Depression + breakup + birthday coming
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| Thu, 02-11-2010 - 1:10pm |
This is going to be kind of long, but since I don't have the option to go to a therapist right now, I just need to "talk" about it.
So as I've mentioned, I'm going through a break-up right now, and my birthday is coming up. The break-up is a different one than others I've had in that I didn't feel like the relationship was "over" already, so it was more painful than my last couple of them. (My last 3 break-ups were all relationships that had simply run their course and it was time to move on). This one, I was (am) still madly in love with the guy and was (am) not ready for it to be over, so it hurts a LOT more.
As some of you also know, I live in a tiny one-bedroom apt. with my mom and brother, who both have problems. The reason I am here is that almost two years ago, I had moved from my home state to another state to be with the guy I was dating at that time, who I thought I was going to marry. Things did not work out after nearly a year there, and I was not financially able to return to my home state, so I was forced to move in with my mom because I had no place else to go. No car, no money, no nothing except a couple of bags of clothes.
My brother was in a car accident almost two years ago, breaking his neck in 3 places. While he was fortunate that he was not paralyzed or killed, he is now permanently disabled and cannot work. Our father passed away 5 months after the accident, and the relatives who were caring for my brother in our home state could not continue to do so. So, he had to come here to live with my mom as well.
Her apartment is not meant for 3 adults to be living in it. It's got a bedroom and a living/kitchen area. My brother sleeps on a couch (which is not good for his neck). I sleep on an air bed next to the couch. My mom says I can sleep in her room, but I can't stand the sounds she makes in her sleep, plus, I work nights, she works days and she's a light sleeper - I don't want to have to be going in and out of her room when she's sleeping (on my nights off, I'm still up in the middle of the night, because that's what I'm used to).
It's a run-down complex in a not-so-great neighborhood. They both smoke inside, and I don't just mean an occasional cigarette. They chain smoke, one after another. As soon as the cigarette is gone, they light up another. My clothes and hair smell like an ash tray (even after I have just washed them). I am a non-smoker, and when I leave the house, I feel so self-conscious that the smoke is all people are going to smell on me. The walls are stained a yellowish gray-brown.
Mom is an alcoholic. On weekends, she'll bring home a case of beer and drink the whole thing by herself in 2 days. I can't STAND to hear her talk when she's drunk. She's a weepy drunk who likes to ruminate about my dead father (who, despite having divorced him ten years ago, she claims she is still in love with), her childhood problems, and grieve over her dead grandmother (who has been dead for over 30 years). She also likes to cry and wail about how she hopes we don't think she was a terrible mother, and that she hopes we realize how lucky we are that we didn't grow up with a mother like the mother she has. I am usually trying to sleep through this, but since I sleep in the living room...I often wake up to it. My brother resents me that I work at night and sleep during the day, and that I get to "escape."
He is a former alcoholic himself who is now disabled and simply can't drink like he used to due to the medications he's on for his injury. He shouldn't drink at all, but he still does occasionally, and when he gets drunk, he gets angry and nasty. Sometimes, he'll try to get up and walk and he almost falls over because he's not steady on his feet sober anymore (due to his injury), let alone when he's been drinking. He's mad at the world for everything that's happened to him. Sometimes I just can't take listening to him anymore.
My boyfriend was so understanding and comforting to me - he was my "escape" from this horrible nightmare I live in. I feel so angry that he has left me to fend for myself so he can focus on comforting another woman who may possibly be lying to him (the reason for our split is that he heard from an "ex" - a girl he only knows via the internet/telephone conversations - who is supposedly dying and needs him to be there for her to comfort her through her final days. The whole thing threw him into a depression of his own, so he has pushed away not only me, but other people in his life). I feel so hurt and betrayed and angry and sad, all at once.
I hate being at home on my nights off. All I do is get angry that I have to be in this dump, breathing in the thick smoke, dealing with my resentment towards my family, and thinking, "I shouldn't be here...two weeks ago, this night, I'd have been out with my boyfriend."
If I move out, I am going to be extremely financially strapped. I won't be able to keep getting my hair done like I do now. The ONE thing that makes me feel good about myself is my hair looking good. Last time I couldn't afford to keep up with my hair, I couldn't stand looking in the mirror - I felt so unattractive and unhappy.
I also wouldn't be able to afford cable or internet. So how would I pass my time?
