katie
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katie
| Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:49pm |
Good to hear from you!! I know exactly how you feel!! I don't want to really lose weight, but peopel want me to gain it and I don't want to be any bigger than I am. If I can stay where I am at or a couple pounds less, I will be fine. The problem is, I am not completely happy, so what makes me think I will be any smaller. Anyway, hang in there girl and don't beat yourself up or deprive yourself to much. Watch the exercise, take it from the expert over exerciser!! I love you and glad you are back, oh, you are not bothering anybody here!! Love, Sharon

Your so nice to me, all of you are, I dont deserve you guys.
I hope you can feel happy about yourself sometime soon Sharon, and well to all basically, it's like some days, we see how we look, we see the truth for a few blissfull seconds, then it says-
"Gross! One more pound and you will look great and you will be a nice person!"
Then it says it again and again, I have heard that 52 times past 3 months, and so I have dropped 52 times.
I'm a very small size, few shops have clothes my size, and if they do, there just horrible clothes, or very expensive! Everytime I walk I feel like I am 100 pounds heavier then I am.
My mother told me I was too thin yesterday, and now my mama told me tonight, my dad is hinting at my wieght at the moment, it wont be long till he says outright I am not right wieght. But will I ever be right wieght? Too much, or too less?
I saw the truth for a blissful second today, and I was thin. I was...a waif.
My waist has shrunk, my size 8 trousers are baggy on my legs. Size 6 is the last size in adult clothes, there are practically no clothes at size 6 in the UK. You have to look right at the back of the racks for a odd size 6. In the US thats a size 4.
I don't want to trigger people, I just want to knock some sense into me, I want to relax about near 2000, like a normal person would. If I go over 1400 a day, I totally freak, totally go mad and panic.
I mean, it's natural, we have to eat to live, when we eat we feel full and comfortable, when I eat I comfortable with a tiny amount in me, and that little hunger pang, it makes me feel strong. Am I strange? Yes I am, I dont need to ask that question!
To be normal, I have to feel uncomfortable, I have to eat so much more, I have to be a normal person. What is normal? Some people are goth's, some people are obese, some people have lots of tatoo's, some people are short, some people are in wheel chairs, some people have a illness, some people are gay, some people are cross dressers, some people like classic music, I love metal music. So, who is normal? There is no normal I have come to view recently. We are all different people, different lifes, why can't people accept me, like I accept them?
Example, TV advert, an atractive woman comes homes from work, sits infront of a warm fire and relaxes and eats icecream from a tub, pretty normal.
Tv advert 2, a clothe's advert, a skinny woman in a sexy lacy bra, toned, slim and gorgeous, thats normal apparently.
You buy a magazine, theres diets and wieght loss stories in every magazine I see.
Pick up another mag about fashion, theres models showing nice clothes for a company, then flick a page and theres a recipe for a big sticky chocolate cake thats easy to make.
We are right to be confused! What is right?????
Is there any wonder there is so much confusion, mental health issues and eating disorders rising each day?!
When I get angry, I turn to a blade or tablets, I do it to hurt me. It's me showing emotion, showing anger and hurt.
When my mother gets angry she slams doors, or maybe breaks a cup by accident, it's negative, it's a emotion, anger.
I get told I am the worse person cos I hurt myself, that is not true. Is is bad to show anger, but we need to do it, we are not all the same!
Why can't people accept its a way to cope, as with any other thing.
People overeat when there angry or upset, some starve, some puke there food. Society says the starving and binging is worse, when infact it's just as bad as binging, people just accept overeating as a thing, not a problem.
People are so ignorant to things today, only view things they want to see as a problem!
People drink at the pub alot, its a way to cope, thats not viewed as bad until it gets like alcoholism, same as smoking, it's ok to smoke if your legal age, it's dangerous, just as drinking, binging, starving or puking, or slamming a door.
I just get so damn mad. I am so desperate for people to open thier eyes!
Sorry, had to rant, didn't want to trigger. If you have any response to this, please type away. I would love to hear from you, thanks for reading.
