Do I evenHAVEthe"RIGHT"2have anotherKID?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Do I evenHAVEthe"RIGHT"2have anotherKID?
23
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:57pm
Now, hold up! Let me tell you my situation first before you give your opinion. I want every single person to be candid and honest here. I PROMISE that my feelings will NOT be hurt no matter WHAT you say!

And before I get started, I want to let you know that I may have to do this in more than 1 post, cuz I have to think while I type, and you know how well THAT goes over w/us blondes! LOL! And if I sit here for too long, then MSN will eat my post and I'll loose everything I've said!



Okay, I'm 30 y/o, (I'll be 31 in Nov), my dh just turned 27 today, and I've already got 4 kids. My older 2 are from and live w/my ex, (LOOOOOONG story! I'm NOT touching it!), and the oldest is a boy, he'll be 14 in Oct. and the other's a girl who's 12. My younger 2 are from my husband, and they live w/us. they're both girls, one will be 8 this month, and the other will be 6 in Sept.

We currently live in southern California, in North San Diego county, and he has been in the military for the last 7 1/2 yrs. (one benifit of having another child now, would be that the ins. would take care of everything)

My ex and I have joint custody of the older 2 kids, but whatever parent the kids live with, the OTHER one is responsible for paying child support. So I have a big child support bill, b/c right after he got them, he IMMEDIATELY went on welfare and medical assistance and I had to pay back the state EVERY SINGLE DIME that they ever gave him AND everything that they covered in med. expenses. Yes, it's only fair that I help pay it and that I help take care of med. expenses, but look at it this way, I'm the one who's paying for ALL of it, not part of it, ALL of it. And he's not paying for ANY of it! He got $ from the state and the state got all that $ back from me, so not only did I have to pay for MY rent/utilities/bills/food/gas/ med. etc... I was also paying his full rent, + extra for his bills AND I was also paying all medical expenses w/NO ins. coverage! I don't care WHAT anyone says, that is NOT fair! Yes it's fair that I help, and yes it's fair that I pay some or even 50% of med. exp., but for me to have to pay it all 100% AND pay his full rent on top of it??? NO! That's NOT fair! Esp. when I have my own place/bills and other kids to take care of, too!

But whatever! You can't fight the system! What's done is done! so I had to pay all that $ back to Wisconsin state. Which, THEY are pd off, now, but in alll the years that it took me to GET them pd off, my current child support was falling further and further behind and I couldn't afford to pay both at the same time cuz I had 2 other kids, too. Plus I couldn't choose. They garnished my wages when I was working, and everything went to the state of Wisconsin and they gave him the 1st $50 and kept everything over that for "their" debt. Which I think is wrong, it should've at least been 50/50, cuz the kids need current support $, too!

But - you can't fight the system!

So my ch. spt. "bill" kept growing bigger and bigger while I was forced to pay off the state 1st. And, mind you, I wasn't always in a position where I was able to work, either. But that doesn't matter. Even if you don't have a job, you still build up current ch. spt. Otherwise EVERYONE would not have a job, just to get out of paying child support! LOL! There's still a monthly minimum, no matter what.

Now, I haven't worked since June 2nd, 2002. I haven't worked in 2 yrs! So you can imagine how high my ch. spt is now! I've made a few pymts here and there, but it's always been sporadic b/c I don't have a job and I don't have any income. Plus on top of that, they've been garnishing our tax returns. Not all of it, but some. Which is fine. I don't have a problem w/it. But my whole point is that now it's all snowballed and I currently own in the $7000 range for arrears. Which included current and past eccrued ch. spt.

Do I have the "right" to have another child when I feel that I can't even take care of the ones I've got???

I went back to school in July 2002, 5 wks after I stopped working, and I took a quick college course, so now I've got a certificate for being a medical assistant. So, cool, right? Since they're desparate for ppl in the med. field, right? Well, I grad. that program mid-May of 2003, and at the time, my dh was still gone w/themilitary (he was gone for 8 mos), and I couldn't afford to pay for full time child care for 2 kids, so the plan was for me to stay home w/the kids for the summer, (last summer, '03), and then when they went back to school in the fall, to go and get a job. which was fine, anyways, cuz our lease was up July 31st, and we were moving, so there was no sense in me getting a job, just to have to quit it in a month, anyways. Plus dh was comming home in Sept. so it should've worked out fine.

Well.

No, it didn't! (I'm starting a new thread, don't want msn to eat it!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:59pm
When we moved here last Aug, 3 towns from our old place, I got settled and unpacked first. The girls started school at the end of Aug, so when I went to reg. them, I found out that the kindergardeners only have 1/2 days! I was like what the??? I've heard of 1/2 day K before, but no where, in all my 30 yrs, have i ever lived somewhere where they actually enforced it! Not when I went to school in Chicago, not in WI when my older 2 were in school, and not the last town we lived in, (in CA, too), and on top of THAT! You know the whole "budget crisis" that the state of CA is in? Well, one of the things they cut was bus transportation! So you have to either walk or drive your kids to school every day! But for me, it was 3 times a day, 15 times a week. My 2nd grader went to school from 8:00 - 2:12 and my K went from 11:06 - 2:27, so I had to go to school at 8, then again at 11, then again at 2 and sit there for 1/2 hr!

