i'm NOT perfect

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
i'm NOT perfect
6
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 2:52am
I'm so sorry I feel like I've dissapointewd everyone, today I ate too much, drank too much, and VERY SCARY, for the VERY FIRST TIME I CUT MYSELF & I liked it!!!!! I am not crazy, I know I am a very smart woman intellectually, I just need HELP emotionally, I do, I am on disability right now, can't work, I have to really address my EED (only threw up once today, yea!), anxiety, depression, I just turned 22, why is this happening 2 me??? I want to GET IT THE HELL TOGETHER & MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND BE HAPPY!!! Oh God and tomorrow I have togo to court to get a restraining againt my OWN DAD.... : ( Wht did I cut myself? what IN GOD'S NAME is WRING w/ m? I'm SOOOOOOOO sorry guys I've dissappointed u, I do't even deserve a respone, I am SUPEr FAT FAT FAT (5'5" 123...ghod that weight is so high I should just jump off a bridge!) God I sound like I'm falling apart, I feel like NO ONE in the universe UNDERSTANDS ME (except you guys and my 11 week old kitten!!!) I'm soooooo sorry I sound crazy, I'm not I would never contemplate suicide, I am seeing an ED specialist Thu., perhaps I need in treatment? sORRy 2 but i am in such a horrible state of mind right now, hope all of u r better than me!!!!! I luv u guys, thanks for all of your support : )

Hugs,

Lost & in need of serious help, Janine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 7:03am

Hey Janine!


Sweetie, you haven't disappointed us. Remember - we've all been where you are or are still there. Try not to beat yourself up. The positive thing is that you recognize that you need help. Now what you have to do is figure out what that would look like and go for it.


I know that's easier said than done, but it's possible to recover. I don't know how many times I've been where you are in the 22 years I struggled and now I don't even think about purging anymore or even bingeing. I tried a lot of different

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 8:44am
Hi Kristina,

thanks so much for the kind and wise words, it helps IMMENSELY to know that I am not the only person with a messed up relationship with food. Well, at least I'm not crazy LOL!!! Last time I went to see my psychiatrist I was in real bad shape, I told her "I sound so crazy, I'm so sorry, I just don't know what's wrong with me." And she very firmly said 'you're not crazy!!!' haha I guess you're only crazy if you don't question your sanity...go figure...if u think you're going crazy, u aren't ...but if u don't ever think that, u r!! Something like that :-O LOL but the doc. did put me on disability (starting Oct. 6th)to really focus on treating my ED, anxiety, depression. I do have an optimistic attitude (MOST of the time!), I GENUINELY want (& need!) to heal, recover, move on from this messy stage in my life (although learn from it) and LIVE FULLY again : ) I know I will, I try not to be too hard on myself but I am perfectionist...ugh :-/

Thanks again sweetie....and congrats on your recovery...You're FREE : ) to really LIVE life instead of just ENDURE it : ) You're a strong woman, I'm proud of you : ) I know with (tons of!!!) help I'll one day be able to let the ED Demons out of my life. You don't even know how wonderful it is to have an outlet here on this online community, to read about other's struggles and take satisfaction in knowing your advice might help them along : )

Have a nice day : )

Cheers,

~Janine~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 10:13am

Janine - you are NOT disappointing any of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 3:14pm
hi

im trying to think of something positive to write to you, but i have just had one of the worst days of my life, so its quite hard! if you self harmed, i think you need to remove all sharp things from your house or your office etc. i know what its like to feel how you felt when you posted that letter, ive also self harmed and i ended up almost feinting from the loss of blood, i was rushed into hospital and luckily there was no lasting damage, but my family no longer leave sharp things lying around; they were so disappointed in me it madeee me hate myself even more for what i had done...but i never liked doing it....just like i dont like making myself purge, but i always end up doing it anyway...i have a seriously warped mind this is making me soo depressed...

just purged...i HATE myself...why do i do it?

