Has anyone else gotten fat? (weight ment

Avatar for e1978
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Has anyone else gotten fat? (weight ment
8
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 5:20am
Hi. I wrote a couple of years ago to this board. At least I think it was that long ago. I think.

Anyway, I still haven't been able to overcome my eating disorder Bulimia. I don't have Exercise Bulimia anymore because I have been suffering from shin splints for this entire year and they don't seem to be getting better so I can't even go walking much. Which I guess is a blessing in disguse cause I can't exercise like a manic like I would love to do.

At my lowest point I weighed 51kgs and was so dehydrated from laxative taking and vomiting that the nurses couldn't find a vein to put in me and that I couldn't do much because my heart was beating too fast most of the time.

I now have just plain Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating disorder. I just keep eating and eating and eating.... I now weigh 73.5kg. I don't know what that is in pounds. I am only 159cm tall so this is about 10kg overweight. I am so mad at myself, but at the same time I think that what is the point? I am fat anyway? I can't exercise and I just sit at home after work in front of the television eating.

I have put 5kg one in the last 3 weeks because my husband and I are travelling overseas in a couple of weeks to my home country for a month and I have been stressing about this. Stressing that I have to go and stay with my parents who think quite lowly of me. I am 25 years old by the way and feel like I am 12 when it comes to them.

I am now so fat from this stupid eating disorder that my husband doesn't want to do anything with me (in bed that is). He can't be turned on by someone who is so big. It's ok, he is entitled to feel this way. This only makes me eat more and more and again I can't stop.

It's like eating is the only comfort I have. I have only one friend and she has moved away. There are no possibilities for me to make any friends either. I don't live in the warmest of countries. I just come home from work, sit in front of the computer and telly and eat.

I have been to see two eating disorder doctors. The first one told me off when I first saw her and then said I was cured after 5 sessions. The second one didn't really do anything. I just talked and talked the same things over and over and she didn't really offer any solutions other than 'what is normal?'.

I am so fat now that I just cry when I look at myself in the mirror. I have to go and face my parents who are only going to make comments 'We knew you couldn't keep the weight off' kind of comments. My mother visited the country I live in now for my wedding (I was 51kg then) and made the comment that I looked good but could put on half a stone (I don't know stone measurements). She will make a comment about my size when we see them.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this hole and stop getting fatter.

Mise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 9:23am

Hi Mise,


First I want to say that I am so sorry you are struggling like this and I can relate to what you are going through. I've been there and I know it's not easy. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a big hug.


Second, it sounds like your Mom has her own issues with food and weight because her comments to you are totally inappropriate and wrong. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that unless you think you can talk to her in a calm and loving way and make her understand how you feel and what's going on with you.


Does your husband know that you are struggling with and eating disorder or does he simply think you like to eat? Compulsive overeating is just as hard to deal with as purging or starvation. It's a cry for help or attention and it indicates that you are not dealing with something on a deeper emotional level. It would be good if you can open up to your husband, tell him why you are struggling, and hopefully get his support. It is hard for non-ED people to fully understand what we are going through, but if they don't know, they can't help us at all.


About doctors/therapists - I wish I could punch the one who said you were cured after 5 sessions.

Love & hugs, Kristina

Avatar for e1978
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 10:20am
Thank you very much for replying.

Yes my husband knows about my eating. We have both been struggling with this together. He's a very supportive husband. But he doesn't know how he can help. The only way he knows is to use my ed as an excuse for everything that I do or say. I think that he thinks eds make you insane. That is why he uses it as an excuse. I don't know.

My Mother doesn't have any trouble with the way she looks. Her and my Father think that they are perfect. She has been making comments about my weight since I was a teenager and started to put on weight. They are also controlling passive agressive people.

I am very much stressed because I know that the minute my Mother sees my husband and I at the airport (when we go there in a few weeks time) one of the first comments out of her mouth will be 'You've put a bit of weight on'. And then I will have to put up with 'Haven't you had enough?' and 'That's enough' and 'Trust you to take the biggest piece' etc. These are the same comments she has been making since I was a teenager.

I don't live in Germany. I am an Australian living in Finland.