I tried and tried so hard to find a sitter! i called all the local Day care cntrs in the phone book, I called places and ppl in 2 of the local papers! I was new and didn't know anybody, so I couldn't ask around. But I couldn't believe what a hard time I had! Oh, I found plenty of ppl who were willing to watch them, but NO ONE was willing to transport 15 times a week! Even the in-home child care providers wouldn't do it. They couldn't cuz they couldn't leave the other kids they had alone at their place just to take my kids to school, and they didn't have enough room and/or car seats to lug all the other kids with, and IF they WERE to do that, then they'd ahve to get written permission from the parents saying they were allowed to drive their children around back and forth. NOT!

So basically I'm a SAHM because I'm being FORCED to. Believe me! I STILL look in the paper and make phone calls from time to time. No one wants to or can do it! So that's why I haven't worked. Not cuz I'm a lazy person or a no good, dead beat parent who refuses to pay ch. spt., but b/c I litterally CAN'T!!!

But no one gets it! No one understands!

So now it's summer, and next month the girls start up school, again, and I'm TOTALLY planning on looking for a job once they're BOTH in school full time! LOL! But they'll both be in from 8-2:12, so I'll either have to find a local job from 8-2, so I can drop them off at 7:45 and pick them up at 2:15, or I'll have to find after school care for them. Either way, it's something for right now, we can get caught up on bills, and I can get current w/child support again, and not feel so low about that.



B U T !!!!!!!!!!

Now there's a possibility that I could be preggo. Am I wrong? Am I a stupid whore who doesn't know when to keep my legs shut? Am I bad person for having a bunch of kids that I can't even take care of??? I'm not being sarcastic - I'm being serious. Really

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:00pm
I'm not on the pill, or the shot, & neither of us are fixed. I know my cycle and we have sex accordingly. But lately - for months now - I've had this longing desire to have another baby! And I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about! When you get that desire, it's practically insatiable! I've been more careless - or wreckless if you want to call it that - about when we have sex, and I feel like if I DO end up preggo, it's because I sabbotaged it! I've brought this up to my dh several times. For the most part, no, he doesn't want another child. The main reason being financial. But if it happens, then we'll deal w/it kind of attitude. No it's not a firm no, but it's not a yes, either. I've told him that I've been thinking about having another one lately. I've told him that in most ways I don't, at least not now, but I'm not convinced that I DON'T want another one. Maybe in a yr or 2. He's never said no. But then again, he's never outright said "Yes, let's do it!". It's always been more or less like "I'd rather not, but if it happens, it happens, and we'll deal w/it" kind of thing. (I want to assure you all that abortion is NOT an option, here!). Eric, my dh, is completely aware right now that it's a possibility. We've both been aware since this weekend, cuz we both knew that it was pushing close to the time that I'm gonna be ovulating, and we both know sperm can live 3-4 days. Plus - I've been known to ovulate early. Plus - when you get older, it's totally normal to even ovulate twice a month on occassion. So, to me, it's just a ticking time bomb, waiting to happen, anyways. KWIM? I've tried taking b/c pills, but my body cannot tollerate hormone therapy. I've tried 3-4 dif. kinds of the pill, all 1-3 yrs apart from taking the prev. one, and my body just can't tollerate it. So taking the pill, or getting the shots, or the patch, and whatnot is NOT an option for us. We do occasionally use rubbers, but we more or less just abstain thru my "fertile" time period. And it's worked so far! My youngest is gonna be 6 in 2 months and I haven't gotten prego since!

So anyways, ladies who laugh a lot, tell me your honest to goodness opinions: do you think I have the "right" to have another child? I love kids, and love babies, and I think I'm a very good mom, (tho I HAVE been known to loose my temper from time to time! LOL!), I'm WAY nurturing and loving and totally honest w/my kids about life, feelings, etc... so I've NO QUESTION this child would have a "bad" life! This child would have love pouring out of every vein in my body! And then some! And would be well taken care of and well raised in a loving, nurturing environment.

But- - don't you think that this world is already over populated as it is? Who am I to have a 5th kid when there's already too many ppl on this Earth as it is? And w/what the world's come to, now-a-days, do I really want to bring another life into this?

UGH! I'm so confused!!!!!

Please note that I have left all of these posts before reading the other ones that I can see have already been left by some of you. I figured you should read the WHOLE story first!

GOD! I SOOOOO needed to get all that off of my chest! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:01pm
Yeah, I know that sometimes "stuff happens"! Like they say, everything happens for a reason. And what's meant to be will ALWAYS find it's way. You can't always fight it.



Sometimes it may not be "your" plan - but it doesn't necessarily mean that that's not what IS planned.



