I don't know me
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| Sat, 11-01-2003 - 4:42am |
What is this whole ED thing? It's a disease? what kind of disease gets into your head so you don't even know what's real and what's not anymore? and HOW? how did i get this stupid voice telling me to starve and be skinny and be under 110 lbs...WHY? when did i make the decision to let ED take over my life? Is it about control? What is so wrong with my life that i have to let ED lead it instead of me? Nothing traumatic (really) has happened to me...i was never abused, molested, raped, nothing. Great childhood, not perfect of course, but no ones is. Very loving parents that are hugely supportive of me even now. And they are still together and very much in love. I had opportunities at every turn...i got accepted to every college i applied to (way back when). I was able to go to school and have that whole big going away to college experience that is just so typical. I made the decision to move after graduation, to get away and meet new people. i learned how to live in a place where you know NO ONE at all. I made friends. I learned how to make friends. I got a job, and it was waitressing, but i was happy. i was making money. meeting new people. ugh and doing more drugs.
is it the drugs? is using just augmenting the eating disorder? i smoke pot to forget, and when i do smoke pot i tend to have a larger appetite. (other drugs are not an issue, not that i don't use them, but that they are very recreational and pot is my drug of choice.)
i know that i am smart. i know that i am pretty. i know that i am thin. so WHAT THE HELL? i graduated from a prestigious university with two degrees in four years, i support myself and am leading a very social life, making friends and dates. and yet i can't go to the bathroom without looking at the scale...twice. i strip totally naked and even remove ALL my jewelry to get the lowest possible reading. i even put a little weight on the towel rack, just to see what the scale would look like under 110, under 100. i never thought i'd see under 120 again, and here i am. back at a low weight. if i can go this far, i can get even thinner. you'll see.
WHO IS YOU????? who the hell am i trying to impress by being emaciated? who am i trying to get attention from, love from, affection from? why is it i can't find it in myself? as i sit here my stomach rumbles and rumbles...i had a little binge two days ago (i had two frozen bagels and a half veggie sub from subway) and i can't get over it. ican see the fat on me. i can feel the rolls on my stomach.
BUT THEY ARE NOT REALLY THERE! what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i figure out how to stop this? and why do i really not want to stop in the first place? it's so seductive, ED reels you in and won't let you out. it's awful and i love it. god, maybe ED is my drug of choice.
i lay in bed and run my hands all over myself. i feel every rib, my hip bones i'm so proud of. and all the work it took to get to see my chest bones (you know, like debra messing and courtney cox? yeah, media should take NO RESPONSIBILITY for that<-sarcasm), i'd rather die than have them covered up with ugly ugly fat again.
ahh, and then there's the whole "really wanted to down a whole bottle of tylenol pm so that i fall asleep and just never wake up" thing. i even wrote goodbye letters. i am so crazy. and yet again, didn't i fail at the suicide thing. couldn't do it. chickened out. i'm weak, pathetic, awful, annoying. i hate myself.
and see? here is ed again. where before i really believed myself when i wrote, "I know that i am smart. i know that i am pretty. i know that i am thin." now i don't believe it. it switched just like that. now i'm in ED's world again. i'm stronger than the hunger. i've got to be stronger than something! if hunger it is, then hunger it is. screw you normalcy. i want to starve. maybe when i really do hit that magic number on the scale, someone will finally tell me "God you are so thin, you must be the strongest person in the world to deny yourself like that. you have so much self-discipline and self-control. can i just touch you where your bones stick out? i'm so proud of you for being so skinny."
Now how F'ING RIDICULOUS IS THAT? is that what i want to hear? is that what we all want to hear? would you EVER say that to someone else? why is my self-perception all distorted? What the hell am i? GDDAMN when can i get this screaming voice out of my head? when can i go back to being me? is this me? is this how i'm going to be forever? constantly comparing myself to other people? i'm skinnier than her...and her and her and her and her and her...oh but not her. but i will be. give me a week, i'll be skinnier. i'll be the skinniest girl in the world! and then i'll be dead. for what. for nothing. for some stupid voice in my head that I DONT EVEN LIKE. for something i certainly don't believe in. NO! I WILL NOT DIE FOR SOMETHING AS FOOLISH AS A GDDAMN EATING DISORDER! Just eat! eat eat eat! and get fat fat fat. can anyone else hear ed in me tonight? good lord! i'm so angry at myself, and it's not even like it's at myself, it's at another personality...am i schizo too?
i have got to find something in my life to drive me besides this warped addiction to starvation. i need to find what it is i am here for. because i just cannot see it. i can see the veins through the skin in my hands. i can see my hair falling out in the shower every day. i can see my hipbones protruding from my belly. (what belly) i can see the look of disappointment in my own face when i gain weight. but i can't see things that are really important. i can't see people that love me. i can't see my real reflection in a mirror. i can't see my purpose.
ok. that is enough. i'm interested in seeing what anyone thought of this wild rant, if anyone has made it this far. and if you have...thank you. i really needed to say all that to someone who understands me and won't think i'm a COMPLETE nut job. so thank you again for listening. i love this board because i can come here in the middle of the night when all my bulimic and anorexic thoughts are racing and i can get it out. without being shrugged off or eyes rolled at. it means very much to me. i love you.
