Boyfriend depressed...pushing me away
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| Wed, 02-03-2010 - 10:03am |
So my boyfriend received a phone call from someone he used to be interested in romantically that he talked to online. They never met in person, but he had feelings for her. Then, he met me, and ended things with her (I guess things weren't going well). We've been dating for 8 months. Anyway, so she called him the other day and told him that she's dying of cancer. She lives in another state, and wants him to come visit her, and he feels like he can't say no.
This has totally destroyed him. He won't see anyone, or talk to anyone, or do anything except go to work and sleep. He wasn't even going to tell me what was wrong at first - he just said he had "some things going on" that he couldn't talk about and that he needed a sort of "break" from seeing me because he's having such a hard time dealing with this. I gently coaxed him into telling me what was going on, and he finally did.
As a depressed person myself who has been having my own "issues" dealing with some aspects of our relationship, this has destroyed me, too. My emotions are running from grief as though we're breaking up (which we aren't, not technically), to anger at this person for insinuating herself into his life again and doing this to him (even though I feel like a horrible person for saying that...I do know that people who are dying tend to try and reach out to people and say their goodbyes), to anger/frustration at him because I truly don't understand why he's so upset to the point he's shutting everyone out over a girl who he only talked to on the phone/online (part of me thinks it's because he's got a big heart and maybe feels guilty...he's one of those people who, once he has cared about you once, he never stops), to jealousy that he still has some sort of feelings for another woman, to despondence over not knowing when he's going to be feeling like himself again and if/when we can resume our relationship, to grief over missing him and the fun we have together.
This all came about yesterday when I confronted him because he has been ignoring my messages (we mainly communicate via text). He got the call less than a week ago. I hate going to sleep, because I dream about him. I hate being awake because I can't stop crying. I love him so much that I feel like part of me has been ripped out. I'm willing to give him some time to deal with this. But I'm already stressing and worrying about the "what-if's." And with Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up, I'm just so horribly depressed. And as many of you know, my living situation is going to make dealing with this unbearable. :-(

I've been just sick over all this. A couple of friends have pointed out that this all very unfair to me, especially since he's never met the woman. So...I sent him a message and told him how I feel about the whole thing (the whole fact that he's never met this woman in person, yet she has this hold on him, has me concerned). I may have pushed him away even more by doing this, but I had to just say how I feel (because I didn't say what I should have when we talked yesterday), so if this makes his feelings for me change, so be it. It wasn't meant to be, then.
Still doesn't make me all better...but strangely, telling him how upset I am made me feel slightly better. Yesterday, I pushed my own feelings aside and sympathized...then today, I realized...it's not like this is his mom or dad, or a close friend...it's a woman he had a telephone/online relationship with.
I think you did exactly the right thing.