What do you think about my story?
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| Fri, 01-22-2010 - 11:56pm |
Hello Everyone and Happy New Year! (let's hope that it will bring at least SOME happiness)-
I've been not only posting on this board for some time now but I recently tried to respond to some posts as well. I'm always concerned that I may not have much to offer someone in terms of advise because I am so lost myself. I can only hope that my perspective helps a bit.
I titled this post "I know what it is" because I believe that I may be onto "something" in regards to my miserably low self-esteem and symptoms of depression- both, I've been
struggling with for over a year now. I'm sort of hoping here that after reading my thoughts, you could provide me with your feedback and perspective, especially you- wonderful moderators. I do apologize in advance for its length and style as I am not a good writer so please, bear with me....Also, I am not looking for sympathy. Believe me, I've made my bed, I must lie in it.
First of all, 2009 was a horrible year for me and again, I do believe that because of all the things that happened to me, kind of back to back, bam bam bam. They were all the culprit of what became the snowball effect that eventually led to my demise (sounds dramatic, I know).
Okay, are you ready?
In late 2008 I've lost my 8th(!) job just being in my late 20s. It was a waitressing job and 8/10 of waitressing jobs I've held in about 10 yrs. Nice track record, huh? Let me be even more clear about it, what I mean by lost is fired. I was given the boot AGAIN. This time, it was kind of for the very same reason I was fired from previous jobs in restaurants- my attitude. No one has really cited it as the reason but as soon as "situation" arises and I speak up my mind, more often than not, shortly after I find out that I've been canned.
For those who have never waited tables, things that "come up" are usually scheduling conflicts, unfairness, someone getting better shifts, you know, politics. Sometimes actual customers complaint about your service and boom, you're gone. Sometimes I think it's just easy to get fired from restaurants because it is a fickle industry but I still believe that having the kind of track record I hold is still unusual. I think. Some of my friends managed to stay at the same place for 5+ years and despite of ups and downs, they keep plugging away.
The loss of my waitressing job made me severely depressed for weeks and even after that, I never fully recovered because the following events occurred: I was told by my boyfriend that I am a real loser who cannot keep a job (this really did me in because I totally support his view), this notion was confirmed by a friend- not in those words but she pretty much agreed that something isn't "normal" about constantly getting fired for nothing "that bad". Then my cat died and I learned that one of my neighbors started spreading rumors about me, calling me crazy and weird. It didn't help that I already had a strained relationship with my neighbors because I am not very social when it comes to being a neighbor so they probably support the idea that I am this crazy chick.
All this in a span of 12 months. It may not sound like a lot but believe me, I never knew what anxiety/depression was until this past year. It kind of hit me one day that I "really am a loser who can't keep a job, has big mouth, is perceived in a worse way than I really am" and it's all my fault. I've read about negative self talk and how it can effect the brain and our self belief but guess what, what do you do when you actually DO believe that all of those negative things about yourself ARE true?
So I started hating myself for months, drowning in self pity, self loathing, short of suicide. I never drank, did drugs or did anything remotely destructive in my life so being sober and clean certainly did not help a mind that went out of control. Honestly, sometimes I think that it would have been easier on me if I was the type to self-medicate, days would pass by quicker instead of sitting on my couch everyday and over thinking stuff. Because that was precisely what I did for a year. I started collecting unemployment and because the money I was collecting was almost the same as what I was earning prior, I saw no reason to seek employment. To boot, I was spiraling into deep depression, so it made "sense" that I stayed at home and drowned in my tears. After all, I was losing my mind, literally and figuratively, I let myself go physically, went days without showering and only managed to pull myself together when my parents came over which was every other weekend. I cannot believe that I've spent an entire year in that state. Then again, I sort of have been able to pull off the functioning mode, getting up in the morning, feeding the fish, taking out the trash, watching some tv, eating little meals, you know the joyless existence, yet not exactly suicidal.
As things couldn't get any worse, somewhere around late 2008 I've developed physical symptoms of depression as a result of my body slowly shutting down- ear ringing, terrible migraines, tingling and numbness, joint pain, you name it, I had it.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I must start somewhere if there;s going to be any progress in my recovery so I decided on seeing a therapist. I hope that I've made the right decision because so far he is costing me my 401K money as I don't have health insurance.