Take care all,
Kate
x
I'm an on and off lurker on this board, however I used to post on it infrequently a few years ago. I'm not sure exactly what to "say" back to you after your intuitive, intense, emotional on-the-mark message. I guess I'll just go with the flow. As I was reading your note, I was literally saying out loud "oh my God", at least 6-7 times while reading. I could have written your post. I SO understand your feelings, it's as if you jumped into my head and wrote down my thoughts. I've never been able to explain my ed in such an eloquent and truthful way. I used to be bulimic/anorexic (bulimarexia?), but now I'm basically a person who has a horrible relataionship with food, but even more so - my body. Recently, I too was told by several people that I'm "getting too thin" but I just don't understand what they see. I truly, truly, truly look in the mirror and see fat, and dimples, and bulges and rolls which my husband says I'm crazy for seeing. He tries so hard to convince me that I'm not fat and that I am too skinny but his words mean nothing to me. In my head, I shrug them off as insignificant and not true. I know I'm rambling now, but I just wanted to write you and let you know that somebody out there is experiencing your same feelings of disgust with her body, hating the media and society for confusing women with their mixed - and unrealistic images, and ALWAYS burdened with worries about food, calories, exercise and getting fat. I even am like you in that I sooooo wish to feel comfortable with eating a 2000 calorie daily diet, but yet, I freak out and feel HORRIBLE and angry at myself for being "weak" if I eat more than 1500 calories. Some days, I'm even harder on myself and I get angry that I couldn't stay under 1200. Those are my real "fat days." But, like you, I have those fleeting moments, those wonderful moments when I look at myself in the mirror and think to myself, "I really don't look that fat" or "maybe I AM too skinny". Those moments come and go so fast, don't they? My poor husband has to listen to me at least 5 - 10 times a day (at LEAST) mention/talk about how gross I look, or how I really need to stop eating so much and lose a few more pounds. Sometimes it's just me asking him if I look fat. The poor guy....he will answer "no," then that's never good enough for me. I usually then say "not even chubby?" and he'll go "God, no or HELL no" and I'll say, "you're not lying to me and trying to make me feel better, are you?" I'm driving him crazy, not to mention myself. Such a war going on in my head. Eat. Don't eat. Fat, not fat. Sometimes - more often than not - my stomach growling gives me a feeling of strength, that I have somehow been victorious.....but at what? I don't know.
Your message really touched me. I had to reply. Not that I would wish my ED on anybody, but it's so comforting to know that what I'm feeling does not make me crazy, and if it means I AM crazy, at least there's somebody else in the world who is just as crazy. :-)
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. You definitely did not fall on deaf - or ignorant - ears. I hear you.
Many thanks - and appreciative hugs,
Stacy
Hey babe, thanks for the reply, it really helps me to hear how people react to my opinions, helps me sort things out, if you get my drift?
I mean, theres so much crap in my head, and someone actually understands it! Amazing!
Hope your ok today babe, I feel good today cos I dropped another one today, 2 pnds in 5 days, far too fast, very unhealthy, I should be scared and concerned, but I'm not, I'm happy, I'm strange. (I will put a warning sign for the trigs on this post, hope it doesn't make anyone feel bad)
My mother and richard went on holiday yesterday, away for a whole week in a different country, I'd like to say I miss them, but I'm quite glad cos I can exercise till late, eat how much I want, and not be yelled at, I'd love to be a normal person and miss them and look after myself.
It's the all knowing voice talking in this message a bit, then it's me, then it's the voice...control. Ughh, we try to control out lives by controlling food and wieght, when actaully the fat voice, that never leaves, controls us.
Wish I understood. Lol.
Anyway Stacy, thanks so much for the reply and your opinion, I hope we can talk soon, you seem to really know what I feel, it gives me a tiny glimmer or hope in my number controlled heart, thankyou.
Have a great day hun, send my wishes to your husband and tell him to be patient, tell him to hang on, it's a long ride, but we will learn from the ED roller coaster, how many years it takes to learn.
Hang in there, thanks again. Hope to hear from you soon.
Kate
x
Such kindred spirits we are, aren't we? I'm sure there are many others who share our same fears, worries, moments of happiness. It's just that YOU have so clearly expressed and put into words the things that go through my mind all of the time. My husband, who has been and continues to be the most supportive friend I could ask for, albeit exasperated at times gives me the eye rolls and long sighs, but he is with me for the long haul, thank goodness. Every person who suffers an ED, in my opinion, really needs one person who they can totally trust, who they can talk to about their most darkest, "weirdest" fears and concerns. I hope you have this one person.
