Depression + breakup + birthday coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Depression + breakup + birthday coming
17
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 1:10pm

This is going to be kind of long, but since I don't have the option to go to a therapist right now, I just need to "talk" about it.

So as I've mentioned, I'm going through a break-up right now, and my birthday is coming up. The break-up is a different one than others I've had in that I didn't feel like the relationship was "over" already, so it was more painful than my last couple of them. (My last 3 break-ups were all relationships that had simply run their course and it was time to move on). This one, I was (am) still madly in love with the guy and was (am) not ready for it to be over, so it hurts a LOT more.

As some of you also know, I live in a tiny one-bedroom apt. with my mom and brother, who both have problems. The reason I am here is that almost two years ago, I had moved from my home state to another state to be with the guy I was dating at that time, who I thought I was going to marry. Things did not work out after nearly a year there, and I was not financially able to return to my home state, so I was forced to move in with my mom because I had no place else to go. No car, no money, no nothing except a couple of bags of clothes.

My brother was in a car accident almost two years ago, breaking his neck in 3 places. While he was fortunate that he was not paralyzed or killed, he is now permanently disabled and cannot work. Our father passed away 5 months after the accident, and the relatives who were caring for my brother in our home state could not continue to do so. So, he had to come here to live with my mom as well.

Her apartment is not meant for 3 adults to be living in it. It's got a bedroom and a living/kitchen area. My brother sleeps on a couch (which is not good for his neck). I sleep on an air bed next to the couch. My mom says I can sleep in her room, but I can't stand the sounds she makes in her sleep, plus, I work nights, she works days and she's a light sleeper - I don't want to have to be going in and out of her room when she's sleeping (on my nights off, I'm still up in the middle of the night, because that's what I'm used to).

It's a run-down complex in a not-so-great neighborhood. They both smoke inside, and I don't just mean an occasional cigarette. They chain smoke, one after another. As soon as the cigarette is gone, they light up another. My clothes and hair smell like an ash tray (even after I have just washed them). I am a non-smoker, and when I leave the house, I feel so self-conscious that the smoke is all people are going to smell on me. The walls are stained a yellowish gray-brown.

Mom is an alcoholic. On weekends, she'll bring home a case of beer and drink the whole thing by herself in 2 days. I can't STAND to hear her talk when she's drunk. She's a weepy drunk who likes to ruminate about my dead father (who, despite having divorced him ten years ago, she claims she is still in love with), her childhood problems, and grieve over her dead grandmother (who has been dead for over 30 years). She also likes to cry and wail about how she hopes we don't think she was a terrible mother, and that she hopes we realize how lucky we are that we didn't grow up with a mother like the mother she has. I am usually trying to sleep through this, but since I sleep in the living room...I often wake up to it. My brother resents me that I work at night and sleep during the day, and that I get to "escape."

He is a former alcoholic himself who is now disabled and simply can't drink like he used to due to the medications he's on for his injury. He shouldn't drink at all, but he still does occasionally, and when he gets drunk, he gets angry and nasty. Sometimes, he'll try to get up and walk and he almost falls over because he's not steady on his feet sober anymore (due to his injury), let alone when he's been drinking. He's mad at the world for everything that's happened to him. Sometimes I just can't take listening to him anymore.

My boyfriend was so understanding and comforting to me - he was my "escape" from this horrible nightmare I live in. I feel so angry that he has left me to fend for myself so he can focus on comforting another woman who may possibly be lying to him (the reason for our split is that he heard from an "ex" - a girl he only knows via the internet/telephone conversations - who is supposedly dying and needs him to be there for her to comfort her through her final days. The whole thing threw him into a depression of his own, so he has pushed away not only me, but other people in his life). I feel so hurt and betrayed and angry and sad, all at once.

I hate being at home on my nights off. All I do is get angry that I have to be in this dump, breathing in the thick smoke, dealing with my resentment towards my family, and thinking, "I shouldn't be here...two weeks ago, this night, I'd have been out with my boyfriend."

