NEW TO BOARD

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
NEW TO BOARD
14
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 3:50am

Hello,
I am new to this board.
I am very sad and depressed, needless to say, or I wouldn't be here. I feel completely alone, and in a very literal way, I am. I was divorced in 2003 after 23 years of marriage, ex left me for younger coworker, and then married her. I have no family I am in contact with, except my 16 year old son (who is definitely part of the problem)and a disabled sister who lives in a group home I see occasionally. The 2 closest friends I had have both moved away.

I am a 57 year old woman, no college degree, who had to completely start over. I currently work as a teacher's aide, have for 3 1/2 years, and a little over a year ago I finally got a full time job with benefits in the district. But last summer, due to layoffs (I was almost laid off) my hours were cut 30 minutes per day, and I was transferred to a different position, which I HATE. (I loved the other full time job, just loved it.) I am not the only one this happened to, in fact a friend was bumped into the job I loved. In my current job, I work with autistic preschoolers, so I change diapers, toilet train, and much more. I am 57, and I am changing diapers....it is physically and emotionally draining. I am stuck where I am, there is nothing else to transfer to. I should be grateful I am still considered full time, with benefits, but I think I will probably be made part time or laid off this summer. It is the way it is going. But all of that is just part of everything that is making me barely able to function.

Everyone I know is either married or engaged, and single women just don't fit it. I have mixed feelings about being alone, even though I am bitter about it. I live basically paycheck to paycheck, while my ex is affluent. He won't help with any extras for my son. I am constantly anxious about money. In fact, some friends bought me 2 tires because my were bald and I had no money. I have been looking for a 2nd job, but no luck.

But the biggest thing I am dealing with is the feeling that my life is over, completely. I am going to be working menial type jobs for the rest of my life, and am going to be dirt poor as an elderly woman. I have no money for vacations, or anything nice. I am going to end up like my Mom. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Even if I took the time to get a college degree, which would be way more than 4 years, who would hire a woman in her 60's? Ageism is already rearing it's ugly head. I am stuck. I am never going to go anywhere I dreamed about, ever. There is no money to save.

And my son is a major problem. He has no motivation to do anything. My ex is of little help, too busy golfing, vacations, etc. I have holes in my wall, broken chairs, a broken laptop, due to my son's anger. I blame my ex a great deal for this. Yes, my son is getting help, but it isn't doing much good.

I may get fired from my job next week, I don't know. I took all of last week off, due to the worst blow up with my son ever. He destroyed a just paid for laptop, which was a struggle to pay for, but he needed it for school. (Luckily we managed to get our desktop working again.) I completely shut down, didn't care about anything, couldn't get out of bed. I am going to see my dr. tomorrow, to see if I can at least get a note, and a referral for counseling for me. Son already is in counseling. But I don't know if it will work, if I lose my job, I will lose my house, which I am always on the edge of anyway.

I just feel so sad, and hopeless, and what is the point of everything. I am going to work at a job I hate, but I make probably $5 an hour more than I could get for any other type of job. I come home exhausted, watch TV, go to bed, and then get up and do it again. What is the point? I feel like I am just waiting to die, and it is going to be a struggle the entire rest of my life.

I have an "internet" friend who is a writer, and all of her friends on Facebook, are affluent, sophisticated people who travel and do glamorous things. If I check out their photos, I just end up with tears in my eyes. (Plus that is basically the life my ex if leading too.) I see pictures of vacation houses in Newport, R.I., with multiple families sharing a gorgeous beach house, and I know that will NEVER be me, never. I even did an internet search for old friends, all are either still married, or remarried, and successful. I am the only one I know personally who is in this situation. The ONLY one.

Yes, I know I will probably be put on meds, I was on antidepressants through my divorce, but they didn't do much good. And what is the point of meds or counseling, to just make me accept this crappy life? It doesn't change my reality. I am ALONE, no one to talk to, barely making it, absolutely HATING my life, not seeing the point to anything....I thought things would get better for me as the years went by after my divorce, but it is just worse. I am facing old age alone, and poor. And I think it is going to get worse.

I don't know that anyone can help me, can say anything to help, because nothing will change. I am always going to be on the outside looking in.

HOLLY

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2008
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:51am

Hello Holly.


