Depressed and frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Depressed and frustrated
15
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:28pm

For once I recognize that I may actually be depressed. After searching for a job for months, I finally landed my first job as an attorney (I am newly admitted to the Bar). I should be happy. I was until I started. I kept seeing red flags about this job but took it anyway b/c it's at least a job and I'm getting experience and of course, a paycheck to pay off the loans. Red flags include pressured to interview on a Saturday, offered the job on the spot, and she fired both of her attorneys before hiring me. Now I've been there for two weeks and she's thrown work at me non-stop with no guidance or training of any kind. I've literally been left to sink or swim. Then she's yelled at me everyday for mistakes I've made and she's frustrated that I don't really know the law in the practice area. But then she acknowledges to the staff behind my back that I have done a good job on some things and that she does understand that there's going to be a learning curve and that law school doesn't teach us the law in this practice area. Apparently, the guy she "hired" after me is not getting paid. I am. He shared with me that it seems she's "testing" me, him, and the third person she hired and that by April, she's going to decide to keep 1 out of the 3 of us. How much do I want to bet that if I don't quit or get fired this week, that she'll fire me after the 2nd attorney comes back from vacation?


Thursday was the straw that broke the camel's back. She yelled at me for putting the wrong names on a document and said I don't have/use common sense. It turned out that she was the one who didn't know the case b/c after double checking my information, I was able to prove to her why I was right. Then, b/c of the inclement weather (I live in NJ, we just had our 3rd storm in a matter of weeks), I asked her about what work I could bring home. Her reaction? "Well, I can't give you a sick day after only 4 days." That's not what I asked her. I wanted to WORK knowing full well I could NOT get paid. I just didn't want to fall behind in the work even if I couldn't get there. I think most employers would be appreciative of a new employee taking interest and showing willingness to work even without getting paid for the day. I think most employers would appreciate that an employee would be willing to find an alternative way of getting to work during inclement weather. Instead of driving, I took the train and bus just to get to work b/c I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to make it home safely during the evening commute.


Then yesterday, after I warned her Thursday that I would probably be snowed in as I live on a dead end street and the plows come late, she called me at 8 a.m. to tell me she was in the office and asked about my thoughts of making it in. I told very truthfully that my street wasn't plowed and I didn't have a 4-wheel drive vehicle. I couldn't even take the train/bus b/c bus service was suspended. She told me that the plows would probably come in an hour. Actually, they didn't come until about noon! I didn't even get to tell her I'd be willing to come in today. She hung up on me before I got that chance by just saying, "okay, I don't want to spent too much time talking about this."


I'm so terrified that she'll call me tomorrow and tell me that's she has decided to let me go after only two weeks b/c I'm commuting too far from her (she prefers local people yet still hired me knowing full well where I lived). Perhaps it's best that way. This isn't going to work out with her unrealistic high expectations, no support or training thus far, and a lousy commute.


The real problem for me is that I should have been able to drive yesterday after it cleared up and I dug out the snow. But I couldn't b/c driving in the dark is problematic with my vision issues (not really a big problem, just poor depth perception/extreme near-sightedness). I'm starting to feel that not only should I have not taken this job but also that I can't work in this state. I need to move to a city (NYC, Philly, or my choice - D.C.) where I can work and live. I'm starting to wonder if I should just resign from the Bar in my state. How am I supposed to function as a lawyer if I can't drive everywhere throughout the state to the various courthouses and to firms in the suburbs?  Maybe God is telling me that I need to go in a different direction - law-related but not work as a lawyer? Let's face it, the reading is demanding on the eyes and proofreading errors will happen easily. I love the law, it's so interesting to me. But maybe it's time to consider that this isn't the right path for me. I feel like a failure for throwing in the towel b/c I haven't even really practiced yet and I've been licensed for only about 3 months. Plus, I have all those loans to pay off. Why would God let me get through law school and pass the Bar and get licensed and then give me a job like this?


I can't believe I'm 29 in exactly two weeks and I might be unemployed at that time. I had so many dreams and plans for my future and now I'm starting to accept that they'll never come true. I always thought I'd have a career, a decent job, get married, have a family, and own my own place someday. At 29, I can't believe that I might have no job, still living at home with my parents, no boyfriend, no place of my own. I feel like a complete failure. People younger than me have steady jobs, are getting married, buying houses. I literally have no reason to celebrate my birthday in a couple of weeks and no one to celebrate it with (all my friends are engaged or married and it's hard to meet other singles when your parents don't let you drive). All those stupid fortune tellers in college that said I'd have 3 children (seriously, each one made that prediction and did not predict anything else) were wrong. How is that ever going to happen when I'm almost 29 and am still single and while I've gone out with people, things NEVER work? I've never gotten past a first date. OLD has been a waste of time- each time people express interest in me, I accept, and then they cancel their interest. It's like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve to be happy and to find love.


I know my Dad says that my twin sister doesn't have the vision issues that I have but I'm so envious that she has EVERYTHING I want! She's had a steady job for the past two years, lives in her own apt in Philly, has tons of friends, and has a serious boyfriend. I'm happy for her b/c I know she struggled with grad school. But I feel bad that I have none of those things. As long as I live at home, I'm never going to have those things. My parents are just so terrified of me driving (to be fair, I have been involved in a few accidents) that they never really let me. How am I supposed to work, meet people, make friends, date if I can't even drive anywhere other than locally?


I've never asked "why me" in terms of my vision issues. In some ways, it's been a blessing. But for the first time ever, I've run out of optimism. I feel hopeless and pessimistic about my life. I feel like there's no point in living. At least not here. I need to leave. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head but living at home is holding me back from being independent.


