Where do I go? What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2010
Where do I go? What do I do?
3
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 5:31pm

I have been told that I live a life that most people would love. My husband works enough that we can have a home in the burbs, 3 kids, and I stay home. He is loving and caring and asks very little of me except that I keep our home a certain way and take care of the kids. The catch is I am starting to believe he is not actually in love with me. There are so many things swirling through my head. My family disowned me for marrying him as he is older and of another race. I was the golden child- first to graduate college- law school and the told me I was the bane of their existence and shame on the family name. I was pregnant with my first when we go married and I wonder if he would have ever married me otherwise.

I gave up law school and stayed home- 6 years later, i am still home with three kids. I am lonely and friendless. I wonder why I can't do things normal people do- i hate cleaning, I get tired of the kids by midday. I want to crawl in a corner most days and never look up. Lately I have starting crying at the drop of a hat. I cry in the car, dropping the kids to school, I cry when I go to bed thinking of what might have been or what I am not doing. I am lost. I no longer recognize the woman in the mirror- a woman...i was barely one when I had number one...now I will be 30 and I still don't know the person in the mirror. I can't tell you my favorite movie or food...i can tell you everyone else's though. I brought this to my DH attention and he called me ungrateful and crazy. Am i...I must be...why do I want more..why can't i get used to staying within these walls? I can't stand the PTA crew that rules our little town. I miss the city. I miss going dancing or museums or just the life of the city. I miss me and I can't find her.

I respect moms that stay home, i do. If you love it, god bless ya...but I used to believe there was more for me- like I was meant to do something. Now I just feel isolated and stupid. my brain is dying..i feel it.

The suicidal thought dance in the background, but I know I could never. I am just lost?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 9:25am

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.


As a stay at home parent, I think it's easy to get lost in the shuffle of caring for kids, caring for a husband, meeting everyone's needs but your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 12:16pm

I agree that you should talk to your husband again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 12:18pm

(((Hugs))).

mo 7-18-10