Kinda hitting rock bottom....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Kinda hitting rock bottom....
2
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 8:12pm

I don't feel very in control of my life right now. My history is long and sad...although I am not one to wallow in self pity. When I see what other people deal with in their lives - I realize I should count my blessings....however....

I am on a second marriage - married just 2 years. Soon after we married my husband became extremely abusive. Not just verbally but physically as well. I have tried to talk to his family about this - they aren't too responsive. I guess my pride gets in the way of admitting to anyone that I made a big mistake. Note: to date he has not shown any of that to my children - he is extremely loving and affectionate with them. I have 3 boys.

I think at this point, based off of what I have read, I am suffering to some degree from PTSD. I have had severe anxiety attacks that have had doctors admit me to the hospital due to high BP. I have hives all over my arms and legs and most days don't have much ambition to get out of bed. I have gained about 20lbs. My husband has no interest in intimacy with me. I don't see my friends or family and don't enjoy doing what I used to do. I have also been drinking quite a bit. Mostly at night - just when he gets home and spends the evening telling me how much of a loser I am.

I know that the most selfish thing I could do is end my life because my children would be devastated - but I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have changed in every way shape and form for him - and it's never enough. Everything that goes wrong in his life is automatically my fault. I have many many friends - lucky that when I moved to a new city for him I created a wonderful group of people who understand me and the situation. I get so envious of their relationships - that was all I ever wanted and I know I will never have that with him.

He tells me that I need help - and it's not his fault. I went to my primary MD and he put me on Zoloft. Honestly, it made me feel worse. Too low of a does maybe .25mg??? I am in somewhat of a rural area where access to psychiatrists is challenging. I know I need something stronger.

Anybody have ideas on how to get myself out of this funk? I just want my life back. Leaving him will be complicated - and I have to be very careful and STRONG - he is vindictive and I want to make sure I protect my interests and those of my children. I am not strong enough right now to do anything...at all. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 9:19am

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.


I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 12:24pm

(((Hugs))), I can tell you from experience that mixing antidepressants with alcohol doesn't work.

mo 7-18-10