Depressed and frustrated
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| Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:28pm |
For once I recognize that I may actually be depressed. After searching for a job for months, I finally landed my first job as an attorney (I am newly admitted to the Bar). I should be happy. I was until I started. I kept seeing red flags about this job but took it anyway b/c it's at least a job and I'm getting experience and of course, a paycheck to pay off the loans. Red flags include pressured to interview on a Saturday, offered the job on the spot, and she fired both of her attorneys before hiring me. Now I've been there for two weeks and she's thrown work at me non-stop with no guidance or training of any kind. I've literally been left to sink or swim. Then she's yelled at me everyday for mistakes I've made and she's frustrated that I don't really know the law in the practice area. But then she acknowledges to the staff behind my back that I have done a good job on some things and that she does understand that there's going to be a learning curve and that law school doesn't teach us the law in this practice area. Apparently, the guy she "hired" after me is not getting paid. I am. He shared with me that it seems she's "testing" me, him, and the third person she hired and that by April, she's going to decide to keep 1 out of the 3 of us. How much do I want to bet that if I don't quit or get fired this week, that she'll fire me after the 2nd attorney comes back from vacation?
Thursday was the straw that broke the camel's back. She yelled at me for putting the wrong names on a document and said I don't have/use common sense. It turned out that she was the one who didn't know the case b/c after double checking my information, I was able to prove to her why I was right. Then, b/c of the inclement weather (I live in NJ, we just had our 3rd storm in a matter of weeks), I asked her about what work I could bring home. Her reaction? "Well, I can't give you a sick day after only 4 days." That's not what I asked her. I wanted to WORK knowing full well I could NOT get paid. I just didn't want to fall behind in the work even if I couldn't get there. I think most employers would be appreciative of a new employee taking interest and showing willingness to work even without getting paid for the day. I think most employers would appreciate that an employee would be willing to find an alternative way of getting to work during inclement weather. Instead of driving, I took the train and bus just to get to work b/c I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to make it home safely during the evening commute.
Then yesterday, after I warned her Thursday that I would probably be snowed in as I live on a dead end street and the plows come late, she called me at 8 a.m. to tell me she was in the office and asked about my thoughts of making it in. I told very truthfully that my street wasn't plowed and I didn't have a 4-wheel drive vehicle. I couldn't even take the train/bus b/c bus service was suspended. She told me that the plows would probably come in an hour. Actually, they didn't come until about noon! I didn't even get to tell her I'd be willing to come in today. She hung up on me before I got that chance by just saying, "okay, I don't want to spent too much time talking about this."
I'm so terrified that she'll call me tomorrow and tell me that's she has decided to let me go after only two weeks b/c I'm commuting too far from her (she prefers local people yet still hired me knowing full well where I lived). Perhaps it's best that way. This isn't going to work out with her unrealistic high expectations, no support or training thus far, and a lousy commute.
The real problem for me is that I should have been able to drive yesterday after it cleared up and I dug out the snow. But I couldn't b/c driving in the dark is problematic with my vision issues (not really a big problem, just poor depth perception/extreme near-sightedness). I'm starting to feel that not only should I have not taken this job but also that I can't work in this state. I need to move to a city (NYC, Philly, or my choice - D.C.) where I can work and live. I'm starting to wonder if I should just resign from the Bar in my state. How am I supposed to function as a lawyer if I can't drive everywhere throughout the state to the various courthouses and to firms in the suburbs? Maybe God is telling me that I need to go in a different direction - law-related but not work as a lawyer? Let's face it, the reading is demanding on the eyes and proofreading errors will happen easily. I love the law, it's so interesting to me. But maybe it's time to consider that this isn't the right path for me. I feel like a failure for throwing in the towel b/c I haven't even really practiced yet and I've been licensed for only about 3 months. Plus, I have all those loans to pay off. Why would God let me get through law school and pass the Bar and get licensed and then give me a job like this?
