Mother is depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mother is depressed
5
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 1:26am

Can anyone help me understand my mother who, I believe, is severly depressed??? She has always been extreme w/her moods and dramatic. For ex, she didn't go to my sister's wedding because she was too upset to go because my sister married someone she didnt approve of. He's a great guy, just not what my mom wanted so she didn't go. Quite a shame really. She has thrown away all our baby photos and childhood photos/mementos when she was upset one year about my sister moving out of the house(she was 20-something, college grad, moving to start a job in another state) and now that I am married w/children she has stopped letting me visit her(we are many states apart.) Ex: we hadnt seen her or my dad for a year, had a new baby and drove to TX from MD to the city they were in. She left the room when we walked in and left the area for awhile until we left. I went to a house she was in (my aunts house) and it was 100 degrees outside(TX summer) and she didnt open the front door to welcome us(us being me, husband, 3 kids (all under 6.) She left us outside waiting in the sun for 30 mins till we gave up and left. Then xmas rollls around this yr and I made plans to visit. We were going to drive from FL to TX to see her/dad and she seemed ok w/it on the phone. Days later she called to tell me she was going to visit her mom that week so it was a bad time. I called that wk(xmas day)to wish merry xmas and she was home....she never went. So, she's avoiding me. It hurts and it's hurt for years. Now I'm at a point where I give up. I quit calling daily and I quit calling once a week. I quit trying to go visit. Are the things she's done symptoms of depression or mental illness? I dont understand her at all. I dont understand why she pushes me away yet will call and talk to me all about her day like normal. She asks for pics of the kids but wont take the many opportunities I give to even see them. Why??? I cant talk about this to my dad. I'm sure he's in a personal hell w/her but that's his choice as far as I see it. He chooses to go along w/her derranged shenanigans. I'm not sure why. My sister says to just call her once a week to say hi and dont upset her, be cordial. Any advice or help for me? Anyone else have a loved one doing this to them? Is this depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 5:11am

Welcome.


My only advice is you say you can't talk to your Dad about it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 12:28pm

Your sister is right; call your mother only once a week and keep a healthy distance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 9:57pm

Hi, I read your reply awhile back but I couldn't get back to you. I am calling her once

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 10:55pm

She's got some kind of a personality disorder or mental illness. Sort of sounds like borderline personality disorder to me, but I'm not a professional.

I think what's going on with your parents is co-dependence. They only function as a unit together. They don't know it any other way.

I think making the effort with your dad is important. Something IS wrong with her and she needs some help. Talk to him, build up your relationship with him and draw it out.

Despite your issues with your mom and how she's treated you it's obvious you love her because why else would you have tolerated it for so long? So help her.

Dad first, get him on the bandwagon, then mom. Also consulting a therapist yourself is a good idea. They may be able to help you make sense of it, teach you to be more helpful to your mom, or to even just cope with her drama.

Seriously sucks. My friend's mom is a nut job as well- awful, awful awful to basically lose a mom like that. And her mom gets help, deicdes shes better and then stop getting help which makes the whole cycle start again. It has totally crushed my friend and destroyed their relationship over time.

But there's always hope, right? There's always hope.

Also, did you ever consider just showing up and banging on the door without telling her? Get a hotel room there, drop off the kids with dad , and stealthily knock on the door. Who knows what could happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 8:37am

I hate to talk in circles about things like this. I am more of the type where you find a solution and do it, no discussion. However, she is entirely different and I can't get anwywhere w/her. She has been diagnosed depressed in the past, took meds and stopped them.