Suicidal Today

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Suicidal Today
8
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 8:16pm

Today was the worst I have ever experienced in my many years of dealing with depression.  I woke with anxiety.  It is a rainy, gloomy day here in California so I had to force myself out of bed and off to Curves.  It's as though I were watching myself in action.  I was just going through the motions.  Once I finished with the exercise, I got into my car and began sobbing.  I sobbed all the way home and fell into my husband's arms.  I just wanted to end it all.  If he had not been home, I'm not sure what I would have done.  I'm still dealing with such grief from the loss of my pet cat (almost two years ago) that I often times can not make it through the day without gut wrenching pain.  Then on top of the grief is the depression of my life.  We're so far from family and friends (my mother is almost 90 years old), we live from day to day wondering if my husband will hold on to his job.  My husband is very well educated and has great experience, but he is also 58 years old and whether companies want to admit to it or not, there is age discrimination.   It is a difficult and depressing process trying to find a job in these difficult times at any age, but espcially being an older adult.


We were forced to move to California because my husband lost his job due to corporate takeover and he could not find another in Georgia.  So on top of depression, I have homesickness.  We've made some friends, but we don't see them often, none that I feel comfortable just picking up the phone and calling because they are busy with their lives and other friends.  I'm the outsider.  I hate being at home because I am so lonely here and it reminds me of my deceased kitty.  Everywhere I look, I see her.  She was my little sweetheart.  I just don't recognize my life anymore.  I'm so envious when I'm walking in the mall and I see mothers and daughters and grandmothers all shopping and laughing and having lunch together.  Going home to cook a big family dinner and watch a movie in their home theaters.  A kitchen full of friends and family and everyone seeming to enjoy life.   It seems so many were blessed with this, but why not me?  I just feel doomed and if this is what my life is to be, then I believe it not worth living.  Does anyone else ever feel this low and sad?  Am I always going to feel so alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 11:19pm

I just wanted you to know I'd read your post and am sending you virtual hugs and good thoughts. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad... I've been to that place and it's just the most horrible feeling.

I'm wondering if it might help to find another pet (a cat if that's what you enjoy)... now, I don't mean to replace the one you've lost. No pet will be able to do that, but I lost my precious dog, Maggie about 4 yrs ago and thought I might just die along with her, but when I finally relented and got another dog (and then another - smile), I found I was able to enjoy him so much and he made me smile and he gave me the unconditional love I enjoyed so much with Maggie. He didn't replace her, but it felt so good to have another pup in my life, that I ended up being quite happy that my husband had insisted we get him. It's just a thought as it might help ease some of the loneliness you're feeling...

I also wanted to say how awesome it is that you made it to Curves despite such an awful day. I think you should be very proud of yourself for doing that. I know exercise is so great for depression, but I have just a terrible time even making myself take a walk around the block most days, so it's just really great that you got yourself there. It's gonna take time, of course, but if you can stick with it, I'm sure it will be very helpful!

{{{hugs}}}

Stacey

When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.

Stacey When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 9:45am

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.


I'm sorry you had such a rough day yesterday.

Avatar for siriele
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:06pm
It sounds like you can't see that it's not always rosy for other people. You think that people are so happy. Bull. We are all just getting by.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 2:09pm

Bea,


Your not alone!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 5:51pm

You could have said this with a little more kindness. Perhaps the kindness you'd appreciate from others?

{{{{{bea}}}}}

Stacey

When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.

Stacey When you do something for someone else, you create meaning in your own life as well as theirs. What you give you get to keep. What you fail to give you lose forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 7:27am

Sorry I'm so late in seeing this. Yes, I do feel this way, quite often lately. I'm nearly 32, watching my friends around me (who are also far away) who have great jobs and who didn't screw up their lives like I did going on fun vacations, buying new cars, posting pics on Facebook of the new homes and new puppies they're buying, getting married, having kids...and here I am, not doing any of those things I thought I'd be doing at my age. I live with my mom in a depressing apartment that's dirty (dirty as in walls are stained from years of heavy smoking, carpets are old, it's dusty everywhere, and the vinyl floors in the kitchen/bathroom are so old and grimy that they don't look clean even when you wash them). I can't even afford a junk car, I make $9.75/hour doing a job that is such hard work, I feel it should be $15/hour (I work in a store warehouse on the inventory control system team, and it's lifting a lot of heavy things, often on ladders), I feel like the girl who's good enough to be a girlfriend but not to marry (been through two adult long-term relationships which did not end in marriage), I feel like I just don't have the ability to do what I need to do to make changes in my life (or the money!).

I experience "stranger-at-the-mall" envy, too.

Anyway...I don't really have any advice. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 3:30pm







re:
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 12:19pm

I feel like I'm the only one sometimes, too!

I really think I do need to start some sort of therapy...but I don't think I signed up for mental health coverage on my insurance at work...now I can't change my coverage until October. Ugh!