*~`*~`Check-In Time`~*`~*
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| Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:32am |
Hi All,
I've noticed that things have been pretty slow this week and I haven't had much chance to post either. My Mom has been here for almost 2 weeks now and she is leaving tomorrow. I already dread saying good bye. She lives in Germany so typically a year or more goes by before I get to see her again.
Anyway, I was wondering where everybody is and how everybody is doing. If you could, please take a minute to check in, say how you are feeling, give one or more things you are grateful for, and name at least one thing about yourself (not your body) that you like. I'll go first:
Kristina
Feeling a little sad about Mom leaving tomorrow and I miss my hubby. He has been out of town on a business trip and will be back tomorrow evening. Otherwise I am doing ok.
I am grateful for the time I had with my Mom, that she is staying an extra day (originally she was going to leave this morning), for my wonderful husband, my job, this board, all of you, and God in my life.
Something I like about myself is that I have a great sense of humor and I am funny.
Love & hugs, Kristina

Something I'm grateful for - I'm grateful for my family, for my two god children who I love more than anything, for my lovely boyfriend/best friend of 2 1/2 years, and for the grace of God.
Something I like about myself - I like that I'm very loving, and very empathetic.
Hope you're all doing well, and look forward to talking to you all of you at the chat next Monday (:
Grace
Hi Grace - thanks for sharing. I just wanted to tell you that it does get better AND easier. Sounds like you're on the right track.
Would you mind sharing which Christian based group you are in? I would like to start or attend a group in our town but most of them are not Christian based.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Love & hugs, Kristina
Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know other people understand. As for which groups I attend, only one of them is actually Christ-centered. It is a program held at a church called Celebrate Recovery, based on the 12 steps and their Biblical comparisons. There is a one hour church service first, with musical worship and a sermon especially for those struggling/recovering. Then, we break into small groups, one of the groups being for those with eating disorders. I find the whole evening to be absolutely refreshing to my spirit...
I'm glad to hear you had such a great time with your mother. It is hard to say goodbye, but you can hold onto your memories until the next time you see her.
Take care, and thanks again for the response -
Grace
Thank you - was wondering if it is Celebrate Recovery. It's an awesome program and many people have found recovery through it. I started going to the one here, but the I did not like the leaders facilitating the meetings. They were serving cookies, cakes, etc. and when I lovingly pointed out how hard that is for anorexics/bulimics and that it could trigger a relapes, I was told that they have already been made aware of it by others and they will not change.
I got the impression that the leaders had their own ED issues (i.e. not wanting to give up their cookies) but were unwilling to work on them. I wonder if they were even aware of it. All of them were very much overweight - don't get me wrong, I am not judging them for being overweight, but it seemed like they were using food to deal with their emotions. And here we were in an ED group.
Anyway, I am glad you like your group. I really want to start my own group - some day.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Love & hugs, Kristina
I'm sorry your Celebrate Recovery program didn't work out for you. We have two faciliators/leaders for our group, both of whom openly have ED issues. Both are in recovery - one for a very long time, and one whose recovery is new, but strong. One of them is also a counselor, which is an added extra for our group. I think it works out well for us, having leaders with ED problems, because both are very much aware of them, open about them, and willing to work on them. I can see how it would be difficult if the leaders were resistant to even admitting they have a problem...
Our Celebrate Recovery does serve food, however, at the beginning of the worship service, which I do in fact find a bit difficult. Sometimes, because of the nature of the food they serve (sweets, and salty snacks), I am very tempted to binge... and it seems sort of like an ED support group should be a safe place. But, our Celebrate Recovery is for people with all kinds of addictive issues (i.e. drugs, alcohol, food, etc), so I guess they figure everyone else shouldn't have to suffer and do without refreshments just because of the ED people. I just figure its my issue and that I need to figure out an effective way to deal with it. But, I would be lying if I said it wouldn't be a lot easier altogether if there was just no food...
Anyway, are there any other groups in your area that might have similiar programs? I know of at least two different Celebrate Recovery groups in my area, and while its a decent-sized city, it's not all that big... Also, I go to OA, which, while not specifically Christ-centered, I also like and find helpful.
I hope you have a good evening... Thanks for responding, and take care -
Grace
I wish I knew how to break the cycle. I have lowered my dosage of Lexapro and in a week I am going to give 5-HTP a try and see if it makes a difference. I hope you are all doing well. I will try to make it to next Monday's chat, it's just that I commute to work 2 hrs everyday and by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. Anyway, enough of my whining :)
Question 1: See above!
