Just SO tired of everything.....
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| Sat, 02-06-2010 - 9:55am |
Where do I begin? I guess here...My husband passed suddenly 6 years ago at the age of 49. Left me with two teenagers and very little money and some debt. All my family is gone too.
We basically made it through somehow. Both kids are in college now and doing very well. One will graduate in May and already has a couple of job offers. The other made Dean's list this past semester. So I should be one happy Mom. But I'm not.
I lost may job in June and was unemployed until last month. Not a great job by any means, but it's a paycheck, but barely. And in this economy I guess I should be glad for that. But I hate this job.
I have very few friends, mostly by my own choice. Everyone I know is coupled in some form and hanging out with them just makes me sadder. They don't "get" my situation.
I have a very small, shabby house that needs so much work and no means to repair it.
And like so many people, my banks have slashed my credit balances and raised the interest rates on my cards. My checking account is being smacked with all kinds of new charges.
I have tried dating on and off for that past few years, but it's always disappointing. All the men I've met a players just looking to get laid. I'm never the "keeper".
I was in therapy until 2 years ago when my insurance didn't want to cover anymore visits and I couldn't afford to pay on my own. When I approached my therapist about my financial dilemma, she didn't offer any assistance or ideas. So much for the one person that I thought cared about my situation! My bad I guess. I'm on 10mg Lexapro daily with a side dose of Clonozapem for those really tough moments. Doesn't seem to work anymore.
I am tired all the time and realize this may be full blown depression. And yes, I have had suicidal thoughts recently. I think my kids would be better off financially if I was dead. They'll both graduate knee deep in debt with student loans and the proceeds from the sale of my house would more than pay for that and give them some cash left over. But I do know they'd rather have me alive than have the money. We all love each other so much. But I feel I've failed them big time financially.
But I am alone, broke(and getting poorer by the minute) and feel that this is it. This is all there is or will be.
I guess I'm looking for help.

Welcome to the board.
I am so sorry for your situation; it sounds really hopeless the way you describe it.
Thank you both for responding.
As far going to the local hospital, well, been there done that. It was horrible. I ended up in a ward with raging drunks and drug addicts most of which had to be restrained. They were screaming, some were crying. It was awful. I met with a very tired doctor. She asked me a few questions. I knew the "right" answers and that's what I gave her. I wanted to get out as quickly as possible. That's where you end up when your "poor".
And yes, I would love to go back to school. Who's paying the tuition???? I have a hard enough time qualifying for FAFSA for my kids. Also, I'm 54, so I'd be like 60+ when I graduate going part time. Gee, just in time to retire...hopefully. What would be the point? I need to make money now.
I came from a time when you could still make a respectable living without a degree. Some intelligence and a little perseverance could carry you far. But now there's all these 30 something, spoiled children, hiring managers who don't give a crap about that. They just want to see a degree. They don't recognize human value. I'd like to smack them all in the head and remind them that it's people like me that paved the way for them. Snotty brats.
And thanks for wanting me to keep posting, but you pretty much have the whole story.
I would love to be 22 again and have my whole life ahead of me. At 22 you have no idea the curves that life can throw you. And my kids are putting themselves through school too. I want to help, but can't. How do you think that makes me feel as a parent? Oh never mind. You never had kids, so how would you know?
And finding your passion is great when your bills are paid. Remember I still have 2 other people who depend on me for many things like health care. My oldest is diabetic and the youngest has asthma. I also have a mortgage, car payments, etc. Can't just toss it all to take up oil painting or some other asinine endeavor.
And depression is NOT a "pity pot" as you put it. It's serious. So again I'll attribute your ignorance, and lack of compassion, to your age.
Do me a favor and don't post in my thread.
Dear Startingover05,
I'm happy you understand that your children would rather have you here than the money from your house.