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| Mon, 01-18-2010 - 3:50am |
Hello,
I am new to this board.
I am very sad and depressed, needless to say, or I wouldn't be here. I feel completely alone, and in a very literal way, I am. I was divorced in 2003 after 23 years of marriage, ex left me for younger coworker, and then married her. I have no family I am in contact with, except my 16 year old son (who is definitely part of the problem)and a disabled sister who lives in a group home I see occasionally. The 2 closest friends I had have both moved away.
I am a 57 year old woman, no college degree, who had to completely start over. I currently work as a teacher's aide, have for 3 1/2 years, and a little over a year ago I finally got a full time job with benefits in the district. But last summer, due to layoffs (I was almost laid off) my hours were cut 30 minutes per day, and I was transferred to a different position, which I HATE. (I loved the other full time job, just loved it.) I am not the only one this happened to, in fact a friend was bumped into the job I loved. In my current job, I work with autistic preschoolers, so I change diapers, toilet train, and much more. I am 57, and I am changing diapers....it is physically and emotionally draining. I am stuck where I am, there is nothing else to transfer to. I should be grateful I am still considered full time, with benefits, but I think I will probably be made part time or laid off this summer. It is the way it is going. But all of that is just part of everything that is making me barely able to function.
Everyone I know is either married or engaged, and single women just don't fit it. I have mixed feelings about being alone, even though I am bitter about it. I live basically paycheck to paycheck, while my ex is affluent. He won't help with any extras for my son. I am constantly anxious about money. In fact, some friends bought me 2 tires because my were bald and I had no money. I have been looking for a 2nd job, but no luck.
But the biggest thing I am dealing with is the feeling that my life is over, completely. I am going to be working menial type jobs for the rest of my life, and am going to be dirt poor as an elderly woman. I have no money for vacations, or anything nice. I am going to end up like my Mom. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Even if I took the time to get a college degree, which would be way more than 4 years, who would hire a woman in her 60's? Ageism is already rearing it's ugly head. I am stuck. I am never going to go anywhere I dreamed about, ever. There is no money to save.
And my son is a major problem. He has no motivation to do anything. My ex is of little help, too busy golfing, vacations, etc. I have holes in my wall, broken chairs, a broken laptop, due to my son's anger. I blame my ex a great deal for this. Yes, my son is getting help, but it isn't doing much good.
I may get fired from my job next week, I don't know. I took all of last week off, due to the worst blow up with my son ever. He destroyed a just paid for laptop, which was a struggle to pay for, but he needed it for school. (Luckily we managed to get our desktop working again.) I completely shut down, didn't care about anything, couldn't get out of bed. I am going to see my dr. tomorrow, to see if I can at least get a note, and a referral for counseling for me. Son already is in counseling. But I don't know if it will work, if I lose my job, I will lose my house, which I am always on the edge of anyway.
I just feel so sad, and hopeless, and what is the point of everything. I am going to work at a job I hate, but I make probably $5 an hour more than I could get for any other type of job. I come home exhausted, watch TV, go to bed, and then get up and do it again. What is the point? I feel like I am just waiting to die, and it is going to be a struggle the entire rest of my life.
I have an "internet" friend who is a writer, and all of her friends on Facebook, are affluent, sophisticated people who travel and do glamorous things. If I check out their photos, I just end up with tears in my eyes. (Plus that is basically the life my ex if leading too.) I see pictures of vacation houses in Newport, R.I., with multiple families sharing a gorgeous beach house, and I know that will NEVER be me, never. I even did an internet search for old friends, all are either still married, or remarried, and successful. I am the only one I know personally who is in this situation. The ONLY one.
Yes, I know I will probably be put on meds, I was on antidepressants through my divorce, but they didn't do much good. And what is the point of meds or counseling, to just make me accept this crappy life? It doesn't change my reality. I am ALONE, no one to talk to, barely making it, absolutely HATING my life, not seeing the point to anything....I thought things would get better for me as the years went by after my divorce, but it is just worse. I am facing old age alone, and poor. And I think it is going to get worse.
I don't know that anyone can help me, can say anything to help, because nothing will change. I am always going to be on the outside looking in.
HOLLY

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Hello, Holly - I am so sorry you feel this way.