I'm not even sure I can GET an apartment. Over the past ten years, I have been VERY bad with my money, and got into serious credit trouble. I have unpaid utilites from 5 years ago, an auto repossession from almost 4 years ago, and charged-off credit accounts, most of them from 6 years ago, but one of them is from just a year ago. I have no college degree so my job choices are limited. I have the ability to do jobs that pay better than what I am doing now, but because the economy is so bad, people with more experience at those things are competing for the same jobs, so I don't get considered.
These things make me hate myself even more, and make me feel like I'll never find a decent man who wants to stay in my life - a good man would find out about my financial problems and run for the hills! I think that's why I keep getting hurt - the types of guys who will put up with my shady past are guys who have issues themselves.
Despite all this, I STILL have problems paying the few bills I have on time because I keep trying to budget, but I always fail. I almost need someone to handle my money FOR me and to just give me an allowance. But that's not the right thing to do, either. I don't understand why I KNOW what I'm doing wrong, but continue to do it, despite the problems it has caused me.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this hell-hole forever. I just don't know what to do to move forward.
Oh...this brings me to the part about it being my birthday. My mom is getting all excited about it, and keeps cheerfully talking about it. I think I hurt her feelings the other day when I snapped at her and said, "I don't care about my birthday. It's not going to be a happy one this year, so I'd rather we just don't talk about it." I really hope she doesn't get me flowers like she usually does. The flowers will only remind me that I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Getting flowers from your mom when you're going through a break-up is just really sad to me. :-(
Edited 2/11/2010 1:14 pm ET by cameragirl78
Edited 2/11/2010 1:15 pm ET by cameragirl78

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dear cameragirl- i know we "talked" once before hence I learned that we are almost identical in age. I must ask, where do you live? i wonder if we're also geographically close so maybe we could actually chat in person. My heart really breaks for you. I probably can't offer much help with the depression but may be able to give you some pointers on how to manage your finances effectively. I may not be the expert in the field but I found some ways that work for me.
Would you consider being a live-in nanny? It is not a glamorous job but pays fairly well. Certainly better than retail. Some of my friends have done it and had some good experiences. For example, my one friend was a live in, received $450+/week in cash and free room and board. This is pretty standard pay in this area (East Coast) if you find an affluent family.
I have read all your posts and my heart goes out to you!
Aubrey...I used to live on the east coast. Now I'm in the Midwest. I'll be 32 on the 24th. I don't think I could handle being a nanny - while I enjoy being around kids sometimes, other times I do not. I live in a kind of "poor" area, so I don't think there's much of a demand for nannies, anyway. I dunno, the whole idea makes me a little uncomfortable, despite the money!
Sunset...they know how much the smoke bothers me, but they're chain smokers. For them to smoke outside, they'd literally have to be sitting outside all the time. They smoke CONSTANTLY. Light one up, smoke it, two minutes later, light up another one. They probably both smoke 2 packs a day or more.
My brother is leaving to go back to the east coast for a while on Monday. This will make things slightly better for me. At least while my mom's at work, I will have some privacy to cry.
My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. I'm having a hard time letting go even though I should. He's just so deep in my heart that I can't get him out of there. The other day, a lady at work saw him come in. She's been his friend for a long time (they worked at a different store together). She called out his name (she didn't know what was going on with him), and he looked up, then turned away with his head down. So...I definitely think this is something that goes much deeper than just his wanting a break from me. I think he's deeply depressed and pushing everyone away. Now, I am terrified he will try to harm himself and if something happens to him, I won't have any way of knowing because I don't know his family (he was a little spooked about introducing me to them, and I was only ready to meet them fairly recently due to my own "spooked"-ness...it just hadn't happened yet). Again...I know I shouldn't care.
The hurt is worse every day. I miss him so badly. My heart aches. I am constantly replaying our dates, when we met, how sweet he was to me all the time (up until this happened), how comforting he was to me when I was either sick or sad...and of course, then my heartache turns to missing my dad (who passed away a year ago). If my dad were still alive, I'd be turning to him for comfort through this.
Every day, I am crying more and more. The part of my forehead between my eyebrows is sore from all the crying. I miss him so badly. I feel like I NEED him. I have NEVER had feelings for anyone that were this strong (and I've had plenty of dating experience!). I really thought this was the real deal (until this all happened). It just isn't fair. And I know I can't do anything to help him...but I'm worried SICK about him. Absolutely sick.
