Depression and a difficult parent
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| Mon, 01-11-2010 - 2:05pm |
Hello,
I’m new here and I’m hoping that this will be a place that will help. If nothing else, a venue to at least be able to rant about things in my life that are getting me down without annoying family and friends. I’m also hoping to meet some people to whom I can talk with about things. Right now, I think I just need someone or a few someones to talk and talk and talk and know that I won’t stress them out with my problems. I did that once before in my life when I first started junior college and it got to a point where two people close to me gently but firmly told me off.
There are so many things that seem to be causing me to sink into depression that I don’t even know where to start. I don’t want to ramble on too much, so I suppose I’ll give a condensed version.
I'm 29 years old.I'm the visually impaired child of a visually impaired paernt. I also come from a broken home. My parents are civil to each other, but there are times when being around both of them is a trial. My mother is the worst, because even though she'll deny it, she's still bitter over the divorce.
The thing I struggle with the most is having grown up with that bitter mother who is also an absolute perfectionist. Growing up, I never could do anything she was satisfied with. If I did anything, whether it was washing dishes, sweeping the porch or whatever, she'd always and I do mean always, find something wrong with what I did. I missed a cornerwhen sweeping, so she was doing it again. I didn't wash a particular dish. Etc, etc. And yet when years later when I finally got the nerve to say anything, I'd get a lecture. I'd be accused of being selfish, an ingrate, lazy, disrespectful and so on. The worse was the lecture about how when doing a job, isn't it right to do the best job you can? Of course, I'd agree, but everything I did was like this. I wouldn't put something back EXACTLY where she had it. And if I'd complain, she would chastize me and say as a person with a visual impairment, it's important to put things back exactly where you had them. Now that I can totally agree with as well, but it seemed like she wanted things in the exact, EXACT spot where she had them.
And what I'm putting here isn't just me. My three siblings agree, although it doesnt' do much good. This kind of thing has gotten so bad I think it's permanently damaged my sister and mother's relationship. Oh, they still get along, talk on the phone and whatnot, but each complains so much about the other.
Well, I could go on and on and on about this. There's so much more I could probably write a book about it. My problem is, I just have no idea what to do. As I said, I'm 29 years old and still living at home. My disability makes it incredibly difficult, although admittedly not impossible, to move out. I've already tried to tap local services, even welfare. But I was rejected or told they had no solutions for me.
I have to say I would love to go to family therapy, but years agoI was briefly seeing a psychologist. I was still in high school at this point and while not depressed, severely angry and simply dealing with a lot of things. When hearing about my mother, he told me that therapy would only work if my mother was receptive. He told me that I needed to change me if I couldn't change her. Easier said than done!
To this day, my mother is 100% not receptive. She insists that it's everyone else and she does so many things for other people, and yet no one appreciates it, blah, blah, blah.
Yet, I feel she is the one being ungrateful. Or acting like a child. Just to give the latest example... My brother-in-law and sister bought a new, bigger TV. After the HDTV switch, we bought a new TV for the living room. So my mother took the old, crappy on-its-last-leg non-HD Sony TV and put it in her room. My bro-in-law and sis, upon buying their new TV, immediately called up my mother and offered her the TV. Now my mother, being the way she is, didn't want to seem rude, so agreed to take the TV.
Thus, the TV in her room was tossed out. The living room TV was put in her bedroom and my bro-in-law's and sis's old TV was put in our living room. Unfortunately, after the move was made, they told my mother they didn't have the remote, and oops, it was stuck on surround sound. So no sound could be heard. My brother-in-law told her he was goign to order a new remote, but it would take at least a week to come.
Now, my mother nodded and agreed, but after they left bitched up a storm. What good was a TV she couldn't hear? As a person with a visual impairment, it was useless. She should've just kept the oldl TV in there. And so on and so on.
Naturally, I and my sibs didn't understand what the problem was. I have a TV in my room, she has her TV in her room, and that's where she spends the most time anyway. When my sister, frustrated by what was going on, asked me what the big deal was, I told her simply... She likes to walk around the house (according to her) and do chores. So she likes to make her QVC and Home Shopping network "stereo" throughout the house.
This is just one example of my life as it is now. Being that I've stayed home the longest, am disabled like her, I'm close to my mother the most. And yet, it's complicated. I also fight with her the most. Which is why I'm stressed, depressed and am finding places to vent all this. I probably went on way longer than was wise, but I'm hoping people here can understand. As I said when I started this, if there are people who can relate and like me need a sympathetic ear, let me know. At this point I'm figuring, if I can't move away from the situation, I can at least find people who understand and won't get sick of hearing me bitch.
Natalie

Hi Natalie,
Welcome to the board. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing your story. Your life sounds extremely difficult and I'm sorry it's what it is... While I don't know what you're going through exactly, my father is also a perfectionist and I grew up feeling everything had to be "perfect" including me. I'm going to say just a couple things, one of which is you don't need your mom to go to therapy with you to get help. I think therapy could help you quite a bit, really.
