Been a long time, update(triggs) but +iv

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Been a long time, update(triggs) but +iv
7
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 1:06pm
You may say I am in recovery. For the past 7 years + I have let Satan control my thoughts. He has made me think I am fat, horrible, ugly, and a no hoper. Well, deep in my mind, I knew that it was good that I wanted to worship and NOT Satan. I have tried so hard over the years and its been tough. Since getting therapy for nearly 2 years, she then moved on and I am waiting on a new person but so far, its been 5 months or so. I don't know if I need it now but would like to maybe talk to a Christian Counsellor which for me, would be more appropriate.

I have always known in my heart, tho sometimes very distant, that God was the man who created me, loves me and so on. I think when the ED took real control, I forgot God as there seemed to be nothing else in like to work at. I went thru real depressive times, I could have committed suicide or,well I had thought about it but if it came down to it, I prob would have chickened out...........WHY? Cos God was really working in my life and I didn't acknowledge it?

Well, about 2 years ago I told 2 people in USA about how I really was..........the fact I had been hiding everything for so so long. They were amazing friends and they didn't judge me and have been there for me EVER since. Since telling them, I have grown really close to a lot of people there from my visits and the majority of them know all about me. Its hard telling people but I know, they care no matter what. At the end of the day, I didn't choose to be controlled like I was and if I could turn the clock back I would. I have to believe that God put me thru this to be of help to others and try not to allow them to suffer as I have done for about a 1/3 or my life. Its not worth it even tho I know myself, its so hard to kick cos when you have control like that, MAN, you don't ever see you have a prob and think that what you do is normal. Well, let you tell me and let me remind myself................IT IS NOT NORMAL.

After my last visit to the USA.............only 2 weeks ago, I really had the opportunity to talk to a dear friend about my issues even tho she knew everything. It was an emotional time but I knew, no matter what, she was there for me. I love her so much and appreciate the person she is to me. I can see Gods love thru her reaching out to me and I think that is WONDERFUL. We talked about it from a Christian point of VIEW and the fact that God made me the way I was meant to be for a reason. He didn't make me to harm my body, to be depressed, to think about ending it, to really lose a lot of my life but he wanted me to be like him, PERFECT. He knows everything about me.

I know this is a bit far fetched but has anyone seen BRUCE ALMIGHTY? It was also then that I thought.........wow, what a person God is....look at all he is doing and we on earth take it so much for granted. God gets millions and millions of prayers and yet, he is always watching us and with us. I pray for me now that God will watch over me and I will really feel his presence. This is what I need to work on. Yes, when I read his word, I sometimes feel a peace but not always. This worries me but to cut the story shorter, recently I have really been thinking about my life. WHAT is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? Why was I made the way I am?

Well, I am trying so hard to fight the thoughts given by Satan and really think about Jesus and what he would do. It will take time to really feel better but I know, for the past 4 days, I have been eating, praying, studying the book, The Purpose Driven Life and also, last night, I got a real call and I thought.......I don't wanna weigh tomorrow and guess what....I fought the temptation and I didn't weigh....I was so proud. My weight is going up but I know this is part of getting better. I am eating carefully and if I gain, I will just be sensible and not starve etc. but think, right, I have been a bit silly and just watch what I eat. Does God love me any less if I have more weight or fat on me.....?

Of course he doesn't!

I am trying hard but would appreciate your prayers that this will continue. 7+ YEARS isn't going to get better over night but I have hope that I will get there. Yes, there may be times when I slip back but I need to be strong to handle that. I am getting stronger and for the first time in years, I feel ok about my body................NOT COMPLETELY satisfied but if I can't change it after 7 years, is it worth more damage. Since Aug 1996 my periods have been virtually non exsistent.............not even the equivalent of 12 over this time. Most of these were just there a day and barely non exsistent. For the past 4 months, tho its hard to feel that I am gaining weight, this is a good sign. I was neglecting my body and risking the fact I may not be able to have children but now, I know that getting my period is natural and to be healthy I need it.

