Kinda hitting rock bottom....
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| Thu, 02-11-2010 - 8:12pm |
I don't feel very in control of my life right now. My history is long and sad...although I am not one to wallow in self pity. When I see what other people deal with in their lives - I realize I should count my blessings....however....
I am on a second marriage - married just 2 years. Soon after we married my husband became extremely abusive. Not just verbally but physically as well. I have tried to talk to his family about this - they aren't too responsive. I guess my pride gets in the way of admitting to anyone that I made a big mistake. Note: to date he has not shown any of that to my children - he is extremely loving and affectionate with them. I have 3 boys.
I think at this point, based off of what I have read, I am suffering to some degree from PTSD. I have had severe anxiety attacks that have had doctors admit me to the hospital due to high BP. I have hives all over my arms and legs and most days don't have much ambition to get out of bed. I have gained about 20lbs. My husband has no interest in intimacy with me. I don't see my friends or family and don't enjoy doing what I used to do. I have also been drinking quite a bit. Mostly at night - just when he gets home and spends the evening telling me how much of a loser I am.
I know that the most selfish thing I could do is end my life because my children would be devastated - but I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have changed in every way shape and form for him - and it's never enough. Everything that goes wrong in his life is automatically my fault. I have many many friends - lucky that when I moved to a new city for him I created a wonderful group of people who understand me and the situation. I get so envious of their relationships - that was all I ever wanted and I know I will never have that with him.
He tells me that I need help - and it's not his fault. I went to my primary MD and he put me on Zoloft. Honestly, it made me feel worse. Too low of a does maybe .25mg??? I am in somewhat of a rural area where access to psychiatrists is challenging. I know I need something stronger.
Anybody have ideas on how to get myself out of this funk? I just want my life back. Leaving him will be complicated - and I have to be very careful and STRONG - he is vindictive and I want to make sure I protect my interests and those of my children. I am not strong enough right now to do anything...at all. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much!

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
(((Hugs))), I can tell you from experience that mixing antidepressants with alcohol doesn't work.