Also - and this is NOT in defense of your mom (no one should make another feel crappy for trying their best) - I have an issue myself, though, with control. I have three kids (and I can't imagine having 4 or raising them by myself). While I don't berate my kids because I don't want them to grow up hating themselves, I do get very, very anxious about my home being messy and "imperfect." So here's what I'm wondering - maybe your mother was raised to be perfect as well? Maybe she has no idea how to "control" her need to be in control? Again, I'm not excusing her behavior, but sometimes trying to understand WHY someone behaves the way they do is helpful. It's NOT an excuse to continue behaving that way, but so many people have no idea how to ask for help or even admit that they are in the wrong, which, I think makes them that much more irritable.
I'm really glad you're on the board. It is extremely helpful to feel you can "unload" and be understood, so I think it's good to continue to post. =)
p.s. I'm a writer, too. =)
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
Hi Natalie and welcome. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I would like to second what Stacey was saying about control. I have major control issues, and I tend to like things done a certain way. I don't want to insult or upset anyone, so I try not to redo something they did right in front of them. Perhaps your mother also has control issues, but doesn't know how to deal with them.
Have you ever talked to your mother about family therapy? Do you think she would be open to attending some sessions if you explained why you feel it is a good idea? It doesn't hurt to try.
Please feel free to post whenever you need to vent or need some advice.
31 Million Seconds
Thanks for the kind words of support. It does help a little to have people offer support rather than criticism. Of course, I'm by no means saying I'm completely free of any criticism. I give my mother some difficulty too. Naturally, it's unintentional, but nevertheless.
As to the question of control, yes. I'm no expert, but I do believe my mother's issues stem from a childhood where she was absolutely unable to control much or all of what was going on around her. She grew up in a very dysfunctional family herself. Her parents had a rocky marriage, and she shared a small space with six siblings. In addition to that, my grandpa was occasionally physically abusive to my grandma, and thus my second oldest uncle became somewhat like this as well. But the part of my mother's life that I think really affected her to the point it still lingers today is the fact that my grandpa died when she was only 11. And at this time, they didn't allow children under a certain age to go into the hospital room of a sick/dying person. She felt he was the only person in the family that really understood her and showed her 100% genuine affection, so when he died, I think it was like her anchor being ripped away.
Like I said, this is just my inept analysis of the situation. That's why to this day I feel my mother is unable to relinquish control of anything. It drives me absolutely mad. I'm almost 29 years old and I still have her asking me constantly if I remembered to call this place, and did I mail this letter, or to close my dresser drawer all the way. Etc, etc.
I also get upset with myself too. Since I'm programmed to feel contrite if she nitpicks about something, I apologize. Anything happens, it's an "I'm sorry" sort of deal. I remember at one point in my childhood and even part of my early 20s, my mother would get even more upset. If I said I'm sorry, she would say, "Sorry meant you wont' do it again. And since you did, that means you're not really sorry."
All the time I would hear this. Constantly. Now that I think back on it, I don't really know when she stopped using that tired old line, but I'm thankful. I think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Especially to a child.
Anyway, I'm going on and on here again. I'll just finish by saying this... Yes, I did once probe her about family therapy. Even my older sister tried to feel her out about it. But my mother flat-out refused. She doesn't believe anything that goes on is because of her. If there are issues to be dealt with, they're our (my and my siblings) issues. We're the ones with the problems, so we're the ones who should go to therapy, because all she's ever done is try to help us.
Oh, and I have to insert here that I quite agree that raising four kids while disabled is difficult. There are sentimental times where my mother and I talk about the past and I verbalize my appreciation for all she did and the sacrifices she made. I suppose my problem now is that she can't let go. And I've also heard other people who are parents say a parent can never let go. I'm not a parent, but I would tend to agree. However, when does it go from being "always a parent" to outright interference and meddling?
Well, thanks again for letting me vent.
Natalie
P.S. Stacy, what do you write?
Hi Natalie,
To answer your question real quick, I write just about anything, but currently have two professional blogs I'm doing as well as some article writing. I am working on a book, but it's not coming along as well as I'd like! What do you write?
I can appreciate all that you wrote in regard to your mother and her "issues" - my father was this way for years. He finally seemed better when I began to have children (his only grandchildren), so I was happy, yet a sad type of jealous as well. I have no idea why he became "better" with the grandkids, only believe it's because it wasn't as much pressure on him.
Your mother may actually realize some of the things she's doing aren't okay, but can't admit it to anyone (or even herself, perhaps). Have you tried the "I" approach so she doesn't feel you're being accusatory? Very difficult to achieve, but have read much on how this is supposed to help disarm the person you are hoping to change.
I suppose the best suggestion in this type of situation is to get the counseling yourself in order to figure out how to best deal with it; I've decided this is really the only way I can get past the way some of the people in my life have treated me. I only hope it works!
=)
Stacey
When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.