sorry..this probably isnt helping you at all...stay away from sharp objects, talk to a councellor and can you imagine how upset your family and friends would be if you ended up dead? thats what made me stop self-harming...do it for them if you cant do it for yourself. you cant let it beat you...you HAVE to fight it or who knows where you could end up...

sorry if this was totally depressing but i hope you get my point...fight it....dont let it beat you....if not for you, than for your family, your friends people who know and love you and want to help

*hugs*

good luck

lauren

p.s. hope it goes well with the councellor

just read ur profile...wot happened to ur favorite quote? 'in life, there are no regrets, only lessons' and the best advice you ever had? this one is particularly good 'no matter what has happened to u in the past, u are responsible for your future' this might be the hardest thing to do, but forget about self-harming, put it out of your mind, concentrate on your future, on trying to get your own surgery and making all those dreams come true...family, kids etc look to the future, forget the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 2:28am
Sweet Lauren,

Hi there Hon, thx VERY VERY much for your wonderful, helpful advice : ) U R a true blessing : ) I know I need to put the past behind me, and look towards the future and be happy...it's hard. I go to my ED evaluation tomorrow at 9AM. I know how you feel about starving yourself all day then 'ruining it' at nite. I know, when I was working, b4 disability, I could do fine on 300 cals a day at work....then come 10 PM I'm devouring everything in the house or driving to pig out on fast food...and feeling horrobly guilty. I TOTALLY understand. What does help me is trying to have an 'attitude of gratitude'. State what I am thankful each day, that I'm not a starving African with no home and no health care, you know stuff like that : )

HUGE HUGS Lauren...sweetie you are SMARTER & STRONGER than u know!!!!!!! I have confidence both u and I WILL RECOVER And live life to the fullest & fulfill our WILDEST DREAMS : ) Lauren sweetie, pls don't tell me u want 2 curl up in a ball and die: ( I Know I have felt the same way : ) If you EVER feel that way, pls post here, or e-mail me jnf927@yahoo.com U R NEVER ALONE, U R ALWAYS LOVED : ) And ya' know what else. You're beautiful at WHATEVER WEIGHT!!!!!!! I know how u feel, u r NOT crazy, rite now as I sit here typing this I'm bleeding from a gash I gave myself, will probly need stitches....scary cuz this is the only 2nd time i have SI I know it's WEIRD LOL I will get better, thank GOD ALMIGHY I am seeking intense help!!!!!

Cheers,

Janine

PS Again e-mail me I will help u, or my Mom, she nearly died of anorexia, weighed 69 lbs. (I think to convert to kilos, divide lbs. by 2.2 dear), now weighs 117 & looks AWESOME and healthy w/ right FAT & MUSCLE!!!!!!! Plus she overcame BREAST CANCER : ) and now has boundless energy!!! Wouldn't that be GREAT....to live life instead of ENDURE it? WE CAN DO IT! You're right let's STAY POSITIVE!!!!!!!

: )

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:18pm
Hi Janine,

The court date sounds hideously stressful. If we could all be there to support you, we would, but just keep in mind: we're all there with you. You can do it. You will make it. You will be all right, everything will be ok.

You deserve much better treatment. You are a precious, wonderful, sensitive person who does not deserve to be cut, starved, tortured, weighed and measured.

They say that you should treat others as you would treat yourself, but for people like us I think the expression should really be: "treat yourself as you would treat others." Know what I mean??? Next time you have the urge to hurt yourself, stop and ask: "would I do this to my best friend?"

I feel I understand your urgent need to release tension, since that is my own biggest problem! I try to overfill my stomach so that the stomach fullness becomes the issue instead of other things I don't want to face.

I'd rather turn around and around in the bathroom mirror than turn my other issues around in my head.

I'd rather stare at my behind in the glass of a store window than look where I'm going and think about where I want to go.

I feel like the ed robs us of our goals, our peace of mind, our self esteem and our quality of life.

I wish to god that we could all drop this bizarre fascination with reducing our bodies.

Please let us know how you are doing today. I just know you will conquer these problems.

Shortie