Just SO tired of everything.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Just SO tired of everything.....
7
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 9:55am

Where do I begin? I guess here...My husband passed suddenly 6 years ago at the age of 49. Left me with two teenagers and very little money and some debt. All my family is gone too.

We basically made it through somehow. Both kids are in college now and doing very well. One will graduate in May and already has a couple of job offers. The other made Dean's list this past semester. So I should be one happy Mom. But I'm not.

I lost may job in June and was unemployed until last month. Not a great job by any means, but it's a paycheck, but barely. And in this economy I guess I should be glad for that. But I hate this job.

I have very few friends, mostly by my own choice. Everyone I know is coupled in some form and hanging out with them just makes me sadder. They don't "get" my situation.

I have a very small, shabby house that needs so much work and no means to repair it.

And like so many people, my banks have slashed my credit balances and raised the interest rates on my cards. My checking account is being smacked with all kinds of new charges.

I have tried dating on and off for that past few years, but it's always disappointing. All the men I've met a players just looking to get laid. I'm never the "keeper".

I was in therapy until 2 years ago when my insurance didn't want to cover anymore visits and I couldn't afford to pay on my own. When I approached my therapist about my financial dilemma, she didn't offer any assistance or ideas. So much for the one person that I thought cared about my situation! My bad I guess. I'm on 10mg Lexapro daily with a side dose of Clonozapem for those really tough moments. Doesn't seem to work anymore.

I am tired all the time and realize this may be full blown depression. And yes, I have had suicidal thoughts recently. I think my kids would be better off financially if I was dead. They'll both graduate knee deep in debt with student loans and the proceeds from the sale of my house would more than pay for that and give them some cash left over. But I do know they'd rather have me alive than have the money. We all love each other so much. But I feel I've failed them big time financially.

But I am alone, broke(and getting poorer by the minute) and feel that this is it. This is all there is or will be.

I guess I'm looking for help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:49am

Welcome to the board.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 2:00pm

I am so sorry for your situation; it sounds really hopeless the way you describe it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 9:28am

Thank you both for responding.

As far going to the local hospital, well, been there done that. It was horrible. I ended up in a ward with raging drunks and drug addicts most of which had to be restrained. They were screaming, some were crying. It was awful. I met with a very tired doctor. She asked me a few questions. I knew the "right" answers and that's what I gave her. I wanted to get out as quickly as possible. That's where you end up when your "poor".

And yes, I would love to go back to school. Who's paying the tuition???? I have a hard enough time qualifying for FAFSA for my kids. Also, I'm 54, so I'd be like 60+ when I graduate going part time. Gee, just in time to retire...hopefully. What would be the point? I need to make money now.

I came from a time when you could still make a respectable living without a degree. Some intelligence and a little perseverance could carry you far. But now there's all these 30 something, spoiled children, hiring managers who don't give a crap about that. They just want to see a degree. They don't recognize human value. I'd like to smack them all in the head and remind them that it's people like me that paved the way for them. Snotty brats.

And thanks for wanting me to keep posting, but you pretty much have the whole story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 9:53am
I have a very near and dear friend in her upper sixties who just completed massage therapy school. She is debt up to her nose but is happy, she found her passion. Perhaps your answer is not in a degree, but in something that truly sets you on fire! The people posting on your discussion are trying to help and be supportive, look at your silver linings and get off your pity pot. I am currently in college to be an educator and not all college graduates are spoiled little brats. I am working as hard as I can to make ends meet and finish college with at least some financial dignity without the support of my parents (I'm 22). Give humanity the benefit of the doubt and you will not be as disappointed. We ALL struggle, and we are HERE for support and common ground, find some and pass it on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 1:55pm

I would love to be 22 again and have my whole life ahead of me. At 22 you have no idea the curves that life can throw you. And my kids are putting themselves through school too. I want to help, but can't. How do you think that makes me feel as a parent? Oh never mind. You never had kids, so how would you know?

And finding your passion is great when your bills are paid. Remember I still have 2 other people who depend on me for many things like health care. My oldest is diabetic and the youngest has asthma. I also have a mortgage, car payments, etc. Can't just toss it all to take up oil painting or some other asinine endeavor.

And depression is NOT a "pity pot" as you put it. It's serious. So again I'll attribute your ignorance, and lack of compassion, to your age.

Do me a favor and don't post in my thread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 11:16am

Dear Startingover05,


I'm happy you understand that your children would rather have you here than the money from your house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 3:00pm
So the new job you got a month ago offered instant health care coverage for your college-age children? What company is that? You know, college-age people can get health ins thru their college. UPS offers full health insurance for you and your dependents if you work there PART TIME. You could apply at UPS and they have all kinds of shifts from 0400-0900 or day/night shifts doing all kinds of jobs. Your college-age children could join ROTC and then have military health insurance benefits. You mentioned you wanted to sell your home. You could put your house on the market and live in an apartment if you wanted to give them the money from your house being sold. One bdrm rent is cheap in most cities or share a dwelling is cheaper. There are many many options for you. Your life is not so much in a rut and there are ways out. Look on the bright side: your children are successful and that is a reflection of you.