SO LOST.. trig

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
SO LOST.. trig
3
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 10:05am
I would like to say thank you to those that replied to my post or even if you just glanced over it. I am also sorry for dumping all my "drama" on you women so abrutly. (and that's not even my whole story!) The encouraging words and support made me feel like important and I really appreciate it. However, sometime yesterday afternoon after I had posted here I got a call from my ex. Him and I talk occassionally, usually he calls me. I don't want to talk to him but once I've answered and it's him, I don't want to hang up. It's like a LOVE/HATE relationship. We talked about me possibly being pregnant and he said he wanted nothing to do with it. It takes two to make a baby!! And then he went on to say "I'm so confused," "Gimme time," "I still love you." GRRRR! He makes me so confused, it drives me insane!

After we talked I binged and purged and went crying to my mother. We talked and I realized it's selfish of me to bring a child into this world who isn't wanted by anyone but me. I don't know. I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in one day and couldn't hold back from B/P all night. Now all I want to do is somehow kill the unborn baby and go to sleep forever and ever.

I'm sorry ladies, I've just been EXTREMELY moody. Thanks for letting me vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lostpawz
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 11:12am

Hi Sweetie,


Please don't apologize for sharing or venting - that's what the board is here for. We are all in need of support at different times and people are here in part to support those in need.


If your child is really not wanted by anybody but you, which is hard to believe, then that is no reason not to have your child. YOU want it and that's what is important. Or you could have the baby and give him/her up for adoption. There are many couples out there who would love to have a baby but can't. I know this is a big decision, but please don't rush into anything, especially an abortion. I don't want you to do something you alter regret and then beat yourself up over.


Have you looked into some 12-step programs? I have been in them myself and I have good friends who recovered from alcohol and drug addiction with the help of 12-step programs. Here are some websites for you to check out:


http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.org/


http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/


www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org


www.overeatersanonymous.org


http://www.celebraterecovery.com/global.asp


www.somethingfishy.org


Let me know if there is any specific way we can help you.

Love & hugs, Kristina


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
In reply to: lostpawz
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:56pm
Lostpawz,

How I know how frustrated you are, how I know....

I'm addicted to a drug too, it's got so bad past few months, I have to take 9 or 10 times the dose to get the sleeply kick I get at night, I have to have them or I think about food, and raid the kitchen. I like the feeling of things shutting off, my legs, then my arms, then my head feels heavy, I stop thinking, my eyes go heavy, then I am too tired to eat or to think, or exercise, I just sleep.

I asked a doctor online anonymously, about the drug and the dose I have, and they said it was very dangerous, and possible fatal doses, I have to stop now and get help.

I will feel so stupid asking for help! The sleeping tablets, are legal, there over the counter strong nytol, I need 10 a night, I travel to so many chemists to have enough for a week, then I have to go back so often.

It's so expensive, £68 pounds for a month, a damn MONTH. Just to keep my dirty little secret, a secret! I am scared of having them taken away, how will I sleep? What about my thoughts? How will I cope? I am terrified, I am scared of so much.

Of being loved, of feeling upset and having no blades or pills to hurt myself with, of feeling wanted, it scares me so damn much!

I am scared of life, scared to come out of my shell of numbers and pills and blades, of all the scars I have on my arms, and the scars on my soul.

I'm just trying to say, I understand, I reallly do.

Get help hun, get help. Last time I refused help so much, I was forced into a psych ward for months on ends, I didn't drink or eat, I didn't walk, I stayed in bed, eventually I was forced to drink or have a IV line put it by force cos I was killing myself.

I couldn't even look at the doctors face, or open my eyes, let alone talk to anyone, I was so ill!

I was shortly sent to an ED clinic where I was impatient imediately, I have never had such a scray time in my life as to go in a place where food was forced, I had to eat, I had all blades away from me, all pills, gone. I resorted to banging my head on the wall, and soon after I wasn't allowed alone anywhere while I was awake, I was checked reguarly at night incase I was awake and trying to kill or hurt myself again, I was soo close to being sent to the psych ward again, I was very ill.

You don't want to go through that babe, I was 17 years old, I had just turned 17 and I had gone through all that, I was raped and was unable to talk for 3 years.

Life is a bitch, but try and fight it. Try and fight...Or you will be forced to live, forced by tubes, doctors and sections and restraints.

You choose hun, choose life, dont make others force it on you.

Live, for me, please.

I hope this is all a warning to you all, try, and keep trying, no one deserves the hell I have been through. No one.

I love you all.

Kate

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: lostpawz
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:33pm
hi kate,

sounds like life has been a bit of a bitch to u...cant imagine wot uve been through, but uve got 2 look 2 the future, take ur own advice, choose life, dont make others force it on u...in other words fight the pills, dont let them run ur life...control ur own life. (just trying 2 give u some support, some determination etc coz i no how hard anything like that can be from unfortunate personal experience, but i dont want 2 go into it and im sure u dont want me 2 talk bout it, though i spose bulimia is kind of an addictive drug as well, so in that sense, weve all got a bit of an idea wot its like 2 rely on sumthing like that...FIGHT IT!!! u can do it...we have faith in u :)

and by the way, it is definitely NOT selfish to have a baby if 'only' you want it...some children grow up with noone wanting them...thats tough, but when ur mother loves, you always know u can turn 2 her 4 help, u always know shes there for u, no matter what. many children grow up without their dads, its tough but they are ok in the end. and like kristina sed, u can always give it up 4 adoption. but anyway, im no expert on babies and ur baby's future lies in ur hands...only u can make the choice as its ur life that will be changed so much by the baby...noone else has the right 2 make the decision, only u do, its ur baby, not ur mother's, not the father's, urs. like i sed, im not an expert, im just a teenager tryin 2 help, so u shpould talk 2 sum1 who knows more about it, get advice, learn about all the options before u make a decision...dont do anything rash as u may end up regretting it.

sorry if that woz no help, but i tried.

*good luck*

lauren

let us no how u do and wot u decide, we're always here if u want 2 chat/scream/just vent feelings etc as u well know, i have no doubt