Question 2: I am grateful for my friends and my family and my dog who is always, always so happy to see me when I get home. I am also thankful to be alive even though I struggle daily with this stupid ED because I know I will beat it eventually. And finally, I am so very thankful that I found this board and for everyone on it and the wonderful advice and support that you all give.
Question 3: I like my hair. It is getting really long now and since I stopped coloring it, it actually looks healthy for a change :)
Anyway, take care all!
Roxy
First off, I found a t (finally) and have been going for a month. i missed the one this week but only because i overslept, not because i didn't want to go. he's been really good, things i definitely didn't think of he suggests. he reacted differently than anyone has when he asked me what weight i wanted to be and i told him the truth. i told him my "ideal" which is 110 (though in our crazy minds i really want to be like 100), and he told me that it was possible. i was kind of confused, and then he explained that i could be that weight and be healthy, i would have to change my eating and exercise habits, not even "stop purging",(though that is important too) so it didn't scare me...i don't know, it is helping me, so i'm happy that i made the decision to see him.
so then one night i went to the emergency room...i was having really bad headaches and kidney aches at work, i couldn't even see straight, so i asked my friends finally to take me to the er. i just wanted to get it out to doctors, so that maybe someone would say yes, you are sick, and we can get you help. i told my story to 3 different people and all they did was send me home with an antibiotic that i was allergic to, and a painkiller i lost the prescription for. (i think i posted about that visit a while back).
so then came the time that i took too many pain pills...when i got the letter of acceptance in the sheriffs dept, i had to stop smoking weed (which i do regularly). so in order to sleep, i first polished off an old bottle of codeine i had (i only took painkillers in small amounts, i don't want you to think i was taking the whole bottle...between 2-3 a night is all), then bought a bottle of tylenol pm...i just couldn't sleep in the pain of reality, you know?
ok so last week i fall in my apartment, and i broke my foot (i was playing around with the dog and running around). so now i can't work (i'm a waitress)...i'm out for 3 weeks. ugh. so i had to make some decisions, the police agility test was the next tuesday, and there was no way i was going to be able to complete what i needed to do. not with the foot, on top of old ankle injuries, and the fact that i've been abusing the hell out of my body, what with bulimia, anorexia, and too much casual sex... so i decided to withdraw my application with the police, and go for a real job. i don't want to waitress anymore. so i applied with a temp firm, the manager is the lady that interviewed me for the restaurant management position a few weeks ago. she loved me. so i'm doing pretty well. but i still have a few weeks before i have to go back to friday's, which is why i'm not burning my bridges there. this is the perfect time to find a job and get out of friday's.
so i started smoking pot again, and stopped taking the painkillers. i feel like i'd rather smoke weed which isn't addictive, than grow something out of this that i can't control. i can control weed, because i can start and stop at will. i know that it wasn't quitting, and i probably shouldn't have started again, but i really like to be high, i enjoy pot and i really missed it.
i finally went to the doctor, and she put me on zoloft. so hopefully the awful depressions i was having will ease up a little. it's been about a week and a half, so only time will tell if it works or not. since i've been laid up, i haven't being doing much of anything at all. just sitting here at the computer, playing games and smoking pot and cigarettes. i'm so broke, because i haven't worked now for a whole weekend. i was definitely living day to day, and i think i'm ready for paycheck world. so i can't even afford gas (i charged a carton of cigarettes so i only had to do it once). i'm lonely, it reminds me of last year when i first moved here (albany, from niagara falls, all alone save for the dog and cat)and how i would spend hours on my couch on the computer and not do much of anything. (haha except for smoking pot, which i did a lot of!)
so i feel like maybe my life is getting back on track. i'm trying to eat breakfast every day, which is a bowl of special k, and then have something for dinner. i can't afford to eat out anymore, so now i am forced to cook and eat what i have. so i bought good things. the other thing with that is that i'm not expending any energy whatsoever, so i'm not getting very hungry, and i'm losing weight without trying. i dropped 5 pounds this week (back to a comfortable 115, but not my lowest at 112). even though i'm not trying to lose it, i'm not trying to stop it, but that's ED in me. So it feels good to be able to just sit here and not eat. Sometimes i make myself. sometimes i don't. every day is a battle.
ok, enough of this rambling. i think i just needed to get it all out, i think i made some big decisions and life changing things happened, and i think i made the right decisions too. even having ED scream at me to just give up and go back to friday's, but maybe i'm starting to yell back. it's a step, isn't it?
thanks for any of you that made it this far. my intention wasn't my life story, but you got it anyway. thanks for "listening" :) I love you all.
Cadey