Tired of Depression
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| Tue, 01-05-2010 - 11:55am |
Today is my birthday (58) and I wonder how I will make it through the day. I have suffered with depression on and off since I was a teen and I'm just exhausted. I've been treated with antidepressants and they seem to work in the beginning, but always stop. I'm at that point again. My new psychiatrist is planning to wean me off Effexor and has started me on Depakote, so I will be in the "trial and error" stage for awhile now.
This depression is just evil. I had a wonderful "Big Chill" holiday by the sea with my husband and another couple. We had a great time together. When it ended (on the drive home), I could feel the sadness washing over me again. It was full blown by the time we reached home. I say "home", but I do not consider where I live "home". We moved to California 5 years ago from Georgia. I feel as though we are in another country and I am homesick a lot of the time. We moved out here because my husband lost his job in Georgia and now it looks very unstable for him in California. I've tried to find a job to help out and also to have something to do during the day. I am so bored and with boredom comes the feeling of worthlessness - why am I even here? I've done nothing with my life and I feel so hopeless that I ever will. I'm married to a wonderful man and I feel as though he would have been better off marrying someone else.
My psychiatrist has referred me to several therapists, so I will make an effort to call them today. It will at least give me somewhere to go if nothing else. I just feel so alone.
I hope I did not bore everyone. I just needed someone to vent to because I am truly having a difficult time today. Finding this website was helpful. At least I know I am not the only one suffering with this illness.
Bea

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Hi Bea...
First of all, Happy Birthday. =)
I don't have a ton of time for a response at the moment, but I wanted you to know I had read your post and feel your pain and have similar issues myself. I had a hard time with my 45th last year, I think more because my oldest is now 18 and my "baby" is 13 (a couple weeks ago) and my son is in high school now... It's all pretty overwhelming sometimes, huh?
I, like you, feel like I've accomplished absolutely nothing with my life and though I realize I'm younger than you, I still feel like I'm kinda old to really accomplish anything significant. Unfortnately, I've let my depression get in my way, and boredom is a big issue for me, too. I really don't have friends (though my mom lives nearby and we're close) and no longer work, so sometimes I want to cry out of sheer boredom. I know it's really hard, but I think if you COULD get out and do some things it would help (my mom gives me this advice all the time and I don't really follow it, so kinda hard to give the same to others... LOL). I know when I finally do drag myself to things I do feel better, so maybe a part time job would help you? To have to go somewhere and do something is amazingly good for depression, I think (it's a little tougher for me cuz I have severe health issues, unfortunately). I know I was a lot happier when I was working.
Perhaps you have a secret "fantasy" that you'll just move back to Georgia? But since it's been 5 years, perhaps it's time to "dig in" and join a group or take a class or, like I said, maybe work part time if you can.
Plus, of course, I highly recommend the therapy! =)
I hope this helps just a tiny bit and you can enjoy at least a bit of your birthday...
Take care,
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Welcome, I am glad you found us!
Hi, Bea - no, you are certainly not alone.
Hi Bea. I was bored (no pun inteneded *grin*) this morn, so came to ivillage. I happened across your post, and totally relate. I am dealing with the same issues. Long standing depression of my own accord, and a move 3 years ago that I can't seem to walk through gracefully.
I agree with the other gals, follow through with the therapist. I saw someone for over a year, and she was so awesome. Come to find out, she moved here (a LONG way from home for her). The best advice she gave me, is I cannot replace what I had in my hometown. I keep comparing this to that, and it will never be the same. I don't know if you do this, but I do. I say to people, "Well, where I come from we just didn't do things like that." She always encouraged me to try new things in this city. Pottery, classes at the community center, look for local events. Join a book club. Unfortunately, I'm not real good at reaching out, especially blindly. I have wondered many times, how do I have friends in my life? We met by chance and it took years to form our awesome friendship. But it sucks when I look around and haven't made any solid connections.
Aha, but I can sabbatoge myself so easily. What do you have in your life that you may take for granted? I ask, b/c I saw this clearly for myself last week. I took my kids skating, it was a function through the elementary school. I went for the kids, and had NO intention of skating. Once there, I met a woman who's daughter was on my daughter's soccer team this fall. We talked, and related as parents and women. So here was a woman, I liked from the start and could potentially become friends with. To my surprise, I ended up on skates! LOL More than that, a second family came that we know. Again, through my daughter. But this woman and I can talk for hours when we see each other. So I had this sense of peace. I'm not a recluse ( :) like I tend to think I am). It's just a FACT, it's hard to relocate. And it's setting myself up if I think I should have it all worked out, b/c I've been here 3 years.
One last thought. My counsellor was BIG on how I treat myself. I have to remind my overactive mind to be compassionate. Be kind to others??? Be kind to myself! :)
I'm typing away here, b/c I SO relate to you. Maybe we could encourage each other in our daily struggles and find hope to feeling better? :)
Lonely on the west coast,
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa,
Thank you so much for your comments.
You're tired of depression but I kind of got tired of reading of it in your post. Don't take this the wrong way, and I'm not trying to sound overly simplisitic or insensitive, but you sound like you live a good life and you need to snap out of it.
You really have no business being here if you don't understand depression and have no desire to be supportive. Why do you have enough time to visit this board if you are so busy with everything going on? Enjoy your life and leave others to fight their own "demons," please.
I personally relate to everything others have said... it's a tough battle, a hard thing to understand even if you're the one who's experiencing it. It isn't about whining, it's about finding the support we need and strength within ourselves to get the medication and therapy we need in the face of those who can be so cruel.
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Depression is an illness - people like you who think you can just (as you so put it so eloquently) "snap out of it" really have no idea what clinical depression means or involves.
Agreed - Hopefully you saw my response as well. My husband spent years telling me to "snap out of it." (though he was really trying to be "helpful." he simply didn't understand). He read a lot and talked to me and finally realized no one would choose to feel this way, so there's either something I need to work through or it's chemical or both. If he can figure it out, so can others, they're just choosing to remain ignorant of the facts.
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Edited 1/10/2010 8:21 pm ET by staceyboothe1964
Hi Stacey,
I did see your reply.
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