Depression and relationships

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Registered: 08-31-2009
Depression and relationships
8
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 12:53pm

Does anyone else blow things out of proportion relationship-wise when you're feeling depressed? I feel like I read too much into every little thing with my boyfriend. If I don't hear from him much (we're texters), I start to worry that he's mad at me. Then I keep thinking about it, getting more and more depressed, looking back and trying to "find" little things that he's done that may indicate a "problem." By the end of the day, I'll have myself convinced that he's unhappy and is about to break up with me. I then start thinking of how I'll cope with a breakup. Then...I'll find out the reason he didn't write back: a couple times it's been because his phone had died, another time was because he was dealing with a family emergency. A lot of times, it's because he's sleeping when I text him, and by the time he gets my messages (which usually aren't anything important - just silly things I experience in my day-to-day that I feel like sharing), he's rushing to get ready for work or something.

I can't make myself stop. He's going through some things right now himself, and as a result, he is not as available as he used to be. We used to work together. Now, he has a different job and is also in the process of preparing to enter the military. I work 3rd shift; he works a mix of 1st and 2nd shift. Sometimes we have different days off. Also, while he does not live terribly far from me, trips to see me do add up gas-wise, and I don't have my own car to go see him (he lives in a more rural area without any restaurants or whatnot, so it makes more sense for him to come my way...and he lives with his parents and is not ready for me to meet them yet, so I can't just go hang out at his house).

Anyway, all those factors mean I don't see him as much as I used to. And sometimes, he's just awful tired when I do see him. Instead of feeling lucky that despite being tired, he made the trip down to see me, I start worrying that he's being "distant." I usually worry about it until the next time I see him, when he's less tired and more himself.

I feel like I'm LOOKING for there to be a problem, and I need to stop! Every time I talk to him about being worried that he's about to leave me, he pretty much just holds me and says, "Shh!" Or, if I say I'm worried he doesn't want me in his life (i.e., the not meeting his parents thing), he says, "You know that's not true." And I do. I just get so caught up in my depression that I start thinking about all the other men in my past who have left me, and I start the whole, "Well, he's just going to leave me, too. Everyone else does!"

I can't stand what I'm doing to myself. Sure, there are some things we need to work out (i.e., communication now that we don't see each other as often, and the meeting of his parents and him meeting my family...that is very important to me, and I keep telling him I really need him to understand that). He's younger than I am and I seriously don't think he has ever brought a girl home - the only other girl he dated seriously was when he and his parents were living in different states. And he keeps saying he just feels awkward. So...that, and some other things are things I need to work out with him. But that doesn't mean doom and gloom! All relationships go through their ups and downs...and the "downs" don't get resolved overnight. So why do I keep making myself sick over it?

Anyway, I really need to start dealing with my insecurity and "abandonment issues", which are exacerbated by my depression, because I don't want them to cause a "self-fulfilling prophecy." Despite whatever's going on with my guy, I really have very strong feelings for him and I don't want my behavior to push him away. One thing I'm lucky for is that my issues have not yet done that. I apologize all the time for getting so sad. He always responds by hugging me and saying, "Shh! We don't say 'sorry' for that." Or, if I'm texting him and say I'm sorry for being so blue, he'll say, "Life is a long time. It's not all good."

One good thing that happened to me today is I kind of opened up to one of my female coworkers who I'm friendly with (she noticed I seemed kind of blue and invited me to use her shoulder to cry on, so to speak). It felt good to make a connection with another female here where I'm living. Most of my "girl friends" live 1500 miles away.

So...I was just wondering who else has a tendency to think things are much worse than they actually are when a bout of depression kicks in?

Edited 1/24/2010 12:55 pm ET by cameragirl78




Edited 1/24/2010 1:02 pm ET by cameragirl78
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Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 1:14pm

Wanted to add this, too:

Other times, I convince myself that he's joining the military to get away from me, or that it means he won't miss me (because why would he choose to do something that will take him away from me? Yes, I know thinking that way is majorly messed up and wrong and not true at all).

Sometimes I'll torture myself by thinking about him being shipped off to some other country, and him meeting someone else while he's there away from me...or I'll start to worry about him getting hurt. He's not even leaving for basic training for over 6 months! He has not even been accepted yet.

I want to be a good girlfriend and I just feel like I'm not being one! ::sigh:: I think it's time to reconsider being on meds. I'm just scared of how it will affect certain "things" that are going GREAT with me and my b/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 2:49pm

cameragirl - if he is going to join the military, there will probably be lots of times that he will be away from you in the future,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 8:12pm
Girl I read your post and couldn't believe it! I get EXACTLY the same way! My Boyfriend just had
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Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 1:23am
I know exactly what you mean.. I am my own worst enemy. I get in my head and start picking around in it causing uncontrollable thoughts. My boyfriend lives quite a distance away which causes a numerous about of thoughts and anger to come out due to my depression. It gets so bad I often think I just want to end my life to get it to stop. I yell and scream and then it turns to guilt and embarrassment. Then crying and more crying.. and then I am still in my head trying to figure out why the guy is with me. WHICH turns into trying to get him to dump me cause I don't deserve him. I have been seeing a counselor and she has been helping me out. This is the first weekend I haven't lashed out at him in a long time about stuff going on in my head. The only problem it is still there..

