I feel like his councellor, not his g/f

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
I feel like his councellor, not his g/f
3
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 2:08pm

Hey all,


I'm only 25, and I have a long life ahead of me, but here is the problem that I just don't know if i'm too young and should just move on with my life, or if I should continue to stick around. My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half now, and have been living together almost a year. Things were great in the beginning, but as time went on, especially once he moved in, I started to notice he has some real problems. His anger gets the best of him, then it leads to his depression.


Its affecting me in the way that I can't talk to him about anything, because it always turns into a debate or argument, which causes him to yell, then eventually breaks down to the point where he's crying on the floor saying it's all his fault. I have completely shut down on him. Our sex life has dwindled because I have no desire anymore, and I'm mentally drained. I try to keep the peace, I tip toe around his issues, I refuse to talk to him about some things because I know what will happen. While I don't think he would ever cross a line and physically hurt me, it's still always a possibility when someone is so upset and irrational, so it's safe to say that he scares me when he gets into these moods. He admits, and knows he has a problem, and we are waiting until March to get into the Psychologist that has been recommended. He refuses to go on anti depressants because of the side effects and because he has an addictive personality, so he wants to avoid pills. He has beat many addictions all on his own, without medication, so we want to try without drugs first.


In the mean time, I work in a social services field, so I have some of the training to deal with this stuff, but it just feels so, so wrong for me to use it on my boyfriend. I have made suggestions to him, I've given him exercises to work on, I've tried helping him "rewire" the way he thinks... but obviously I can't do it. I really do feel more like a councellor or mother to him, than girlfriend, which is why I have shut down, and why I don't have any intimate feelings towards him anymore. I love him, and don't want to give up on him, partially because I worry about him, and at times I'm scared of his thinking, but mostly because I know he's a good person under all this mess, and has the potential to recover from it, and then I can have my boyfriend back. 


Has anyone else felt this way? What did you do about it? How did you keep yourself sane? At what point is it time to give up because you've done all you can do? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 3:29pm

It's always so hard when someone we love is suffering with depression or other mental illness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 5:00pm

Hi, cosmo - I think that perhaps you should see what happens in March when he sees a psychologist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 1:43pm

I am currently the depressed one in the relationship, and I'm worried about coming across to my boyfriend like yours is coming across to you. :-/ You certainly can't fix him yourself. And I'm sure you ARE emotionally drained. I am living a little too closely with 2 family members who I suspect also suffer from depression like I do (and who are alcoholics to boot!). It is SO draining. It's good that he's willing to get professional help. He doesn't necessarily have to go on meds. I worried about the same things when I was hesitant to go on them. I'm not on any right now, but I took them for several years.

At what point do you give up? Well, there is no "set" answer for that. You have to decide if your love for him outweighs the distress his condition causes you. I am truly thankful that my boyfriend is still with me despite my problems. We don't really "fight" though; I simply have trouble coping with my life and tend to weigh down his shoulder with the weight of my tears.