I've actually been so ill I haven't even been on the computer for four days. Thought I'd better "check in to be sure no one thought I had met a much some horrific demise" LOL
On the mend, but still very still very weak and not doing too hot with the whole typin' thing yet, so will keep this short. Thanks for thinking of me!
Take care!!
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
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