My employer pays for any doctors that their employees need to see, but we have to be those doctors who are belonging to the medical company that my employer uses. That isn't too many doctors to choose from. I have been to the two eating specialists. If I go to a doctor on my own it's very expensive. Finland is a very expensive country, so going to a special doctor will probably cost me more than a days wage.

I don't know what to do. I can't stop eating. I have just started my period today and while I don't suffer from anger or any other PMS symptons like this (I am not on any contraceptives either) I do suffer very badly from sugar cravings. Made even worse by my ed. It gets so bad that I can be binging on chocolate and feel like it's a normal thing. So the binging takes over after being started by the sugar cravings.

Every week I am putting more an more weight on and I can't stop it.

Thank you again for replying :)

Mise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 11:25am

Hi Again,


Your Mom may not have any issues with herself, but she has issues on some level if she is making hurtful comments about you rather than taking a loving approach. Does that make sense? And of course, I do not know your Mom so I may be totally wrong.


I do wonder how you can prepare for those comments so they

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:15pm
Kristina:

This question is regarding your suggestion that Mise look into 5-HTP. I experience a lot of cravings before my period also...especially sugar. I have yet to be able to cut back on my intake around this time...just can't seem to find the will power yet I guess. Anyway, since the 5-HTP and Lexapro both increase levels of serotonin, is it safe to take them simultaneously? I know I should run this by my physician before taking them but I was wondering if you knew. Thanks for your help!

Mise:

I know what you are going thru and I wish I had good advice but I have kind of the same issue. Generally after I binge, I resort to purging though. However there have been times when I go to purge but am unable to. Sometimes this inability lasts a few days especially if I have been purging on a regular basis. I tend to put on weight quickly when this happens. Even though I know I may be unable to purge, I continue to eat. I want nothing more in this world than to have a normal relationship with food. It is almost a lose/lose situation. It seems that if I am constantly exercising and eating very little, then I get thin and though I know this is harmful, I am strangely "content". Yet when I try to be normal and eat regular meals, I end up eating too much and then purging. I put on weight and feel very uncomfortable. I can't seem to find a place in between where I am simply happy and healthy. I feel so out of control all of the time, sometimes I wonder if I'm just going crazy. I would not wish an ED on my worst enemy and it breaks my heart that so many others that post here are going thru the same thing. If I had one wish I would cure us all. Keep working Mise, you will get thru this, we all will eventually. And tell your husband to quit "punishing" you for your ED. I'm sure you beat yourself up over it daily, the last thing you need is a partner in crime. We all need love and support more than anything!! Please take care- Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 4:29pm
hi mise,

Just wanted to second the things that kristina said. It definately sounds like you're dealing with a lot of people (your mom, your docs) who either do not understand eating disorders very well or who do not have your best interest in mind.

I don't know what kgs are in lbs, but keep in mind it's possible that you are not actually overweight; often times people with eating disorders think that an appropriate weight for their height is not what it actually is. Healthy weight is a range; it's possible that your healthy setpoint is on the higher end of the healthy range.

Also, weight stabilization when you have bulimia and/or BED is a monster - our bodies take a long time with a lot of healthy feeding before they find their right weight. There's this strange idea out there that some doctors have that if you have an eating disorder or restrictive tendancies you'll always be thin; when the truth is, some people recover and are always thin, and some people recover and are always heavier, just like regular people without EDs come in all sizes.

When I recovered from bulimia I quit purging first. I was never a binger, but I found when I really worked hard on not restricting and not purging, I ended up overeating now and again - symptom swapping I guess. I was convinced I was totally out of control with my eating, when in reality I WAS overeating but it wasn't a crisis. It's just that after years of starvation, a little overeating seemed like binging all day long.

Eventually I was able to eat healthily most of the time and eliminate most of the overeating from my life; but in the meantime I did gain about 20 lbs more than my doctors thought I would. Having been an anoretic for so long, the reality of ACTUALLY being overweight was very hard to bear; but I tried very hard to stay calm and I let my body do it's thing. After several months of eating healthily (not restricting, not overeating) and excercising occasionally my body lost the extra weight of it's own accord. It was hard for me to trust that my body would find its own healthy weight if I gave it engouh time, especially since for years I was convinced I'd blow up and be out of control if I didn't micromanage what I ate. And it took a LOT longer for my body to find its own healthy weight than I thought it would. But it did, without me dieting or excercising like a fiend or counting calories or anything like that.