If I move out, I am going to be extremely financially strapped. I won't be able to keep getting my hair done like I do now. The ONE thing that makes me feel good about myself is my hair looking good. Last time I couldn't afford to keep up with my hair, I couldn't stand looking in the mirror - I felt so unattractive and unhappy.

I also wouldn't be able to afford cable or internet. So how would I pass my time?

I'm not even sure I can GET an apartment. Over the past ten years, I have been VERY bad with my money, and got into serious credit trouble. I have unpaid utilites from 5 years ago, an auto repossession from almost 4 years ago, and charged-off credit accounts, most of them from 6 years ago, but one of them is from just a year ago. I have no college degree so my job choices are limited. I have the ability to do jobs that pay better than what I am doing now, but because the economy is so bad, people with more experience at those things are competing for the same jobs, so I don't get considered.

These things make me hate myself even more, and make me feel like I'll never find a decent man who wants to stay in my life - a good man would find out about my financial problems and run for the hills! I think that's why I keep getting hurt - the types of guys who will put up with my shady past are guys who have issues themselves.

Despite all this, I STILL have problems paying the few bills I have on time because I keep trying to budget, but I always fail. I almost need someone to handle my money FOR me and to just give me an allowance. But that's not the right thing to do, either. I don't understand why I KNOW what I'm doing wrong, but continue to do it, despite the problems it has caused me.

I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this hell-hole forever. I just don't know what to do to move forward.

Oh...this brings me to the part about it being my birthday. My mom is getting all excited about it, and keeps cheerfully talking about it. I think I hurt her feelings the other day when I snapped at her and said, "I don't care about my birthday. It's not going to be a happy one this year, so I'd rather we just don't talk about it." I really hope she doesn't get me flowers like she usually does. The flowers will only remind me that I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Getting flowers from your mom when you're going through a break-up is just really sad to me. :-(

Edited 2/11/2010 1:14 pm ET by cameragirl78




Edited 2/11/2010 1:15 pm ET by cameragirl78

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 1:08pm

How are you doing?????


When is your birthday?


Hope you are okay.

pink sunset
siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:52pm
Well, I've been feeling much better. I really think my depression worsens then lessens depending on hormones. I happened to meet a friend of a friend, too, and, well...I started thinking, "Wow, he's really cute and nice..." So, while I am not looking to "replace" one relationship with another, I am realizing that I can't make anyone want to be with me, and that I shouldn't just "wait" on someone to "come around." So...I am just trying to keep my options open and get on with my life. My birthday is Wednesday. Thanks for checking up on me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:08am
And...we're a little down again today. Knowing my birthday is tomorrow is just really making me sad today. Ugh. Up and down, up and down...it goes on and on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:17am

It sounds like your plan to keep getting healthy and do well at work is exactly what you need to be doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 12:02pm

As it happens, there IS someone new for me to have a crush on. ;-) Not going to try to rush into anything, but he's a friend of one of my work friends. I met him the night after my latest "ex" told me he needed a "break." The outing was planned a couple weeks in advance. My work friend was just bringing his guy friend for a ride (my work friend doesn't have a car). I thought he was cute that night, but I was too upset over the split to really do much about it. But, the 3 of us went out again last week, and by then, I was feeling better and stronger and more willing to try and "move on." So, I flirted with him all night and by the end of the night, he was kissing me a little. Still trying to just go with the flow and see what happens. Saw him again today briefly when he stopped in to where me and my friend work (my friend was getting a ride home from him). We're all supposed to go out again next week.

This guy has a lot more in common with me. And he's cuter, too! But, we'll see. Just gotta take it slow. After all, I don't want to scare the new guy off. I look back now and see that I made a lot of "mistakes" in my past relationship. I think this time, I need to just cool it and not smother. It's funny; I really didn't think I was smothering my ex...but I think maybe I was a little bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 12:26pm

I know what you mean about up and down .... up and down!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 1:24pm
It's so hard. I thought maybe I was going "down" this morning...but after just a very brief tearful spell (in which tears never really fell; they just kind of welled up), I was okay.

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