Whomever is meant to be here will be here when their time is right on this Earth. Know what I mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:42pm
You poor thing! It is easy to see that you have a lot happening in your life. IMO you have EVERY right to have another baby. Yes you do have a lot going on here and there but sooner or later it will get better. Their is a TOK board here I think maybe you should go there(I have an only and I lurk there)its a wonderful board full of wonderful women who are very understanding and very helpful. Although I would not mention the overpopulation of children since most of them have more than 5. I will put the link below I don't know if it will work but if not just copy and paste it to your address bar. I hope it is correct if not it is located under the family size heading on the right side.

Shelby

SAHM to Haylei

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pplargefam

Avatar for lesetlo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:45pm

Well, what one has the "right" to do and what is reasonable are often very different things.

Avatar for majl66
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:59pm
I absolutely agree with Leslie, 100%!

Monya, mom of Garrett and Olivia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:20pm
You have certainly had a lot of bad things happen to you. I personally don't see how having another child at this point in your life can help your situation. I think you need to get some counselling to help you come to terms about the problems in your life. I think you need to try to provide for the children that you have.

I have one sister that everything she touches turns to gold. My other sister,God bless her,everything she touches turns to sh....t. So I know about financial problems,divorce,child custody,etc.

I know what it means to want a child.I longed for a child for 5 years. We tried and tried. We finally saved enough money for in vitro. The 1st ended in miscarriage.We had only enough money for 1 more try. It worked !! But this was 7 years of wishing and hoping. I am a loving and nurturing person,too. I know what empty arms feel like.

All of that being said,if you are pregnant then love that baby with all of your heart. Get your tubes tied and take care of your kids.

If you aren't pregnant then you must find a birth control method and use it. You are young. Get on your feet financially and then have a baby if you still want one. But remember your daughters will need college money and weddings before you know it.

Good Luck and God Bless. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings but you asked for our true feelings so that is what you got.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:57pm
What's a TOK board???


I'll try your link and see what it is. Thank you for your kind words....

Lady of fire (Ladyofyre)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:11am
No. You didn't offend me at all. You said it tactfully, and I agree w/what you said. b/c although I'm not "trying" to get preggo right now, we are trying "not" to, but sometimes get careless. (yes, I know, it's not all on me, he needs to be more responsible about it, too), and also, he's leaving in Aug for 6 wks for more training w/the military, and again from a cpl days after Thanksgiving till a cpl days before Xmas they'll be gone again, AND they're leaving in Feb/March for 6 months. so that would bring us to Sept./Oct. of next yr. I think it would be the wisest thing to do, to wait till he comes back and then take it from there.

That way, like I said, it gives me a full year + to work and get caught up on bills and child support,(mind you, I highly doubt I'll have $7000 in ch spt, not incl. current spt pd off in only 1 yr, but hey, it'll be a LOT lower and more manageable. Besides, a good chunk will come out of our tax return to go towards it, too. Like this year they took $1300 from our tax return.).

Besides, you're ALWAYS going to have bills. As long as you can manage them, then it shouldn't be a problem. We don't have ANY credit cards. The only bills we have are rent, utilities, daily living expenses, student loans, 2 vehicle pymts, and an old consolidated debt loan. So we're not as bad off as a LOT of ppl are, bill-wise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:34am
Yes, you have the right, if it's what your family wants. Someone once said to me, "If you wait until you can actually AFFORD a child, you'll never have one." I do think you should be in the best circumstances you can be before having a baby who will be eating up any extra time and money you have. But, when you weigh a child against money........well, a child is a child. No one should have a child that they'll have to raise on the street, or bring one into an abusive relationship, or have another child if they can't stand the ones they've got thinking this will be the one that will understand me and be there for me (more women do this than you'd think!). But if you truly want a child because you want to be there for the child, you want to spend more time and trouble on another child, you want to have to balance payments and juggle priorities for another child, and the father wants all that too, then I think you could do it. Don't forget to take into account the absence of the father when he's off for months at a time and having to do it all alone.........and don't forget to take into account possible difficulties with the older kids you have.....many will be excited to have a sibling coming, but the reality of a baby keeping you up, giving you more chores because mom needs help, giving you less time because mom's busy or tired, giving you fewer choices because there's less money.....that's a different story. Just weigh everything, sit down with the father, and make your choice together. I know what the baby fever is all about too, having gone through secondary infertility........my boys are seven years apart.......that's about 5 years of the baby dance for us........avoiding showers and the whole nine yards.........just because you already have a child (or children) sure doesn't mean that baby longing is gone. Now, we're starting to slowly dance again. Dh isn't too sure about it, but he's coming around, but financially, we do need to wait another 3 years or so but with me now getting older, I'm starting the baby fever again. It's a tough spot. I do agree with the previous poster though that you are still quite young. You've got time on your side, so it could be better for you to get all caught up and ahead some and then bring in baby. Tough choice, good luck with it.

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