Cadey


Your not a nut job, I do that too. I lay down each night and feel my bones, and think maybe if I felt more bones I would be a nicer person, maybe I would be a good person, and people would like me.
Even as I write this, I just felt my chest bone, and thought more could show in a few weeks, I more then likely will make them stick out more.
Were controlled, and yes good point, what kind of disease can get in your head and make you not see the truth for so many many years, you'd think we'd see it coming, I didn't see it, till I was hating my size 6 figure (US 4), and then later I was sent to a ED inpatient clinic, because I was so thin and ill.
Maybe it is drug, or maybe it's just a coping method, like other people would take drugs to relax. I am addicted to sleeping pills, I have to take 9 times the dose most nights to sleep, it's a huge dose, very dangerous, but if I dont take them at night, my anorexia chases all my thoughts round my head, till there dizzy.
I have to go to 7 different chemists and buy them at a week or so at a time, cos with buying so many I would get sussed out. It's one pill a night, and there meant to be strong ones! I take 9 days worth at a time!
I am ashamed of my secret of addiction to sleepers, but I'm not ashamed of my ED, well I am, cos some people are naturally thin, and I have to starve myself to be that thin, so I am ashamed really.
I don't know.
Your right Cadey, it's a screwed up world, with lots of screwed up heads, but does anyone know what a right head is? Maybe heads are meant to be screwed up a little?
Who knows?
Anyway take care Cadey and thanks for the post, I know what you feel, the bone thing, the goal in life to be so thin and never get fat again.
Hang in there, I hope you sleepwell babe.
Thinking of you.
Kate
x
Hi Sweetie,
You are definitely NOT a nut job - or, if you are, then all of us are nut jobs and at least you're not alone. :)
I am not even going to attempt to answer all your questions because I honestly can't. But I can share with you what I have learned over the years through struggling with the same disease. And you hit the nail on the head quite a few times with some of the things you said.
You mentioned that you smoke pot to forget. Well, what are you trying to forget? Is it ED or something else. ED is really no different. We binge, purge, starve, etc. to forget what ever it is we really don't want to deal with. You said you had a near perfect childhood but you also mentioned in the Friday Five post that you can't go to sleep at night and are awake for hours hoping someone will call. You seem to be starved for attention, some kind of attention that you are not getting. That leads me to believe that maybe your childhood wasn't all that perfect - and I could be totally, totally wrong here.
And sometimes there are things in our lives that we just don't want to remember. Now I am not saying you were raped or abused, but there could be things in your past that were so horrible to you at the time you completely blocked them out. It doesn't have to be child abuse or sexual abuse or something that drastic. I know that over the years I learned a lot of things about myself and my past that a few years ago just didn't exist. I finally realized how turning to ED was easier and more convenient than dealing with them. We start using ED to cover something up or block something out and before you know it ED becomes a way of life. And then it's just more comfortable to turn to our old ways then to deal with the real issue. When I first started counseling I had NO association with my feelings or ED and my feelings what so ever. I just couldn't see how something upsetting or frightening or something in my past led me to a binge or to starvation. As I continued ocunseling and doing what ever I could to heal, I started to recognize when I wanted to turn to ED. First I realized after something upsetting happened that I wanted to starve myself and I did. And this got better and better to where I am at now. When something upsetting happens I typically don't want to turn to ED anymore but occasionally I do, but
Love & hugs, Kristina
i totally no wot ur talkin about...i think i am suicidal about 90% of the time, half of the time i wish a truck would run me over coz ive bin thru enuf with this ed, the other half the time, i want 2 swallow sum acid and make it slow and painful coz i cant even starve myself, i hav 2 binge all the time, which leads 2 purging, but that just gives me blisters on my hands, not exactly painful...
i no how u lot all think ur fat and thn sumtimes u say u no ur not...wel i actually am, im not just being neurotic or woteva u want 2 call it, but u cant c my bones newhere, theyre all covered in 10stone of fat. sometimes i think screw the world and every1 in it, im fat and im proud (thats about 1 second of a year, less in the last 2 yrs) basically, i always think im fat and i have 2 get thin, i have willpower, i count calories, i do loads of excercise (even tho i h8 it all) and i get a rough estimation of my calorie loss at the end of the day (usually around 3000) but, for the past 2 months, i have not lost a lb. it is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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depressing :( i starve myself and i purge most things i eat, but i dont lose a single lb, in fact...i put 1 on!!!!!!!!!!! i just went on holiday...loads of canoeing, loads of pretending 2 eat, loads of suicidal thoughts and absolutely loads of aching muscles....i put on 2kg. Y? Y? Y? Y? Y? Y? Y? Y? Y? i DONT GET IT, WHAT IS UP WITH ME????
bet the reat of u starve urselves etc and actually lose weight, my 'suffering' is all in vain.....i'll just have 2 suffer more, i guess...
*totally fat, ugly and depressed*
lauren