Back to the matter at hand, I truly believe that my depression is rooted in the fact that I have finally, some 20 years after i was born, came to the realization that most of my problems stem from some kind of flawed personality I possess and a warped way of behaving. I mean, the jobs I've lost over the years, the inability to thrive in a work environment, I somehow get myself in these situations where I rock the boat or something.
I am a very attractive girl so I know ppl are not repulsed by me but I think that there;s something that turns them off about me. Maybe it's that I've always tried to act like I'm confident because deep down I never had the proper amount of self esteem, something that I should thank my mother who always criticized my every move. I became hyper sensitive about how others perceive me and tried to desperately fit in every situation, whether it was a job or a social setting. Somwhow that backfired because here I am, a complete mess.
Besides the poor job track record, I've been having the problems with my neighbors. I know I've written about this on here before. It pretty much goes like this: I have a beautiful condo, I mean a truly great place. I own it, it is my mortgage, I've been killing myself trying to pay my bills on time. I've lived in it for 2 years. Can't really sell it right right now, with the way the real estate market has been. The first year was fantastic, I was so proud to own this place, I came home every night, lit candles and truly enjoyed the space. I never became friendly with the neighbors aside from the occasional hello, but on most part I tried to separate myself from them because I started noticing how clique-key they were all becoming. You know, the congregating on the corner, talking to one another, shoveling each others driveways. It almost did not bother me until the incident with the cat. I mean, I was traumatized after I saw him getting killed. He got ran over by a car by someone in my neighborhood but no one ever came forward and I had no leads. Mentally I collapsed. I started withdrawing even more, I probably stopped even saying hello to them because for a while there I just sat at my condo in utter shock and mourning. I probably cried for weeks on end. My boyfriend kept telling me no one does this over a cat but deep down I knew there was more to it. The lost jobs, the self pity, confusion, the neighbors and their stares.
Then I heard that a few of the families that live on my block don't like me. I heard it with my own ears because I had my windows open. I heard snippets like: "oh yeah, her... don't really care about her...seems crazy or something...weird....hey, did yo hear, her cat got ran over...ha ha....she deserved it stuck up bitch...."
I should sum this up before I write 100 more sentences but can you see how these experiences can lead to my depression? I am not sure, however, if this is my complete inability to process these events in a more constructive way, lack of coping skills or if I really made it all happen on my own. I mean, I did not cause my cat to die, I'm sure, but not being overly friendly to my neighbors seems to made me pay the price because they interpreted it as a character flaw. After hearing such negative things about myself, espacially that they perceive me as weird, my self esteem went from 3 to 0. Whatever was left from it, it dissapeared in an instant. And the irony of it is that I did develop some weird behaviors as a result. I stopped getting my mail during the day out of fear from having to face them, I barely get out of the house for the same reason and I am paranoid that they're talking about me each time I hear a conversation coming from the outside.
My fingers hurt from typing. What do you recon?

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I think first of all you believe that there is a higher being that is able to restore your peace of mind that is the person of God.Trusting in him makes you confident that there is someone who is there to make you feel at peace even in the midst of the storm. Secondly, i recommend that you do not blame yourself whatever negative thing that happens to you, since this reduces your self confidence. Lastly, just believe that life was not meant to be pleasant all times because the bad times builds us. take care of yourself with the hope that better things await those who do not let situations weigh them down.
aubrey - first of all, I recommend that you stop worrying about what your neighbors think.
Aubrey,
First, I would like to say I understand your grief and mourning over your cat.
I just have to say that you are NOT A LOSER. Not at all. Why? Because I think it's very impressive that you own your own home and pay your bills on time! You have to be responsible to be able to do those things. I am almost 32 and have never owned a home. I can't even RENT a home right now. I owned a brand-new car for 5 years...and then had it repossessed because I'd gotten in over my head and could not afford the payments anymore. I have horrible credit. I spend my money on "nothing" (i.e., don't save and don't know where it all goes!), I'm living with my MOTHER in a horrible (to me) living situation because I've been so bad with my money that when my ex and I split up, I had to move in with her. I'm working retail making $9.75/hour and have managed to amass IRS debt, and am still paying for a storage unit in another state (the belongings in it are sentimental/family heirlooms and I do not want to give them up), so right there, that's almost $200/month in bills...rent would run me about $400-$500...right there, that's half my monthly take-home pay! I'd still have to pay for utilities, groceries, furniture for a place, and somewhere in there, start saving money for a car/emergencies. I'm horrible at saving. I finally decided to turn over a new leaf and save for real, but now, my mom's having financial troubles and she often turns to me to buy cigarettes for her and my brother (who is disabled and unable to work), or pay for other stuff. So...living with her isn't really "saving" me money. I try to make up a budget...but I always always ALWAYS mess it up, then say "---- it!"