I'm well aware that so many people have problems worse than mine and I'm thankful not to have cancer or other serious illnesses and that I'm not homeless. But for the first time ever, it doesn't make me feel better to know that others have it worse than me. I'm just tired and frustrated that I can't ever seem to catch a break. I just want one year where life is somewhat progressing. 2010 does not seem like that. It could have been but this job is clearly not going to work. Without another job lined up, I can't quit (although, she probably is going to fire me this week). I can't move without a job lined up or money saved up (that's why I took this job in the first place). I'm 30 in a year and everything I've wanted to achieve by the time I'm 30 is never going to be achieved. I'm just so depressed.


The kicker is that even if I get to stay in this job for 3 months, my health insurance is crappy, expensive, and until I get it, I can't even see a doctor and get back on an anti-depressant (I took celexa a few years ago)! What's a girl to do? I guess I can seek assistance from lawyers assistance since I am a lawyer and have free access to them.  I keep asking God why He keeps me alive. What's the point in letting me live if I have no job, no place of my own, no SO when everyone else has at least one of these things? This is torture. I feel pathetic and like a failure in so many ways.


TIA for reading...it's been a rough two weeks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 5:36pm

Ending your life is not an option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 5:48pm

Benilaw:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 2:57pm

Welcome to the board, I am glad you posted!!!!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 7:21pm

I know ending my life is not the solution (though lately I have thought of it)...I'm a twin and that would be the most selfish thing. Even though she has her boyfriend and tons of friends...they can't take my place.


I would like to move to a city...it would alleviate the driving issue, that's for sure. But I need to have money saved up first. That can't happen unless I have a job. That's why I'd like to keep this job for as long as I can. But I think it would be better to quit before she fires me even if I don't have another job lined up. I'd rather not have a termination on my employment record...especially if I continue to work as an attorney in this state. Though the legal field is saturated here it's a very small community in some ways. I hate the commute but it's worth it if I'm happy, learning stuff, and the environment isn't toxic. That is not the case here.


This job is depressing me for sure but even I realize that I'm not depressed just b/c of this job. Heck, before, I was depressed b/c I did not have a job. No, the root source of my depression is the fact that I'm 29 in 13 days and I literally have no reason to celebrate. No job (I expect her to fire me with her "zero tolerance" for mistakes), living at home, still single, etc.


Yes, I am grateful for having my license (and tell myself that everyday) to practice and I know it's a huge accomplishment. I'm even grateful to have a roof over my head (despite feeling like a burden and a failure). I'm mighty thankful that my lender granted me my deferment (but I was planning on using this job to make a major dent on the loans).


I'm just trying to figure out what all of this means. I firmly believe that things always happen for a reason and I thought this job was supposed to give me the chance to finally DRIVE to work and go on the highways by myself, etc. Of course Dad hasn't let me even though he said he would.


Maybe this is meant to be so that I'm free to go to D.C. to visit my best friend there. God knows I need to get away. I just feel so lost right now. Maybe I shouldn't live in my state. I'm just not sure about anything other than I can't stay at this job (and probably won't last past this week). I think I'm just going to quit tomorrow before she fires me. Then, I can be free to get counseling for free from lawyers assistance this week and then maybe go to DC at the end of the week. God knows, I do need to talk to someone in a professional capacity and LAP is a good resource for us lawyers. God knows that without a day off, I can't do that and this is vital for my well-being and for my professional reputation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 12:27pm

Benilaw,


It is good to hear that you don't plan to end your life, THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING!!!

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 3:10pm
Please know that your local Lawyers Assistance Program is available to assist you. Although we don't know where you are located, you can certainly call us and we can get you in touch with the program in your area. You are not alone.
Noreen
New Jersey Lawyers Assistance Program
1-800-246-5527
www.njlap.org
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 9:35pm

@ Heidi:


Wow, really? Yes, a visual impairment is what makes driving challenging and is most def the root cause of my depression. Not to mention that I guess I am still very traumatized by past accidents including the one from last year (all caused by me and my inabilty to accurately judge distances all the time). But I'm noticing that vision issues affect work performance as well (proofreading is not always easy) and that's not good for my career.


I did quit the job today for so many reasons including the commute. Until I can comfortably drive to the suburbs and not rely solely or mostly on public transportation, I can't work in the suburbs. That is the takeway lesson from this experience.


@ njlap (Noreen):


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 12:51pm

Feel free to email me.

siggy waterfall
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 6:01pm

@ Heidi,


thanks I sent you an email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 1:26pm

I would quit before she has the chance to fire you.

Then you won't have that on your record.

You are very intelligent and intuitive, which is why you were totally getting who/what she was all about during the interview.

My daughter graduated law school., took a job with the same type person/stress you are talking about, just to get experience. Big mistake. It began affecting her health. She started each morning by throwing up.

I finally said, "Enough, you can't do this anymore." I helped her rent an office that two other lawyers had available and told her to go with real estate law (Much less stress then other law fields) She said, "I don't know anything about real estate law."

So, I hired an experienced Real Estate legal secretary, printed out business cards and we visited every mortgage company and Realtor in town. That was 8 years ago. She is $$$$loaded now. Owns a big house, her own offices, and other property, and she has never looked back. Oh, and some of the other lawyers in town were happy to help her when she called them with questions when she first started.

You are 29 with an excellent education and people who dearly love you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You just have the jitters/doubts everyone has starting out. Even the most successful people in the world have had set backs.

You, my dear, are going to have a great life!!!!

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