I can't believe I'm 29 in exactly two weeks and I might be unemployed at that time. I had so many dreams and plans for my future and now I'm starting to accept that they'll never come true. I always thought I'd have a career, a decent job, get married, have a family, and own my own place someday. At 29, I can't believe that I might have no job, still living at home with my parents, no boyfriend, no place of my own. I feel like a complete failure. People younger than me have steady jobs, are getting married, buying houses. I literally have no reason to celebrate my birthday in a couple of weeks and no one to celebrate it with (all my friends are engaged or married and it's hard to meet other singles when your parents don't let you drive). All those stupid fortune tellers in college that said I'd have 3 children (seriously, each one made that prediction and did not predict anything else) were wrong. How is that ever going to happen when I'm almost 29 and am still single and while I've gone out with people, things NEVER work? I've never gotten past a first date. OLD has been a waste of time- each time people express interest in me, I accept, and then they cancel their interest. It's like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve to be happy and to find love.
I know my Dad says that my twin sister doesn't have the vision issues that I have but I'm so envious that she has EVERYTHING I want! She's had a steady job for the past two years, lives in her own apt in Philly, has tons of friends, and has a serious boyfriend. I'm happy for her b/c I know she struggled with grad school. But I feel bad that I have none of those things. As long as I live at home, I'm never going to have those things. My parents are just so terrified of me driving (to be fair, I have been involved in a few accidents) that they never really let me. How am I supposed to work, meet people, make friends, date if I can't even drive anywhere other than locally?
I've never asked "why me" in terms of my vision issues. In some ways, it's been a blessing. But for the first time ever, I've run out of optimism. I feel hopeless and pessimistic about my life. I feel like there's no point in living. At least not here. I need to leave. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head but living at home is holding me back from being independent.
I'm well aware that so many people have problems worse than mine and I'm thankful not to have cancer or other serious illnesses and that I'm not homeless. But for the first time ever, it doesn't make me feel better to know that others have it worse than me. I'm just tired and frustrated that I can't ever seem to catch a break. I just want one year where life is somewhat progressing. 2010 does not seem like that. It could have been but this job is clearly not going to work. Without another job lined up, I can't quit (although, she probably is going to fire me this week). I can't move without a job lined up or money saved up (that's why I took this job in the first place). I'm 30 in a year and everything I've wanted to achieve by the time I'm 30 is never going to be achieved. I'm just so depressed.
The kicker is that even if I get to stay in this job for 3 months, my health insurance is crappy, expensive, and until I get it, I can't even see a doctor and get back on an anti-depressant (I took celexa a few years ago)! What's a girl to do? I guess I can seek assistance from lawyers assistance since I am a lawyer and have free access to them. I keep asking God why He keeps me alive. What's the point in letting me live if I have no job, no place of my own, no SO when everyone else has at least one of these things? This is torture. I feel pathetic and like a failure in so many ways.
TIA for reading...it's been a rough two weeks.

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wow thanks for sharing the story about your daughter. I did end up quitting my job...I kinda regret it since I don't have a job now (and I've always said you should never quit a job before finding another one) but I knew my health would be affected if I stayed there much longer. Plus, I did not want to get fired.
Yes, you're right part of my depression is based on the jitters/doubts I have in starting out. Without a doubt in my mind, I know the area of law I would love to go into: Labor/employment law. I love it that much. I'd be willing to start my own practice but...I'm new, have no capital, and with over a hundred grand in student loans, I'm not willing to take out more loans like a small business loan. Somehow, I need to get work experience and get paid so that I can save up, pay down my debt, and then get my own place and then maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy and I'll actually meet people, go out more, etc. With the legal market as glutted as it is, I'm thinking maybe I need to just find a job even if it's outside of the legal field just so I can earn money to pay off my debts and start saving. I just don't know how to find such a job when my resume screams "overqualified" for non-attorney jobs.
Easy to know and
You are putting your happiness on hold until certain criteria that you have set in your head is met. You are limiting yourself with that thinking. Just be happy today. Bloom where you are planted, so to speak.