Hey, cameragirl78 - Not one of my best ideas, but:
Do you think you could call him and tell him you miss him and that you are worried about him?
Deb, I know this is awful to even think of...but so help me, if I end up getting lung cancer, I am going to put on the guilt trip and say, "I hope every puff was worth it!!!" Ugh.
My brother has gone back east for a while, so at least during the day when my mom's at work, I don't have to breathe in smoke. Her answer to it bothering me is to open her bedroom window. Well, opening her bedroom window doesn't really do much good when they smoke in the living room! Plus, it's COLD out. All she's doing is making the air colder, not less smoky. My mom is strange.
Sunset,
I did text him last week and said:
"I am trying to leave you alone because I think that's what you want, but I wanted to let you know I hope you are doing okay. Miss you terribly." And I left it at that. He never wrote back. If I call him, I doubt he'd even pick up the phone.
I'm feeling a bit less depressed as the days go on without hearing from him...but I don't know if it's A. I'm just moving through the process, or B. I'm getting over "that time of the month," and I'm finding that since I've stopped taking antidepressants and the pill, my depression worsens for about 2 weeks each month (usually starts building and building and building, then I hit a "low point" and start to come back up).
I just have to trust that if it's meant to be, we'll find our way back to each other. One thing that upsets me is that certain people are trying to convince me that he simply made all this up just to get rid of me. While I do think maybe he needed some space from me, I do not think he would make up a story that someone is DYING just to get rid of me. He had a perfect excuse handy: all he would have had to do is say, "I want to focus on getting in shape so I can qualify to join the military." I know that despite how he is treating me right now, he does have a certain "moral code" and he would simply not use a story about someone dying. Maybe I'm just a fool. But his story sort of checks out - the lady from my work that knew him before I did told me she remembers when he was talking to this girl and that she was sick then. I guess he used to confide in this woman that his "girlfriend" had cancer and he was worried that someday she was going to die. And while I know that an online relationship isn't "real," I do remember there was a time that I didn't realize that and I used to carry on with guys I'd met online and think I was "in love" with them...until I found the message boards on here and realized that's just not how it works. So, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he's just lying to me. But these people are going so far as to say he was making the story up back then, too! And one guy even went so far as to say, "I bet it's a girl from around here that he knows that he's seeing behind your back." Again...I really don't believe that. I could be wrong. But that's not what my gut is telling me.
These same people are also telling me he's a jerk, and that I deserve better and that I shouldn't even give him the time of day. Now, while I do agree that I deserve to be treated better than this, if I really believed he was being malicious to me, I would just consider him out of my life for good. But I truly feel that he's going through something he's having a hard time handling. If he IS in a depression that's that severe, he can't help it any more than he could help it if he had another type of medical condition. And there's not much I can do about it except try my best to just keep living my life, hard as it is sometimes.
Of course, these people at work have put these doubts in my head now, and now I am worried that I'm just being a fool and that's he's fine. I even asked them, "Then why would he snub his friend, too?" Their answer? "Because he knows that it's possible she may have talked to you, so of COURSE he isn't going to speak to anyone who has a connection with you still." I don't believe that...I just know I could see the pain and grief on his face and in his eyes, and I know something just wasn't right with him when all this went down.
Anyway, maybe I'm just an idiot. We shall see.
What I plan to do is keep working on me. I want to keep losing even more weight (I'm not sure how much I've lost, but I'm down to a size 12 from a 16), try and do the best job at work I can do, and try to work on some of my issues. Since I can't afford a therapist right now, I think one thing I could do is start going to the library regularly and spend some time reading some self-help books.
Thinking back about some things, I really do think he's suffering from depression. I never thought of it before now...but over the past few months, he often spoke of having headaches, not sleeping well, generally "not feeling well" with no real cause, always tired, exhausted even...then, when he talked to this girl from his past and found out the rather depressing news...I really do think it just pushed him over the edge.
Anyway, I know there's nothing I can do about it if he continues to shut me out of his life. And I know I shouldn't just leave myself hanging. But it's so hard not to think of him/worry about him/want to help him even though I can't. I know I can't fix him or make him fix himself, and I really don't want to keep pushing him. I guess I have to just keep taking it one day at a time and keep living my life and be open to the possibilities.
cameragirl78,
I really hope that soon you will find happiness either with him/ or without him.
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