Oh, Holly, I can so relate to how you are feeling.
Holly,
You have to change your attitude. Your first mistake was to buy into the idea that a man, any man or your husband, will give you all the good things in life. You presently have all that really matters. Your life! A son! Nothing is more important. Money and vacations are fleeting moments of fun. They are meaningless in the big picture.
Your son is picking up on your unhappiness and is acting out his frustration in not being able to do anything to get back his family unit or to make you happy. You have to take 50% of the responsibility for your divorce and for your son's condition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life with your husband wasn't any fun either. You are lucky to be free of him. Totally free!!! You can come and go without anyone's permission or consideration.
Holly,
Welcome to the board!
I feel so badly for you, and I do relate to an extent. Just a word about the work stuff: I understand what you are saying, I am 45 and have been trying to go back to work, being that now i have to support myself due to a divorce. However, i feel so obsolete as well. I used to be a teacher, and then an administrative assistant, but it seems like that was another lifetime ago. I beat my head against the wall looking for work for almost two years, and suddenly I realized that like others here have said a college education doesn't mean squat these days. So what I did was i decided to start my own business, and I don't mean one of those work at home scams you see online. I started my own dog walking and pet sitting business. Why? Because I love animals, they are my passion and have been my entire life. It took some time starting up, and the money wasn't much, but i am my own boss AND I get paid to do what it is I love. Never think you CAN:T do it. You can. And I will tell u that my "job" is the only thing that keeps me going some days. I hated working in an office all those years, so what the hell? I figured I might as well try, i wasn't able to find work anyway. And over the last year or so my business has grown.
As for your son...I have a 16 year old also the product of a divorced family, so I feel yourpain and I know how hard it is. It's tough to keep your feelings a secret from a 16b y.o., and what I do is let him know when i'm having a rough day, it seems to help a lot.
Hang in there.
Wow, Cindy, you are inspirational and such a good example for us.
I can't help but think Kazie that you are absolutely unfamiliar with clinical depression... Depression is not something you can "snap out of." Depression is not something that can be cured by looking around for the people who are worse off than you. Depression will certainly not be helped by apologizing to a teenager for a divorce that happened 7 years ago. You don't know anything about her son's rage issues, or what problems he may or may not have. Which likely have nothing at all to do with her. And she should not have to lay down and cater to him.
You can't help someone else if you, yourself need help. She needs to take care of herself FIRST before she gets into even more trouble- and continuing down in the downward spiral.
Saying "no" to "brain drugs" is really not advisable either. As I said, depression is not something you can snap out of. It's not feeling blue or low or sad for a few days or even weeks. Depression, for some people, has no end, and they need to be treated and monitored for it their entire lives. Let's hope most people are able to find treatment which makes them feel as normal as anyone else.
Depression is a chemical imbalance. It's a hormonal imbalance. And it is something the sufferer cannot at all control. I cannot control the dopamine and seratonin levels in my brain. My body simply does not make enough of these chemicals for me to function at a normal level. I HAVE to be supplemented with man made seratonin and dopamine in order to function. If I did not have these medications, I would be dead. Not an exaggeration. This is true for many, many people with diagnosed clinical depression, major depressive disorder, bi polar disorder and perhaps even dysthymia.
When I first started heading "downwards," I was told by many people to go out and volunteer. I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I went to therapy, I was told by multiple therapists that this is a common piece of advice given to depressed persons. And that 9 out of 10 times, it escalates the depression. It makes the person feel guilty. They begin to self-loathe. They blame themselves. They are overcome with distorted thinking. These are ALL symptomatic of this disorder.
To the original poster:
Go to therapy. get REGULAR therapy so you can get all of the information you possibly can about your condition. If the therapist, or NP, or psychologist reccomends medication, take it and work with that person to find a type of medication and a dosage that works for you. It can be a long process. I have been working on this since July of 2008. I'm still not better. I'm currently on 300mg of Wellbutrin, and 30mg of Celexa, which my dosage being upped to 60mg as we speak. I have severe chemical deficiencies and they need to be fixed. Since there is no test to figure out what precisely is going wrong in your brain, and by what degree- it takes a lot of experimentation to find a good dosage on the correct medication. Everyone is different. Be paitent, be proactive for yourself and be proactive. If something isn't working, speak up. And speak up sooner, rather than later. Your mental health care provider wants to help you get better and nothing less. So let them do their job.
