Looking for Answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Looking for Answers
7
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 8:05pm

Hi Everyone,


I am new to this board. I came looking for advice and support as I believe I am very depressed and have been for quite some time. I read the other posting about "Major Depression Symptoms" and I scored 8/9; with every symptom except thinking about death all the time. I do think about death occasionally, but not all the time. When I say, I think of death, I mean that I wish I could stop feeling the way I do, but I would never hurt myself. Mainly because I don't want to hurt my children, husband and parents. My sister died young and that was really hard for all of us. I could never intentionally do that to the ones I love (she died an accidental death).


I have felt for a long time, that I was just in a "funk", maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I could sleep better, maybe I was just working so much. But honestly, I have had many days on the weekends, where I get all the sleep I need, have my kids and husband home with me and have no desire to do ANYTHING!


That's where the shame comes in, I don't feel like playing with the kids, I don't feel like cleaning or cooking, I don't feel like visiting family or having people over. I don't even feel like showering and getting dressed!  I used to love to clean my house, play with the kids, go do all these things.


The only things I actually look forward to doing are watching movies, as this is an escape for me.  I feel ashamed that everything I do has to be forced. Force that smile, force myself to shower, force affection. I also know that my family deserves me whole, not sick, not depressed.


So, I decided to actually start taking the antidepressant that I have had prescribed to me for months. I already know it will take months to work, but I feel like I am at bottom. My parents don't know I am depressed. No one but my husband really knows. I feel like everyone would say, "What has she got to be depressed about?" She has a wonderful job, family, makes a good income, has a nice house, everyone is healthy. What's the deal with her? 


And what would I say to them?  I don't even know why myself. Some days, I wish I could just crawl in a hole and live there for days. I actually want to just take a vacation from work so I can just do nothing but sleep and stay in my house (how pathetic).  My husband has been doing more than his fare share of the household chores, cooking, etc. I feel that I owe it to him to get better.


I just feel that meds can't possibly be enough to fix all this. If all it is, is a chemical imbalance in my brain, then maybe. I just wish I knew what "triggered" this.


I was wondering if any of you have ever been in this place I am in now? Half of me wants to believe I can get better, half of me believes I may never get better.


Besides medication, does anyone have any advice on how I can start getting better?  Do I just force myself to do things I really don't want to do?  Do I continue to "fake" it to everyone?  Any advice for overcoming the insomnia?  I tend to fall asleep really late and want to sleep in every morning I am not working (which is only on the weekends) I have to drag myself out of bed on weekdays.


Thanks, I look forward to your discussions.


 


Shelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 9:23pm

Shelly,


I am new here too. I am sorry you are struggling here. I get it. I know the feeling...you get tired of faking it. I, too, just keep trying and trying and hope that the longer I fake it, the more it actually may become fact. But I am often struggling with depression and feeling blue. I get it. Your shame is understandable and to hide it is exhausting.


I am proud of you for giving the

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 4:48am

Welcome Shelly:

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 7:29pm

Hi, Shelly - thank you for posting and I hope you keep on doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 12:10pm

Hi Shelly,


Welcome to the board!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 2:31pm
I could have written your post word for word especially this part "What has she got to be depressed about?" She has a wonderful job, family, makes a good income, has a nice house, everyone is healthy. What's the deal with her?" I have finally learned to compare it to diabetes. If I had diabetes, I wouldn't be thinking that people were asking how it was possible that I had it and that I had no reason to have it. For some reason, there is an inner shame that seems to go along with any mood disorder and society doesn't help that. But it's no different than any other illness. Some people have diabetes. It doesn't mean that they are weak or flawed. They just have an illness. Of course, knowing that intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two different things. I've recently began to be more open about my depression and anxiety and it's been like a weight has lifted. I would definately suggest therapy. That is a great help for giving you coping tools.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2010
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 6:44pm

Like many of us, you seem to be looking for a formula...which does not exist, but categorizing your thoughts like this can help you find clarity:


List your objectives (these are different from goals as they can be assessed and measured):


Mine are currently


1. Smile about something that effected me in a positive way at least once a day.


2. Express a "negative" emotion productively.


3. Make a tangible effort to

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 5:08pm

Mine are:

1. Try to force myself to keep busy and accomplish my goals instead of wallowing
2. Walk away from my escapes(books, internet, etc) and spend time with my family
3. Try to smile and enjoy things that happen everyday.