Marital issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Marital issues
9
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:58pm

It is so hard for me to write this post, so hard for me to get the courage up to tell anyone that there is something wrong in my marriage.  I was raised to keep quite and not let your feelings show.  Maybe I shouldn't be writting this, what if my husband reads this.....


Alright, here it goes.  I have been married for 6 years, have two beautiful children, but I don't think I am happy.  Without getting into all the boring details, sometimes I feel my husband puts me down.  He surely doesn't understand my depression and when I want to just go to bed early after the kids are in bed, he makes fun of me.....it hurts!!!!  He doesn't think I should be on medication.


Aside from all that, is it wrong to what someone to tell you your beautiful and to encourage you???  Is it wrong to want a spouse to tell you how happy they are to wake up with you each morning and tell you just how much they love being with you?  That definetly does not happen in our marriage.  I get up in the morning and he starts at me right away with the budget or what we need to do with the house, etc.  No, "good morning honey, I am so glad I have you in my life...."  Maybe I am living a fairy talke romance and no one's marriage is like that.  I just cant take the criticism anymore.  If it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't be here right now!!!!!!!!!


I stay with him for the kids because I don't want them to be separated.  Oh, and one more thing, I gave up everything in Wisconsin to be in TN with him.  Gave up my family, my friends, just to be with him cuz of his job.  I feel so so alone :(


Thanks for reading.


 

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siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:37pm

Hi Heidi,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. A lot of what you're experiencing, I can understand because I have been in an unhappy marriage for much, much longer (20+ yrs). I had thought I'd divorce when my 2nd child was very young, though I stayed home as you do and wanted to work things out because I wanted my kids to have a complete family. I then accidentally had a 3rd child after which I felt "trapped" because it really is so difficult to support even yourself these days, much less yourself and three little ones, so my first, knee-jerk response was going to be LEAVE! before the 6 unhappy years turns into 20 - and I'm sure you'd find support if you moved back to where you're from to be with family and friends.

But then I wondered too if you two have yet sought counseling (though, perhaps he's not willing?). Have you tried to talk to him and tell him why you're so unhappy? Offer him some information about depression? My husband thought I should just "buck up" not take meds, etc. when we were younger too, but he now kind of gets it and can be very kind (though we still have our issues).

Another thing I thought might help would be to read "Love Languages" (sorry, don't remember who it's by). My husband and I have completely different ways of loving/needing to be loved (for example, some people need little gifts of appreciation, while others need touching or verbal - perhaps you are this type - or what have you), so that took a LOOONG time to figure out. You might try this book and looking for the little ways that he does appreciate you. If there really aren't any, I'd take him to dinner (can't yell in a public place, so likely to have a calmer more conversation-like discussion) and tell him openly and honestly how you're feeling. Maybe not say you're thinking of a divorce, but ask him if HE sees you staying together and if he does, maybe he'd be open to working through some things.

I know it took us a VERY long time to work through our many differences. We were raised so differently we had extremely different expectations from one another. I think this can often be something that married people have difficulty with. I'm positive you're not alone. I know many, many men can be extremely non-verbal about expressing how they feel to their wives. They seem to kind of expect that since they're working and bringing in the money to pay the bills, maybe fixing the car/changing the oil, whatever, that they don't need to say things or buy flowers or whatever.

Again, I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone... I'm positive you're not, but people tend to not talk about this kind of stuff, preferring to pretend to others like they're happy. I do know how awful it feels, though, so I hope you can find some comfort in confiding at least to your virtual friends.

{{{big hugs}}}

Stacey

When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.

Stacey When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 4:52am

Hi and sorry Heidi.


I think I remember you saying you are in therapy, might I suggest your husband join you for a few sessions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 8:48am

Heidi,

I'm so sorry to hear you are having marital issues. Like others have said, I really think you should discuss the possibility of attending marital counseling with your husband. Perhaps it might help the both of you articulate your feelings/wants/concerns better. It always amazes me that we as humans have such a complex language system, yet we can never seem to communicate how we feel and what we need. Perhaps, in a way, our language system is almost too complex.

Anyway, I really hope you continue to post on here how you are feeling and how you are doing. You've helped so many people here (especially me!) and I hope we'll be able to return the favor.

I blog all about it:
31 Million Seconds
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 4:41pm

Thanks for everyone's support.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 12:03pm

Has your husband ever been treated for anxiety or depression?

Me (31) DH (33) Taylor Grace (10) Michaela Elizabeth (7) Henry Michael ^i^ 10/28/10 .. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 12:03am

Heidi - I can feel you pain and have went through a similiar situation with my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 10:55am

Your post meant alot to me and made me smile for the first time in awhile.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 11:25am

The only counseling my husband has been to is marital counseling with me.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 1:46pm

Yes - men are stubborn like that