So I guess what I'm saying to you is, even if you are actually a little overweight right now, trust that your body will take care of itself. Try to focus on feeding yourself well instead of focusing on the pounds and what your mom will say - I know it's easier said than done, but it wll speed your recovery along much faster. When you find yourself worrying about the extra weight, remember that your body was sick for a very long time, and it takes a while to heal; if you feed it well, it will find a healthy weight on it's own. Work on the emotional reasons that are causing you to overeat; let the weight and bodyshape do its own thing. Health will come, it just takes time.

Good luck to you,

really

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 4:45pm

From what I remember, you are not supposed to take 5-HTP with anti-depressants. I assume that's what Lexapro is?


Here is something else I thought was interesting. My gyn put me on Sarafem for the PMS which I know is just Prozac relabeled. It did nothing for me. Some time later I was complaining to my massage therapist, who is also a clinical herbologist, about my PMS. He suddenly started talking about how it makes him angry that doctors now put women on anti-depressants for PMS when there are much better healthy alternatives out there. I had told him nothing about my doc trying Sarafem with me. Then he told me about 5-HTP and also explained this. Sarafem (prozac, etc.) are SSRI's which stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. According to him, all they do is allow your brain to reuse already available serotonin. but if your serotonin is low already, it does no good what so ever. He said that 5-HTP is actually a pre-cursor TO serotonin and will actually raise the levels in your body. It made sense to me, I did some research, and I felt that it was hepful.


Now I am not sure if Lexapro is an SSRI and again, I don't think you're supposed to take 5-HTP with it. You may want to ask your doc, but I have found is that docs are against natural cures and natural healers are againts meds. You just have to figure out what works for you. I have never done well with meds. I was on antidepressnats for the ED and my father dying and I was miserable on them. Other people do great. I was on birth control pills for endometriosis and was insane on them, other people love them. Unfortunately it's a trial and error thing.


I would research the 5-HTP a bit and maybe get the book by Dr. Murray. He has good info in it.


Hope this helps.

Love & hugs, Kristina


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 5:48pm
I remember you very well and welcome back. Does your husband know that you have an ed and does your family know? If not, it would be good to talk to them about it and lay it all out on the table. I don't know how supportive your family and husband are, but I know from experience that family helps in so many ways if they are supportive. At least share with your husband where you are at with all this and maybe you can see someone together. I don't have any quick solutions and I wish I did. My heart goes out to you and I understand what you are going through. I put on weight when I was bulimc 11 years ago, so I understand. Now I am what you were, over exerciser and obsess about food terribly. Please keep visiting us here so we can help!! Love, Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 11:19pm
I really feel for you. First of all, that your mom actually made such a comment. Clearly she does not know what is going on inside of you! Have you tried to explain to her how you got so skinny in the first place, and really opened up about the suffering you have been through? She obviously does not know any better! Ouch!

Second, I understand about inactivity, reclusiveness and eating. I have a tendency to get into that too. A little exercise is good, though-- so I wouldn't totally give up on that-- it fights depression. I think there are things you can still do with shin splints. Something gentle. There are some really great Yoga tapes out there; if you want recommendations just ask, I have about 20.

Third, the doctors. I'm frustrated FOR you. The "what is normal" business is just plain goofy. Ugh. But everyone says that therapy is of high importance, and I believe that...but I am taking a break from therapy myself so I don't want to be a hypocrite either. What about support groups? I tried Overeaters Anonymous, which wasn't ultimately for me, but others in the group seemed really to benefit from it.

Last, I feel that if you can soothe yourself without using food, you will really be on to something. I eat to release tension, so I'm trying really hard to avoid that by reducing all anxiety in my life. (Difficult since I loathe my job.) One thing I did was went out and bought some nice clothes that I KNOW are a size too big. They don't challenge me in the morning, and I like the outfits! Our bodies are our bodies no matter what they look like from moment to moment and we'd darned better treat them with respect or they will diss us.

I'm so glad you posted, please do so again!

Shortie