Enjoy your free time, you have worked hard and deserve it. There will come a time when you will be so busy and overloaded with work and responsibility, that you will wish you could go back home to your parents for a while and just relax again.
It isn't a mortal sin to live with your parents until you find a job. Most college grads do have to do that for a while. My daughter lived with us for a year after law school to save money. It wasn't where she wanted to be, but it was a smart move.
I foster teenage girls whose parents can't or won't provide a decent home for them. They would kill to be in your position...to have a home and parents/family who love and support them. Most of them know that college will never be in their future. They will be lucky to get through high school... and will probably be working low paying jobs forever.
If you apply for lesser jobs, to meet people, make money, or just to be out and about, you don't have to put on your app that you are a law school grad. Play it down if you feel you need to.
Living at home shouldn't stop you from making/having friends. Volunteer somewhere, even at a free legal clinic if possible. You will be doing good, needed, important work and getting experience at the same time. Battered women's shelters are desperate for this kind of help.
Go to places young people go. Mix, mingle, and, stay in touch with your college friends, wherever they are...something could come to you through that venue.
The friends that already have kids, bought homes, etc. probably didn't go to law school. That was a trade-off you made that will pay off in the long run.
I think that you are being very hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. You are only 29 years old. You have years and years to make your life what you want it to be. How could you possibly think, or know, what is or is not, in the cards for you. You are giving up before your real life has even started!!!!
A lot of people are struggling in this economy. People who have been working for years at their careers, are out of work now. It really sucks, isn't fair, and people are just having to do what they have to do. You had the grit to go to school for a long time. I have every confidence that that same grit is going to get you through this period as well.
If your stay depressed for very long, seek professional help. You may need therapy or meds for a period of time. And their is no shame in that at all. Everyone I have ever known, has gone through a period of depression at some point in their lives.
Hang in there! Big Hugs to you!!!!
Thanks for your response. It has given me a lot to think about. I would love nothing more than to be happy with my life as is in this moment but I'm finding it very hard when my heart aches so much for the things I want and don't have at the moment.
I may have had the grit to go to school for all those years but maybe it wasn't a wise decision after all. They say eventually career stuff gets sorted out but right now I'm having "buyer's remorse" with the challenging economy and the six-figure loans. I only have myself to blame though so I'm trying to take responsibility for it.
I am such a type A person that I don't really enjoy having too much free time on my hands. I like staying busy and productive. Of course when I'm too busy, then I do miss having free time. It's just right now I have TOO much free time on my hands.
I have volunteered before - as an unpaid legal intern for a civil rights law firm. As much as I believe in volunteering and serving others, I can't do that full-time. I'm happy to donate my time on weekends and maybe in the evenings but the reality is I have to earn money. Unfortunately, volunteering does not pay the bills and won't help me save up so that I can move out of my parents' house.
I know it's not a mortal sin to live at home...but it's not good to stay there for too long either. You start to get complacent, too comfortable, and give up independence.
Maybe I'm being impatient but I just want my real life to start already! I feel too young at times b/c I haven't had any of the life experiences my sister and friends have had. I just keep wondering when I'll ever have those life experiences or even if I'll ever have them.
I can totally relate to your job issues. I changed my major my senior year in college, and basically set myself back 10 years career wise, and felt many of those things - others were doing better, had good jobs, I had promise that I didn't utilize, etc.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason, though it may not seem like it at the time. I had a boss like that (who eventually ended up getting fired, thank goodness) and also had a job I hated so much it caused major health problems. No job is worth that, your sanity is more important than any work you have. Also, your job does not define you, you have worth independent of that.
I can look back and see how everything has had, at least, a silver lining, even the things that really sucked at the time. I'm having issues myself, but just wanted to say I know what you're going through and hang in there. I know it's hard to do, but try not to compare your worth to other's accomplishments. You've done more than most, just by getting into law school, graduating and passing the bar, that's a lot more than a lot of people would've done, so try to focus on the good things you've done and remember that (again, I know, easier said than done!)
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