In terms of your life situation- it stinks. My mother went through the same situation, at a similar age. She did have a bachelor's degree- but it was in home economics. Not exactly what anyone was looking for. She and my dad were married for 30 years. SHe lived on the spousal support she got from my dad, and she took out loans, got as many grants as she could and got her master's in counseling so she could become a licensed marriage family child therapist. It took her a looong time. But she did it. And when she graduated, she ended up working as an auditor. Which makes no sense. She worked the minimum amount of time- 5 years, and promptly retired at 59 or 60. She moved to another state with a lower cost of living, and just signed a lease for an office to start her therapy practice. She and my dad divorced in 1997. It has been a long and slow process for her. But it is coming together, Slowly and surely. I know she had lots of doubts and struggled hugely with depression, and expressed many of the same things you are- loneliness, self deprication, no friends, no connections... But eventually, she overcame it. So I'm telling you it's possible. Don't expect things to happen overnight, but by slowly taking control and doing things one at a time, you can get moving forward.
Try checking out this website, it's called meetup.org It's a free website that helps you connect with other people, in gist. They have groups for everything under the sun. Singles groups- separated by ages, or not! Coffee groups! Retirees who walk on Sunday mornings. Book clubs, hiking clubs, dog walking/playgroups. Sex and the City dress up nights. Wine tasting tours. Most of this stuff is free. People who are looking to make friends create these groups, schedule meeting times in public places and people meet up and do things together. most people don't know anyone else. You may not be ready for something like that, but i want you to know that something like that exists. And you can do it. YOU can do it. You really can. I promise. Just do this one step at a time. Make a list of the things you want for the rest of your life. What are you goals? DOn't focus on what you feel like you're missing out on. Think about what you want. Break things down into baby steps, and work on them one at a time. If you think being laid off or fired is a real possibility, start preparing for it and coming up with a backup plan. Take deep breaths, and work on a plan. All it takes is a piece of paper, and a clear mind. Go to the public library (it's free!) and get some time away for yourself from your son. Work on your list. Things WILL get better, I promise. Just keep going forward. You are in control of your own life. Grab on to the steering wheel and take yourself wherever you want to go. You are in charge!
Holly,
As I read your email.....I felt I was reading about my life. Today is a VERY VERY hard day for me. I am depressed beyond words and feeling like there's no hope.
In the last 6 mos....I have been laid off twice and my husband left. My house payment is 4 mos late and will be going into foreclosure soon, my bills are piled up and my car registration expired. I have NO MONEY and the ex wont help...or cant. Where Im living the economy is horrible and no one is paying more than $11/hr. I cant support my son and myself on this. Im ok w/losing the house but I have nowhere to go.....my mom and brother passed away within the last 4 yrs. No other family here. I am still w/out work and desperately looking for work.....but I dont drive around due to my regis. being expired so I've been asking friends and acquaintances for cash so I can pay it...$500!!!!!! I dont have it yet so I dont know what to do. Most of my friends...can count on one hand....are married and have a "settled" life. Some of them have actually distanced themselves from me. Creditors are calling me left and right and just today my cable/tv was shut off because of no payment. Each day I wake worried what's going to be the next slap in the face. I am 46 and wanted so much more for myself at this age. I ask WHY so often. I feel like Im such a LOSER....nothing is right and as much as I try to stay positive for my son, it's eating me up inside. He's the only reason Im here....I've wanted to end my life few mos. ago. I feel like I cant even begin to put this life back together again.....it's so shattered. I have been stripped of everything! My job, my marriage, my financial stability, my home, my mom, my brother.
Yet......w/all this happening I cant help but feel it HAS TO GET BETTER. It just has to. I've asked myself....what does it all mean? Am I suppose to learn something from it? One day we'll look back and wonder how we made it, We sure will be stronger. Take it one day at a time....and be good to yourself.
You are not alone. Please email me if you want....pmw30@msn.com. Maybe we can offer each other some much needed support.
Take care of yourself!
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