Feeling worse and worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Feeling worse and worse
9
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 7:15am

So my guy is still not talking to me. For whatever reason, he's still in his "dark place" over this girl he used to talk to on the internet who is supposedly dying. I think he's been spiraling towards a depression for a while now, and this girl contacting him did him in. I know it's not me - if he's having a major depressive episode, he can't pull himself out of it. But that sucks for me. The reason I think that's what's happening to him is that he told me he was pretty much withdrawing himself from every aspect of his life except going to work (and he only does that because he needs the money to pay his bills).

It's been over a week now, and the pain is just worse than ever. I can't stand it. I hate being at home. If I lived by myself, I would have an easier time...but it's not like I can even curl up in my bed and just lay there crying until I'm spent. I can't do that. My "bed" is in the corner of the living room at my mom's house, and I'm NEVER alone. My brother is ALWAYS there (he's disabled, can't work, and has no friends around here, and his "bed" is the living room couch). And when my mom is not working, she's home, and is always in the living room (it's a tiny apartment we live in). The only thing I can do is wait for my brother to sleep (if he sleeps...sometimes he goes for days on end without sleeping), then I go in the bathroom, close the door, turn on the vent fan to drown out the sound, and lay on the floor to cry.

I hate being at work. I can't stop crying when I'm there because being there reminds me of him (that's where we met). I hate it that Valentine's Day is here and my "valentine" isn't really my valentine right now. I hate it that my birthday is coming up. I told my mom I don't even want to celebrate it this year because I'm too sad.

And I REALLY hate it that my friend (not realizing how much this would upset me) was snooping on my ex's FB page and found out he's been engaged since 2 months after we broke up. (This is the ex I split with before I met my current b/f). Why she found it necessary to tell me, even knowing what I'm going through, is beyong me. When I basically said to her, "Why did you think I'd want to know that right now?" She was like, "Oh, I didn't think it was a big deal...I thought you were over him. I thought we could be 'anti-men' together." (She's going through some stuff with her b/f, too). I have asked her that if she insists on snooping on the FB pages of MY exes to at least keep her findings to herself. (Well, not in so many words). I just don't understand why she keeps snooping. She's been checking up on him ever since he and I broke up and periodically reporting her "findings" to me. I haven't asked her to stop until now. I don't have any desire to be with my ex whatsoever, but knowing he is engaged is a slap in the face, especially with how alone and heartbroken I feel right now.

Anyway...this depression over my split with my b/f is killing me. It's not even a complete split...everything's in limbo...I know I can and should just end it, but that's really not going to make me feel better (and he won't talk to me right now, anyway). I'm trying not to hold on to hope, but I just can't let go completely. It sucks. I love him so much. He's "the best I've ever had" and it's not fair that I didn't get to have him in my life long enough. If he was a jerk and I truly felt I was "better off without him," I would have such an easier time with this. No one has ever made me feel so desired, so wanted, so happy. Or so heartbroken. Everyone who saw us together said what we had was special. If I thought he was just another jerk, I'd just say "screw him." I hate it that I can't just pick up the pieces and move on.

I hate this.

Oh, and I can't go see a therapist because I neglected to sign up for mental health coverage on my insurance, and I certainly can't afford to pay out of my pocket for one. I could go through my EAP, but they usually only cover one visit, and that's really not going to help me.




Edited 2/10/2010 7:17 am ET by cameragirl78
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 8:11am
Dang, I'm having some serious mood swings here. I am feeling semi-okay right now (partly because I discovered the "breaking up is hard to do" board and have been reading articles that make me feel better). But, I'm sure I'll have some "moments" again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:15am

Is there any way you could find other living arrangements?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:34am

Getting out of here and finding my own place is on my list of "things I need to do." I currently work retail and only make $9.75/hour. After taxes and health insurance are deducted, I only take home about $1100-$1200/month (depending on if my hours at work get cut a little one week or another). I have a storage unit in another state that I still pay for which is $147/month (can't get rid of it because there are things in there that are irreplaceable such as pictures and my great-grandmother's china, plus a whole slew of other things I don't want to throw away). Pretty soon, I will be paying $50/month for taxes I owe. So right there, that takes my income down to $900/month if I estimate based on $1100/month. Rent around here is about $500-$600/month, and most places, no utilities are included. When all is said and done, it will leave me with next to no money for food, or to save for a car.

The only people I know of who are looking for roommates are 2 guys in their early 20's who are in the process of renting a house. But I don't have a car, so I can't live with them anyway (it's too far from my work so I couldn't walk/take the bus or a cab). Plus, I am not certain how responsible these 2 fellows are.

I really don't want to room with a stranger. Also, I live in a college town, so most of the people around here looking for roommates are students. I am almost 32...I really don't want roommates who are 20-something college students who are going to be throwing parties and bringing loud people over all the time.

So...my next option is to look for a second job. But it can't be retail because my work has a rule against it - pretty much any store is considered a "competitor." So, I will have to look into gas stations, restaurants, and staffing agencies where I can maybe work in an office a few mornings a week or something.

I do know that the relationship is likely over. It just hurts and stings and isn't fair. But, I feel like since we didn't "officially" break up, I feel like, what do I do? Do I text him and say it's over? I ended up having to break up with my last ex via voice mail because he was doing the same thing to me (only for different reasons). That didn't even hurt half as bad as this does. Ugh.

So...I guess I have to just try to move on and just not say anything to him. Which stinks. I don't want to completely close the door, y'know? But, I do deserve to be treated better. I don't know if he's actually seeing someone else...but I do think this all has to do with his feelings for this "internet ex-girlfriend." I don't understand why his loyalty is with her and not me. But I do think it's pretty crappy of him to not at least try to hold on until AFTER my birthday. Ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:41am
Oh...and I have been thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter. Tonight, there's an orientation for people who are interested in doing that. Unless I am too tired, I think I am going to go. That will keep me a little busier during my off time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:09am
I used to go to parks to cry. I would basically sit in my car and cry for an hour until I worked myself up to an anxiety attack.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:15am

I think volunteering at an animal shelter is a great idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:21am
Aubrey...I do that, too. I don't have my own car, but when I work, my mom lets me take hers. So the other day, since it was the only deserted parking lot I knew of, I pulled into the movie theater lot and started bawling until I couldn't cry anymore. Kind of messed up because being near the movie theater reminds me of him and our dates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:58am

Hi Cameragirl,


I'm so sorry you are feeling so low.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 11:07am

Thank you! I would LOVE to be able to go out for walks, but right now, it's just too cold/snowy/icy out. I don't mind being out in the cold if it's in the 20's and 30's and the sidewalks are clear...but in my area, no sidewalks ever get shoveled/plowed, and there is an inch of ice under the snow...so it's dangerous! And, it's been a LOT colder than 20's/30's...feels like single digits! And the wind (especially today) is just vicious. (I live in the Midwest).

But, I do work a physical job - I am an inventory control associate in the warehouse of the local Walmart, and I am constantly exercising. Sometimes, it eases my frustration a little to throw around big heavy cases of apple juice and canned goods. :-D

As a result of having this job, at least I've lost some weight. I'm happy about that. Over the past ten years, I have fluctuated between a size 16/17 and a size 12/14, at one point, I even fit in a pair of size 10 jeans. Didn't last long before I put the weight back on. But last week, I bought a pair of size 12 jeans for the first time in a few years, and they're actually too big!