Sorry to be so long winded, just wanted to share that with you guys.

On a final note, here is a poem I wrote at a half day of prayer in USA

WHO AM I?

Who am I? What am I?

You share my hurt yet you love me the same,

You made my life, you created my image,

I can't change what I am-a gift from you.

Catch me when I fall and when I feel weak,

Release the truth in my heart,

Reverse the thoughts that carry my pain,

Knowing that life with you is my only gain.

When life is against me, show me the way,

Open my heart, carry me each day,

Reveal who I am, reveal what I am,

Draw me close, make my life more calm.

This is my prayer to you my God,

I am your child, you are my Lord,

Show me your plan, the meaning of life,

My purpose, my path and my all.


LUV TO YOU ALL,

ALLY XXXXX

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 1:31pm

Hi Ally, it sure is good to hear from you. I am glad things are going in the right direction for you. I can tell you that you can never go wrong with God. After struggling for 22 years and trying just about everything I could think of, I finally gave God a try 2 1/2 years ago and have been in recovery since then. It has been an amazing journey - not always easy but always good - and I am excited that you are on this journey, too.


The poem is beautiful - thank you for sharing it.

Love & hugs, Kristina


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 2:41pm
you are getting there and I am so proud. Keep leaning on Jesus
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 6:20pm
let me try again with my post, without the errors. I am still tired from travelling back from USA so forgive me. Here it is and hopefully able to read better,

Ally xxx

You may say I am in recovery. For the past 7 years + I have let Satan control my thoughts. He has made me think I am fat, horrible, ugly, and a no hoper. Well, deep in my mind, I knew that it was God that I wanted to worship and NOT Satan. I have tried so hard over the years and its been tough. Since getting therapy for nearly 2 years, she then moved on and I am waiting on a new person but so far, its been 5 months or so. I don't know if I need it now but would like to maybe talk to a Christian Counsellor which for me, would be more appropriate.

I have always known in my heart, tho sometimes very distant, that God was the man who created me, loves me and so on. I think when the ED took real control, I forgot God was there and there seemed to be nothing else in life to work at. I went thru real depressive times, I could have committed suicide or,well I had thought about it but if it came down to it, I prob would have chickened out...........WHY? Cos God was really working in my life and I didn't acknowledge it?

Well, about 2 years ago I told 2 people in USA about how I really was..........the fact I had been hiding everything for so so long. They were amazing friends and they didn't judge me and have been there for me EVER since. Since telling them, I have grown really close to a lot of people there from my visits and the majority of them know all about me. Its hard telling people but I know, they care no matter what. At the end of the day, I didn't choose to be controlled like I was and if I could turn the clock back I would. I have to believe that God put me thru this to be of help to others and try not to allow them to suffer as I have done for about a 1/3 or my life. Its not worth it even tho I know myself, its so hard to kick cos when you have control like that, MAN, you don't ever see you have a prob and think that what you do is normal. Well, let you tell me and let me remind myself................IT IS NOT NORMAL.

After my last visit to the USA.............only 2 weeks ago, I really had the opportunity to talk to a dear friend about my issues even tho she knew everything. It was an emotional time but I knew, no matter what, she was there for me. I love her so much and appreciate the person she is to me. I can see Gods love thru her reaching out to me and I think that is WONDERFUL. We talked about it from a Christian point of VIEW and the fact that God made me the way I was meant to be for a reason. He didn't make me to harm my body, to be depressed, to think about ending it, to really lose a lot of my life but he wanted me to be like him, PERFECT. He knows everything about me.

I know this is a bit far fetched but has anyone seen BRUCE ALMIGHTY? It was also then that I thought.........wow, what a person God is....look at all he is doing and we on earth take it so much for granted. God gets millions and millions of prayers and yet, he is always watching us and with us. I pray for me now that God will watch over me and I will really feel his presence. This is what I need to work on. Yes, when I read his word, I sometimes feel a peace but not always. This worries me but to cut the story shorter, recently I have really been thinking about my life. WHAT is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? Why was I made the way I am?

