How to deal with someone who hates you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
How to deal with someone who hates you?
12
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 7:36pm

So I've written about this before but I'm posing a different question this time.

Why do I let peoples opinions of me bother me so much that I become severely depressed? Example, I made a mistake and had a confrontation with my neighbor about something major (I accused her of leaving dog crapp on my lawn, which she did and because she felt as I was using a threatening tone when I said I was going to call the association, she turned around and called the cops on me saying she felt I was harassing her. Weird, how she decided to turn things around.). I have been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over confronting her because as my husband said, I could have just let it go or been "nicer" to her during the confrontation. I wish I could take things back but I can't so instead the guilt and anger at her caused me to become depressed. Like, REALLY depressed feeling as I did not want to get out of bed for weeks. I did but only to go to work and back. Then I usually come home, drink chamomile tea, take occasional Xanax and go to back to bed.

The other important reason why I became depressed is that aside from the guilt how I could have handled (or rather not handle) the situation is the fact that this confrontation with my neighbor was witnessed by other neighbors who told many other neighbors in my commnity and after the word got out, I became the bitch who was "mean" to Mrs. X. Mrs. X happens to be also a fairly popular figure because she is chatty and has a few kids who hang out with other neighbors kids so naturally, they took her side without questioning much. And again, I am not saying I was right and they should have taken my side instead, because when I look back I should have never been involved in this argument with my neighbor. Because knowing her personality, I was "asking for it".

It;s been way too long (a YEAR) that this thing has been bothering me for. The exchange between me and THAT neighbor made us enemies for life because when I was making a mild attempt to apologize, she snubbed me instantly and said she had to go. So it's over. No turning back, nothing can be repaired.

But a year later I am still traumatized by her calling the cops on me and I cannot deal with others looking down on me since this incident. I feel like they're all judging me even though they moved on, I will forever be branded as the bitch, that girl, that crazy neighbor. They hardly ever look at me. I get many dirty looks and overall I "feel" that they dislike me.

Intellectually, I understand that I am unable to change anyone's hate for me especially if they all have decided that's how they feel about me but on an emotional level, I am unable to deal with the aftermath. I became "paranoid" about the situation. I hardly leave the house to take walks because it is just too uncomfortable for me. When I get a sudden feeling of depression lifting and I get outside, something like my neighbor passing me and looking the other way, can always SET OFF more depression with which I struggle with for more weeks/months.

I have seen a therapist about this and he seems like he's really trying to help me but months later, I still don't feel better. He told me things like that "it;s okay to be different" and deep down I should know that I am a good person but the thing is, I don't believe that I actually am. Otherwise, I would not be so stupid to not know how to get along with people.

I must mention that this episode only triggered my depression from many years ago that was about general regrets about dealing with people, things like "I can't believe I did that/said that". That depressive episode got better with time but I guess I still have many unresolved issues hence for the past year or so, since the incident with my neighbors, I actually believe now that I am a "bad" person, incapable of understanding social qs and incapable of developing proper relationships with people. I mean, look at me, I only have a few friends. Some people have 300+ friends on Facebook, I barely managed to get a dozen and only a few of them are actual friends.

I got a script for Lexapro and I am terrified to start taking it. I've read some things on the Internet how it may create suicidal tendencies and this would be the nail on the coffin for me.

Any feedback would be appreciated. My husband is threatening me to have me committed if I keep talking to him about this. He said he either wants to on meds or to snap out of it. He doesn't understand why I have let everything to take form of all kinds of distorted thoughts in my head like that everyone hates me. He also doesn't understand why it's taking me so long to get better. I don't know either. I especially don't know why this incident would leave me so mentally traumatized.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 12:57pm

Hi just_aubrey,

I can really feel the emotional pain that you are going through, as it clearly comes through in your writing.

I feel that you had every right to confront/question your neighbor in this situation. Obviously, you did too at the time, which is why you tried to talk with her. If she was doing this act to irritate you, you needed to take some step to stop it.

You confronted her, it didn't go well, and now you aren't friends. I would say she wasn't your friend to begin with, so you have lost nothing.

As for the other neighbors, you may be imagining that they have been swayed by her, when in reality, they have not. Even if she has bad mouthed you to them, they probably could care less.

People are busy with their own lives and aren't really that concerned about petty disputes going on between other neighbors.