Your message was not triggering to me, but I have to admit - and I know you understand this, just based on what you have written - I am jealous of your weight loss. So I guess I'm as crazy as you are. It's official! :-) Seriously, though...I'm feeling jealous because up until the last couple of weeks, I was dropping all kinds of weight. I'd get weighed at the doctor's office and gloat to myself when the scale read __lbs (I'll refrain from putting numbers, since I know that all it does is make us ED-ers compare and belittle ourselves - am I right or am I being too presumptuous?). The technician/aid would comment that I've lost a little weight but nothing beyond that. My doctor has never commented on my weight/loss. To me, I think I am obviously sick, but the doctor is either clueless or he is ignoring what he suspects about me because we are such complicated cases. Not to mention the fact that I see him for antidepressant meds and periodic visit to adjust my dosage or change the mix with a new drug cocktail (currently I'm on Wellbutrin and I've just introduced Proxac, which I was on for 5 years during my 20's. I'm not liking the Prozac at all because it is making my weight creep up. It gives me an appetite, whereas just taking Wellbutrin gave me lots of energy and didn't give me much of an appetite. I remember that I gained about 20 lbs total by the end of my 5 years on Prozac. So, now I'm starting to gain again. My family is thrilled and they tell me how "good" I look, but all that tells me is that I am getting fat and depresses me that much more, reaffirming my already existing beliefs that I'm gaining weight and getting fat. And the cycle continues..... I take the antidepressants for my depression-related anxiety (general and social) but all the introduction of Prozac seems to be doing is mellowing me out, and as a result, causing me to indulge my appetite, thus causing me more anxiety. Do I want to be calm and "fat"? Or, would I rather be stressed out and anxious and thin? Well, what would YOU do? No, you don't have to answer that.
Boy, did I go off on a tangent! Sorry, but sometimes you just get to writing and it feels so therapeutic - and enlightening in a way - to see your feelings written in front of you. Wow, I really DO have a problem, don't I? It's like I know I have an ED of some sort, but because I don't "cleanly" fit into any particular ED category, I use that as my justification for not believing that I have an ED. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I'm trying to eat more and not feel guilty for it because I'm starting to see a glimmer of what others see. This is due to the Prozac, I'm sure, but more so because I was starting to show signs of unhealthiness and malnutrition. It was physically affecting my body. My hair was breaking off like crazy, my skin was pale (probably anemic), and even worse, I got some sort of infection/sores on the corners of my mouth (doctor calls it angular cheilitis) which were excruciatingly painful and ugly. I've had 3 different diagnoses for it, and finally, a doctor pointed out what it was, and he said that it was pretty common among those with immunity issues and often times among malnourished people, mostly women. He said it's a vitamin deficiency, mainly iron. He came right out and asked me, "Are you eating a well-balanced diet, 3 meals a day?" and I told him "no, probably not" and he went on to say that THAT was my problem. This infection not only hurt like hell, but it was quite unsightly and caused me much embarrassment which I got to deal with along with my fears of being fat. After having this "thing" for 4 and a half months, it is only now pretty much all gone. Just a trace of the redness is there, but no soreness and probably not obvious to anyone else. I know that it's because I've been trying to eat healthier and taking a multivitamin each day. He gave me cream to put on it, which has also helped, but he said it would not heal - and would probably get worse - if I didn't start eating better. He was definitely on to something.
This "thing" was my final straw (for now, I guess). I don't want to look like a freak with this gross thing on my face! So, I'm eating better, but begrudgingly and only due to my own vanity. AAAAAHHHHHHHHH, I drive myself crazy.....
It's so nice to talk to you and find such a kindred spirit. Take care and forgive me for my ramblings.
Stacy
im like u stacy and katie, but i think i might b a bit worse (dont wanna trigger ne 1 and am soooooo glad that there are other freaks like me out there that i can talk, not that i would wish this on my worst enemy, but ne way...) i have this obsession with calorie counting...if my overall calorie loss that i estimate each day is less than 3000, i think im fat (wich i am) and if im out all day horse ridin or sumthin and i work off like 4000 or mayb even (like today) 5000, i still totally freak out if i eat much more than 500. i am such a FREAK.and after doing this for at least 4 months, i havent lost a lb. WHAT IS UP WITH ME?? i did start a discussion on this, so i wont go on bout it any more.....
*totally ugly and fat and obsessed and depressed*
lauren