Anyway, enough about me...I just wanted to say that I, for one, do not think you are a loser; I think *I* am! :-/
About your neighbors "talking" about you...I do this to myself all the time. Growing up, I dealt constantly with the cruelty of others, including being talked about. It has made me paranoid about being talked about as an adult. I, too, would walk into a room and feel like everyone had been talking about me. Two things about that that I have used to try to deal with that. I tell myself, A. It's very easy to hear snippets of something and think it was about you - sometimes, it's not even! I'll think I hear one thing; that's how I am perceiving it - that may not actually be what I heard. B. I tell myself, "Who gives a ----?" Well, yes, I do give a ----, but I simply tell myself loudly that I don't. (I don't actually say it; I just think it). Does it work? Well, it's finally starting to. :-)
I don't know very much about depression really. I am on this board inquiring about my mother. I just don't get it-depression, that is. I am sorry you are in this "situation" and that you feel this way. You know, maybe if you just let it go you'd be fine. I think you are way overanalyzing this situation. You have a great condo so enjoy it. Screw the neighbors. They can blab all they want but what do they matter really? You should go outside and run laps around the condo listening to music, smiling the entire time. You should have friends over to enjoy your home, drink too much, laugh too loud and invite them over to the party to show them how much you could care less about their gossip.
The cat...well, that is awful, just awful. I'm so sorry you lost the cat and that is tragic. I couldn't imagine...again, sorry that happened to you. Focus on the positive about youself girl! You are attractive, have a lovely condo and you can get another job. Sometimes having a friend over(even if you have to force yourself at first) is a good picker upper and confidence booster.
@ Momstudent4
Unfortuantely, depression isn't something that a person can snap out of. And all of that overanalyzing is a symptom of depression. It's called ruminating- obsessive thoughts about things a healthy person wouldn't think about at all, or only briefly. These are symptoms you can't control when you have clinical depression, major depressive disorder or other mental health issues.
Depression is caused by a lack of hormone in the brain. Your body isnt making enough of this hormone- either dopamine or seratonin (it can either/or or both) for the person to function. A seratonin deficiency caused unexplained weepiness. It's a symptom of the disease. Which can be treated. When you go on anti-depressants, the medication is providing those missing hormones, and hopefully, helping to teach your brain what a normal level should be so that if you are able to go off medication at some point, your brain will be able to take over the production of these chemicals on it's own. But for now, there is a malfunction, and it's not doing what it's supposed to. No different than a thyroid problem, or any other chronic condition. I have found if you can think about it in scientific terms, depression is much easier to understand when you don't have it. Depression is associated with needing to talk about feelings and being weepy- some people think people with depression are lazy or self centered or dwellers and they need to just stop what they are doing and go back to being normal. But it's not a choice; it's a medical condition, whose symptoms affect our "feelings" directly due to the lack of hormones.
As for the original poster, to me it sounds like you need to talk to your doctor about getting some medication, or more medication. All of the things you are worrying about, are valid things, but they shouldn't be causing you this much upset. Go talk to your provider about the obsessive thoughts and stuff. This is all totally part of the depression. It's not just you, and everybody DOES have poopy years. It happens! Taking some time to figure out what is getting you in trouble personality wise would be good- it's self discovery! Perhaps whatever part of your personality that is disliked is actually due to the depression, in which case, medication is the solution, as is therapy. It will be ok, you just gotta get back on the band wagon. I'm glad you came here for help!
Thanks for explaining. I am, like I said before, looking at this from my viewpoint (not depressed) and I really don't understand too well. I do look at it as self-centered and dwelling. My mother does that way too much..way too much. I never thought of it as being a symptom of depression. My mother dwells on subjects to the point where she'll bring them up hours after a conversation has ended and no one will know what she's referring to.
I have thyroid issues and, unfortunately, they don't fix themselves as depression may do over time w/meds. I've had thyroid hormone level probs all my life and take one pill to correct it. W/out the pill I'd be a skinny, hairless, mess :) ha, ha! Not really, I never let it go that far w/out dosage adjustment.
Daughter dying of cancer at 29 and son with a brain tumor- are you for real?
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