Well, I am trying so hard to fight the thoughts given by Satan and really think about Jesus and what he would do. It will take time to really feel better but I know, for the past 4 days, I have been eating, praying, studying the book, The Purpose Driven Life and also, last night, I got a real call and I thought.......I don't wanna weigh tomorrow and guess what....I fought the temptation and I didn't weigh....I was so proud. My weight is going up but I know this is part of getting better. I am eating carefully and if I gain, I will just be sensible and not starve etc. but think, right, I have been a bit silly and just watch what I eat. Does God love me any less if I have more weight or fat on me.....?

Of course he doesn't!

I am trying hard but would appreciate your prayers that this will continue. 7+ YEARS isn't going to get better over night but I have hope that I will get there. Yes, there may be times when I slip back but I need to be strong to handle that. I am getting stronger and for the first time in years, I feel ok about my body................NOT COMPLETELY satisfied but if I can't change it after 7 years, is it worth more damage. Since Aug 1996 my periods have been virtually non exsistent.............not even the equivalent of 12 over this time. Most of these were just there a day and barely non exsistent. For the past 4 months, tho its hard to accept that I am gaining weight, this is a good sign I have been getting them. I was neglecting my body and risking the fact I may not be able to have children but now, I know that getting my period is natural and to be healthy I need it.

Sorry to be so long winded, just wanted to share that with you guys.

On a final note, here is a poem I wrote at a half day of prayer in USA

WHO AM I?

Who am I? What am I?

You share my hurt yet you love me the same,

You made my life, you created my image,

I can't change what I am-a gift from you.

Catch me when I fall and when I feel weak,

Release the truth in my heart,

Reverse the thoughts that carry my pain,

Knowing that life with you is my only gain.

When life is against me, show me the way,

Open my heart, carry me each day,

Reveal who I am, reveal what I am,

Draw me close, make my life more calm.

This is my prayer to you my God,

I am your child, you are my Lord,

Show me your plan, the meaning of life,

My purpose, my path and my all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 7:54am
hey

congrats on the whole recovery thing....im really jealous!! (im afraid i dont believe in god....well, except for orlando bloom of course heehee, so i cant really ask him for help, just my friend...the only person who knows the truth and she has a similar problem....we help each other and i dont know where i would be without her....probably even more insane than i am heehee)

absolutely love the peom....guess poets really do need pain to write well....me, i got the pain just not the poet in me....oh well.

so, like i sed...love the poem....you should write more

good luck with the recovery...hope your faith helps and hope you have the willpower to see it through...dont forget, i have faith in you...i know you can do it, so does your God.

*good luck*

*hugs + kisses*

lauren
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 8:19am
Thanx for your post. I really appreciate your comments. There is NO need to be jealous cos you can go there too. God has really helped me and I know its gonna be tough but I DO knoe that life can't go on as it was. You know, God made you and he knows all about you. He loves you and hurts at your pain. He doesn't like people to suffer and sometimes we ask ourself....why does God allow things to happen? This is something I have really been questioning but you know, personally, I think that he let me go thru this to help other people and be there for people if and when they need me....like you right now. Yes, I care and if you ever wanna talk, I am here for you. You can get thru this but without God's help, its Satan you are fighting and believe you me, its a nasty road. I will pray for you-what is your name?

I have more poetry which I have to update cos I have written quite a few more. Here is my site address:

http://pages.ivillage.com/ally222000

and

my email is

xxxoallyoxxx@aol.com

Takecare and know you are loved

Ally xxxx

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 8:22am
Sorry LAUREN.......Just saw your name.............silly me!

ally xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 8:51pm
Hey Ally, i am so glad to hear how well you are doing!!!!, just remember that, God made you PERFECT already, i'm glad you are getting healthier, and it sounds like you have some beautiful insight into your disorder, spiritually, physically..these aspects of health are very important. Keep up this holism, including god in how you feel about your body. You are lucky to have such wonderful friends.

Bless you

Jade