He lied about why I had an abortion

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
He lied about why I had an abortion
3
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 4:12am

Seven years ago in March I had an abortion.  It was really hard on me and there is still guilt and I still hate myself for it, thinking about it now I want to try couseling or something to help me heal because it is still hard to talk about and I still cry about it at least once a month. 


When I got pregnant my boyfriend (and the "father"), Ted*, at first told me he would support me no matter what, but then after the initial appointment at planned parenthood he started pushing for an abortion, told me he could borrow money from friends.  Then he started completely ignoring me, not answering his phone when I called, and having his friends screen his calls at his house so whenever I called he wasn't there (although why would his friends be there when he wasn't home all the time?).  Eventually I told my mom about it and talked it over with her and since I had no support and was so young I decided to end it.  It was really hard because I wanted to have it, I had started picking out names, but I felt pressured (even by my mom and all my friends) to end it so I did.  One of the reasons I hate myself so much is that I feel I was too weak to stand up to everyone and keep it. 


Soon after the abortion I moved away from my hometown, went to college, and moved even further away.  I know part of the reason was because I didn't want to face any of those ghosts, and that's also part of the reason I never moved back.  I haven't spoken to Ted since, and the only thing I had heard about him is that him and another friend started using heroine together like 3 years ago.


Over the holidays I went home and while visiting with an old friend I had found out that Ted dated another friend, Steph* this past fall.  Steph knew I had an abortion but she didn't know he was the one who got me pregnant, but I had told her about how I had felt so alone and how Ted treated me.  Then the one friend told me that Ted had told Steph this lie about how he had been ready to have the kid and really cared about me and I just got mad at him one day and did it.  She said it was probably because he didn't want to sound like a jerk to Steph since he was trying to get in her pants.  Then she told me that Steph stopped seeing him after that because of his lie.


Well, I was furious and also hurt that he lied and determined that he was truely the biggest jerk ever born.


Then the next week I saw Steph and she told me pretty much the same thing except that when he told her the story he was crying, and that they had already been sleeping together so that wasn't the reason for the lie.  She said it was really weird to her because he was so convincing that he must of been lying to himself too.


So my question is why the lie?  Why did he make himself the victim?  Its such the complete oposite of what actually happened.  It makes me relive everything all over again, and although I didn't show it then it made me cry like a baby when I was by myself.  And it's not even that I like him at all still, the thought of even touching him makes me shiver, I just really wanted for when I heard about how he felt about the situation he would feel guilty and say something like "I was really mean and stupid for doing that.  I feel really bad and I've learned from it." or something but the lie makes it so horrible.


Maybe this wasn't the right forum but I've been depressed about the situation for almost 7 years now and although I thought I had gotten through the worst of it now everything is coming back.


What can I do to heal?  I know one thing I should do is tell someone about how much it hurt me, because I really dont tell anyone about it.  If I do tell people that I had an abortion I just say that it was a really emotional time, but not how guilty I still feel and how I hate myself. 


Should I confront Ted about it?  He seems so delusional that I dont know if it would make me feel any better but I really want to set him straight.  Or maybe he did just say it so she wouldn't dump him, and it that case he's a gigantic jerk.


Well, thanks for reading, I know it was long....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 5:10am

Hi Josie MT, I go by Josie on the board, so some might confuse our names here.


My 2 cents on what you shared:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 9:11pm

Hi Josie...

I am so, so sorry you are in so much pain. I think the great thing about this board is being able to get what's in your head out to other people, so I wholeheartedly agree with what Josie said, you really, really need to see a therapist. You need to talk to someone you feel isn't judging you for your decision who is only there to listen to you and give you advise on how to work your way through the guilt and sorrow you're feeling. I actually think you need to grieve the loss of your baby and you haven't allowed yourself to because you feel too guilty (but I'm not a psychiatrist, so I, of course, don't know for sure...).

Please, please don't stand in your own way - I did and am now 45 years old with bachelor's and master's degrees, but no career because I refused to get therapy to work through my problems. It will take some time, but I know it will help if you talk to someone. I hope you will.

Stacey

When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.

Stacey When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:47am

Josie MT, that is terrible and I'm so sorry all that happened to you.