Am I destined to make everyone hate?(T)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Am I destined to make everyone hate?(T)
2
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 12:00pm
My life was so out of control 5 years ago, I used food as control, then cutting.

For years I have been yelled at for cutting, and then when the anorexia became clearer then the bulimia, I was yelled at for the anorexia.

I went into treatment, I tried to get my life back, I did for 1 year, when really,I was just eating to block my feelings.

I started losing wieght again 3 months ago, maybe 4, people said well done, that I looked good, people actually had something good to say about me, I mean me, the dirty girl, was being praised, it confused me, but people were being actually positive and treating me like a human being, I loved it. So I carried on.

I am now 50 pounds lighter, 3 and half stone lighter in 3 months, alot of wieght lost fast, I know. It feels so normal to me.

How do I just forget my coping method, my life, my whole damn thoughts and be "normal", huh?

My food diary, I fill in like a ritual, the cals, the date, how much I wiegh, the exercise I did, etc, make sure I do 35 situps in the morning, and then again at night.

Looking in mirror, at each angle, each bend, and stretch and pose, look for the wobbly bits, hide the places I hate- all of my body.

Please just don't yell, just hug me and ask me why I am doing this, please.

When your angry I get scared and go deeper into my world of numbers and food.

Please save me before I am eaten so much by this beast that there is no getting better.

Maybe I am screwed now, maybe it will never go, but I can fight a bit now, don't let me go past the stage of fighting.


God help me, hear me, please.

Kate

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 8:22am

Hi Kate,


My heart goes out to you sweetie and I wish I could be there to

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:13am

Dear Kate:


It is devastating when we relapse and its a life long struggle one that seems to never go away.