I'm sorry to hear life is so difficult for you. This is my first time on the board too and yours was the first message that caught my attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 7:47am

Hey,


You two are about my age, so I feel you can relate. My husband of 31 years had an affair with a woman from his past that he still has feelings for...this was something I could have never imagingd happening in a million years and my life has come crashing down around me. The four years before we

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 8:16pm

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 5:30pm

Hi Holly,

The endings of our marriages are very similar. We were both married about the same length of time and both of our ex-husbands were having affairs. We are also the same age.

I have had exactly the same thoughts as you. Dreams shattered, of course, and with this economy, I don't know anyone, married or not, who isn't making changes in their family budget. That is, if they are fortunate enough to have money to budget. And, even those with jobs are worried about losing them.

One thing I have discovered these last few years, is that we are not alone in this predicament. I just was never aware of how many women this has, and still is, happening to.

I always thought of myself as a very strong person, but fell apart when my marriage ended.

I had other stress already on me at the time my husband exited, such as the recent death of a close girlfriend to cancer, going through menopause, taking care of an invalid Mother, who has now passed, two very spoiled, selfish, adult daughters who were acting out terribly, and the closing of a business I had worked very hard to build.

And 10 months into the divorce proceedings from hell, hurricane Katrina hit here, destroying almost everything for miles and miles...and I lost yet another close friend to cancer. I also lost my beloved, very comforting companion, my little pet dog.

I often wondered what I had done in life to make God so angry. But, in retrospect, of course, God had nothing to do with it.

My husband had cheated on his last wife and was a drinker. I knew this, but I married him and stayed. So that was a poor choice from the beginning on my part. Cheaters cheat. period.

My daughters are the way they are because I spoiled them terribly. So, bad choices, and again, my fault.

My Mother's situation was something many of us have faced, or will face, at some point in time. I did the best I could under the circumstances. So that was just one of those circle of life things. Just horrible timing.

Like you, I did not go to college. Instead, sent my oldest daughter through 8 years of college, and helped my ex build a business that he wanted (and he got it in the very unfair divorce settlement)leaving me without future income. Also, no alimony.

Again, my fault, I should have gone back to school years ago instead of promoting his interests.

I once read. "never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option." I think to my family, I was only an option. They were my priority. Big mistake...and again, mine.

Having said all that, I think it comes down to choices we make in life. Women should educate themselves, if there is anyway possible, so that if the fairytale ends, they can at least provide for themselves. Younger women reading this...please take serious notes here.

I once read, money doesn't cure everything, but at least you can be comfortable while you are miserable. LOL!

Now here we are. 57 years old and where to go from here? That is the million dollar question. Just as you, I have asked myself many times what the point of going on is all about. I can't even imagine getting remarried. There seems to be very slim pickings out there for women our age anyway.

It is interesting to me to see how differently people in about the same circumstances handle things.

A favorite quote, "two prisoners looked through the bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars".

I like this quote, because I think it is saying that we do still have choices, no matter our circumstances, such as these two men in prison. In this scenario, one prisoner is still seeking and finding beauty where he is, in whatever he can.

And, Holly, I think that is the secret. We have to learn to find joy where we are, with what we have. Enjoy the beautiful day, or evening, a lovely song, a good meal, (light those candles, put flowers on the table, and use the good china, if only for ourselves) enjoy the company of our loved ones, who are still with us. Laugh instead of cry, and not give up hope of finding our higher purpose.

If we don't do this, they win. And we, and those we love, and who love us, lose. Our sadness hurts us and them.

No matter our circumstances, there are always people out there in much worse condition. Maybe our higher purpose is to bring comfort to them, no matter how small, and in doing so, gain a sense of gratitude for our current situation and life, however meager or stressful.

I have a mink in the closet and jewelry in the safe, things from my old life...but how unimportant they are to me now. I have grown as a person. It has been painful, but I know now, more than at any other time in my life, what is important and what is not.

My choices, given my age, may be fewer now. But, I know for a fact that I will make better ones. I've seen and suffered the consequences of the careless, frivolous, choices I made in the past.

Every day won't be sunshine and roses, but it never really was. I hope I can continue to find something good and right and beautiful, no matter how small, in something every day, and I hope all the other survivors of divorce/betrayal can as well.

God bless, and keep and hold you Holly.

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