"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse."


"..contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."


"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself

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Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 9:36am

I do need to address my abandonment issues. I know why I have them (and why I freak out every time a day or two goes by that I don't hear from him). My first boyfriend was very socially inept. He didn't know how to deal with relationships. But I was very infatuated with him. He got freaked 3 times in the course of the time I was with him, and decided to stop seeing me. Instead of telling me he wanted to break up, he just avoided me. Didn't show up to see me. Didn't answer my calls. Kept on driving when I parked outside his house one night that I knew he was out and decided to wait until he got home to force him to talk to me. It was one of the most horrible, gut-wrenching dating experiences I ever had. It hurt even more than when I had a face-to-face breakup.

Then, I had a 4-year relationship with a guy who was originally from a different state than the one in which we were living at that time. It was always in the back of my mind that he might decide to move back to where he came from. And he did. So he "left me."

After that, I had a string of "contacts" with men who I was interested in who did the no call/no show thing. Then, a relationship with a man who, instead of breaking up with me when things weren't working for him, decided to treat me badly so I'd get fed up and break up with him.

Finally, with my last boyfriend (the one who was in the Coast Guard), I suspect there was much he was not honest with me about. (Once I lived with him and his parents, I discovered he lied about things a little too easily to his folks, and started to wonder what he'd lied to me about). In the end, when his mother decided she wanted me "out of her house" (I had moved a considerable distance to be with him and we were still staying with his parents nearly a year later because the job market was not as good as we'd thought and we were only working part-time), I had to move to live with my mom. He promised we'd maintain a long-distance relationship. But as soon as I got here, he basically acted like we were broken up. One-word responses to my messages, hardly called me, barely spoke and acted very distant and disinterested when I'd call him (if he'd even pick up the phone). Even after I finally left him 2 voice mails telling him if I didn't start hearing from him, it was over. I never heard from him again, and he had his FATHER be the one to contact me about sending me my belongings. He also, in the course of our relationship, considered a number of professions that would cause us long and short-term separations (i.e., truck driver, civilian contractor in Iraq, enlist in a different branch of the military, volunteer for a Coast Guard assignment that would send him to Bahrain for a year).

All these things lead me to feel like I keep ending up with guys who want to be "away" from me. But I have to quit thinking like that! In all honesty, I think the military would be a much better future for my b/f than working in retail. I just wish he had found a niche that wouldn't cause us long-term separation. But, he didn't, and this is what he wants to do, so I have to accept it and find a way to cope (because just giving up and not trying would make me feel so much worse).

So...when you add all this up...I take all these things that have happened in past relationships, and assume that if my current boyfriend is a little less attentive to me than normal, that is means something bad. The reality is, he's not a "morning person", yet he works early mornings. I am a 3rd shift worker. So, if he knows I'm sleeping, he doesn't bother to text me; if I text him, he's usually sleeping (he gets tired when he works mornings, so he often ends up falling asleep when he's home not doing anything...much like I used to when I worked early every day). I have to just put my faith in that if it's meant to work out, it will, regardless of separation.

shimmering_moonlight...I agree with BOTH your quotes. I really, truly feel very strongly towards him, so much so that the thought of not being with him at all hurts a heck of a lot more than only seeing him once a week like we are right now (well, once a week or twice a week, depending on our schedules).

Edited 1/26/2010 9:37 am ET by cameragirl78




Edited 1/26/2010 9:40 am ET by cameragirl78
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Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 10:31am
Oh...another thing to add...no, I am not currently in therapy, as much as I'd like to be. One, my health insurance does not cover it, and with me wanting to get a car and my own apartment so I can get out of this abysmal living situation I'm in, it's not possible for me to pay for it myself. Two, even if I could go to therapy, my mom is too in my business. It's not like I could say to her, "I'm going out for a while." She'd be like, "Where? With whom? For how long?" And I simply can't tell them I am going to a therapist. My mom would get all weepy and start crying and say, "It's all my fault!" And my brother would get mad and say, "How dare you think YOU have problems! Look at me! My life is MUCH worse than yours! How dare you feel unhappy!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 1:57pm

Just have to say I'm going through something very similar. I was disgnosed with depression about 2 weeks ago. I started seeing my boyfriend 6 months ago. He lives pretty far away and he has a lot of family problems which has stopped us seeing each other a few times. I love him

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Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 3:07am

I'm lucky in that my b/f doesn't live that far away; just a 15-20 minute drive...but like I was saying, the gas adds up!

I almost sent him a borderline "psycho" message last night because I was so worried I wouldn't hear back from him as to whether or not we were going to go out tonight. I kept writing, then erasing, then writing, then erasing...finally, I was about to simply put the phone down so I wouldn't write something I'd regret, he texted me back. I just need to relax and let things be! We went out tonight and had a great night. So, I just need to keep that itchy texting finger from sending messages that I shouldn't!