So damn frustrated and trig'd! Argh! *T*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
So damn frustrated and trig'd! Argh! *T*
1
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:34pm
I apologise before I even start this post, this is an angry, and hopefully not too verbally abusive, if I do, I am very sorry, and I worn of the triggers in this damn stupid post!!!!!!

*****I warn you all now, if your not too good right now, do not read, I have warned you of my crap!!*******

I am ashamed, ashamed of what I have done to my partner (Emad), I talked about cals now and then when I was with him, but I have tried sooo damn hard to not let myself go, or I would talk about cals for hours!

I've tried, I really have, Emad, mum and my mama, all say I am too thin, I felt happy when they said that, spurred me on to lose more.

I have lost so much wieght past few months, I have never lost this much before, never, and never as fast as this.

I should be worried I know, I should be concerned!

Well, yesterday I stayed at Emad's place, had a nice time, but I noticed he was not eating at all. All day he had some soup and a small burger and a few drinks of tea,

I told him this is not enough, I even counted the cals he had that day, it was 750 cals, it's so small, He says I dont eat much but that night I ate 1300, he only had 750!!

I saw him today, tried to forget the food, and just be me with him. He asked me how many calories I had today, not hello or how are you, but how many cals I had, I felt confident and said 580 cals, and the time was 6.30 pm, which I thought was low for that time of day, but he just laughed and said, "Ha, I only had 480 today, and I'm not hungry at all"

I felt bad, I felt huge, I felt like a damn pig, I had so much more cals then him, and before he met me, he never ever knew about counting cal's, he just ate till he was full, and I always made the food, and made sure it was healthy and low fat, I never talked about the cals I counted as I made it, it would make him ill too.

I just made what he thought healthy meals, he liked it, never complained.

Now he is acting like it's a damn competition of how many cals we have, I mean, he knows I have anorexia, I have told him, explained how ill I was once, and that I try to control it, but he just seems to overlook that, and ask me how many cals I had, and how many less he has had then me!

He is starving himself, and he is starving his metabolism, his loss will slow, and he's not even fat, just a tummy that needs situp's and healthy food.

I know when I ate that many cals each day, I was weak, tired, and rarely lost wieght, I eat 1000 cals a day at least, I know eating every few hours a day I will feed my metabolism and continue to lose so much wieght, I know too much I know, dont we all?

But, I'm feeling bad eating around him, I feel gross. I feel bad.

I don't know if I can cope with this, I lost another pound recently, I was laying in bed at Emad's just talking and I looked down and my ribcage stuck out, and my stomach went in, not out. My hip bones stuck out, he said I was thin, I felt great.

Then in the morning when I was getting dressed and doing my situps, I asked if I looked fat or wobbly, and he looked at me and said "No babe, your really thin, but the sides of your tummy look a bit wobbly, you could lose a bit there maybe, but otherwise you look fine!" Then we went downstairs to a cup of tea, and some chocolate he bought, I had a small bar and he didn't touch any, I felt dirty, I ate, he hadn't and he said my tummy sides were wobbly!!!

I know I'm freaking out, but also a film I saw recently, this girl, a teenager, was pregnant in the film, when she was pregnant her legs and arms, were so slim and gorgeous, and then later in the film when she had her baby, she told her carer how she lost wieght to her original clothes size, she was like a size 4 in USA sizes and size 6 in UK sizes!!

She was so thin and pretty and gorgeous!! I felt so disgusting and gross...I feel so damn dirty...

I don't want to eat tonight, I really feel gross, but I have to eat to feed my metabolism to lose wieght, so I'm gonna try a tiny amount of something.

I feel so gross. Why do I have to be so fat and triggered, why can't I be the girl on tv, who's smart pretty and nice? Probably lots of money for the film.

Why am I so damn horrible and grossly fat!!!!


I'm a PIG!!!!

Kate

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 7:52am

Dear Katie:


First of all based on what you are telling us and how you count calories you are not fat.