Two of my neighbors fought bitterly for years. They tried to talk to everyone in the neighborhood about each other. Everyone was bored by it and thought the whole thing immature and ridiculous. EVERYONE. To them, it was a big deal...to everyone else, a non-issue. Seriously.

I have a neighbor on the corner who is a retired old busy body who talks about everyone. I just basically decided years ago to pretend like the house he lives in is a vacant lot. It has worked well for me. I call it rejecting the rejecter. I just don't have time for people like him in my life.

You may have stopped smiling, waving, or making eye contact with others because you believe this woman has turned everyone against you. This may not be the case. They may not be acting friendly toward you, because they feel you are not friendly toward them. So smile and wave, and go on about your business.

None of us like everyone we meet, so it is unrealistic for us to think that everyone will like us.

I'm sure you have friends and family who love you. Focus on them. You are married, so your husband surely saw you as a lovable lady. None of us are all good or all bad. And, we all have our days when we could have handled a situation better. And, I mean ALL OF US!!! We learn something from it and go on. It's all anyone can do.

I applaud you for trying to make amends. YOU are the bigger person.

Hold your head up, put a smile on your face and refuse to allow others to define you!!!

Someone once said that if you leave this world with 5 CLOSE friends, you have done something! I believe this to be true. Big hug from me to you!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:33pm
I can relate. I often find myself in situations where I don't get along with a particular group of coworkers. It can be very difficult. I still don't know how to deal with it sometimes. Thankfully, I am no longer dealing with the group of ladies I was having trouble with at my current job - I transferred positions, and some of them changed to different shifts. But it can definitely be tough! I am such an overly sensitive person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 3:42pm

cameragirl- i wonder myself if this is a matter of being overly sensitive (hyper-sensitive is my fave def) or simply the case of lack of coping skills....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 9:02pm

You said:

"People are busy with their own lives and aren't really that concerned about petty disputes going on between other neighbors."

Then why are they so hostile toward me?

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 9:13pm

We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.


How do you feel about yourself? Is there any chance

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 7:48pm
Gail, I think I DO hate myself. What led you to think this is the case? That is so profound of you to force me to think about it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 7:51pm

Hi!


I sometimes pop into this board and yours was the first post I noticed.


I have some things I want to share with you.


First, you are being too hard yourself and second, you are not alone in your anger at your neighbors.


Please don't be too hard yourself.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 8:18pm

Hi.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 4:22am

Just_abrey,

They upset you because, on some level, you're agreeing with them. You said in one of your other posts that you dislike yourself. Honestly, from where we're standing, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Why shouldn't you have gotten upset w/ a person who is lazy and disrespectful enough to leave their dog's crap on your yard? Why should you feel one bit of guilt over that? That is a normal and a healthy response. Someone disrespected you and your home! Your neighbor over-reacted in calling the cops on you--but that says more about her/him then you.
Tell you what I did recently when I was spinning and just couldn't seem to let something go...I wrote that person an email. I didn't address it and I knew I would never send it, but just blasting him with all the things I was thinking and feeling and knew that I could never really say--I nailed that person's butt to the wall--he just never knew it. :-) It felt really good! I didn't have to edit, to think about how it might come across, how it might be interpreted...I said exactly what I said and felt (angry as heck). And the beauty of it was, the next day, I didn't have to beat myself up with, "I can't believe I said/did that!--why oh why did I say that????" Maybe you could try something similar?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 3:55pm

I appreciate everyone's input and thank you for the kind words. Some of you have given me more insight than my own (very pricey) therapist. Not to be dragging my post out more but I think this comes down to me hating myself hence I am so inclined to believe the (negative) opinions that others have of me. I think this is beyond a low self esteem issue, I LOATHE myself for the person that I am. I hate the fact that I've made mistakes in the past, I hate the fact that others hate me and quite frankly, I also must have a disorder of sort (depression?? because:

something like a person not responding to my message on Facebook can set me off/trigger the self-loathing.... my internal dialogue goes something like this:" see Aubrey, everyone hates you because this person that you thought was your friend in high school does not want to be friends with you on facebook, they're "friending" everyone else but you- you really ARE an unlovable person, worthless and without a purpose to exit.... i feel so sad for myself but these are the things that i believe in... and i don't know how to change these thoughts i have about myself when it seems as there is enough in my life to validate them....

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