Been a long time (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Been a long time (triggers)
3
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 7:56pm
Hi...I used to post here, as most of you probably know...it's been a while...it's hard for me even to consider that I have a problem most of the time, and even harder to read the posts here...so I'm sorry for popping in again so randomly. I'm not even sure when I last posted, or what I was writing about at the time...so in summary, I'm still really depressed, feeling a little bit better physically after trying to deal with the pain of fibromyalgia, migraines, etc...and still struggling with eating issues.

This past summer, I lost some weight because of an actual physical problem...a hiatal hernia, combined with irritable bowel syndrome (no fun!), which made me nauseated and not able to digest my food well. I had to try to eat and drink to keep my weight up, but it was kind of nice to keep getting smaller and smaller without meaning to. When I look back on photos from a few months ago, though, I do think I look sick...but I felt better about my body then.

A few months ago, though, my stomach problems improved, and I also started on a tricyclic antidepressant for pain (which I know can cause weight gain). In a matter of a few weeks, I'd gained five pounds, and none of my clothes fit anymore. Then this past weekend, I went on a short trip with my parents...and because I was hungry, and also because I wanted to show them I didn't have an eating disorder, I ate a lot...and gained another two pounds!

Oh, yes, in the meantime my therapist had talked to my parents and mentioned that I might have an eating disorder...so that was a big issue with them...they always tried to make me eat more at every meal...I even developed a paranoid feeling that everyone is "trying to make me fat." But I didn't think I had a disorder...I have always eaten, just small amounts, and didn't obsess about food or weight like many people with eating disorders do.

I hope none of this is triggering...I'm so sorry if it has been. Right now, though, I just don't know what to do. I am already incredibly depressed about life in general... have no job or school or friends or serious plans for the future...and the fact that I now consider myself "huge" only makes things worse. I can barely even button my "fat" jeans anymore.

And the worst thing, to me, is that I'm now constantly hungry, and eat often and hide junk food to eat. I try to cut down on my food (before, I never even felt the urge to eat)...but I feel lightheaded and horrible, and I end up eating so, so much. Not eating does cause me physical problems...I have reactive hypoglycemia, and I sometimes get migraines from skipping a meal...and once, a few months ago, I had to go to the emergency room because I had an obstruction in my intestines (possibly from not drinking enough or eating enough fiber).

So I guess I just have to "deal" with being so large. I have been surprised that, up until this point, I dealt with my weight gain relatively well...because I knew that not eating made my physical problems spin out of control. But I have now surpassed my own "limit" for what my weight should be...and I feel unhealthily overweight (though the weight chart indicates I am still a bit underweight) and completely disgusted with myself...and unable to stop eating so much.

I think I confused my parents this weekend by eating pretty normally when I was with them...they must think "how could she have an eating disorder when she eats normal portions?" And I don't want to admit to them, or to myself, that I have a problem...and most of the time I don't even think I do. I want to exercise a lot, but I have too much physical pain to handle that...though I have taken a normal dose of laxatives when I didn't really need them, just because I felt I ate too much...guess that's not a good sign.

OK, sorry to ramble on and on like this...this post is way too long for a "good to see you again" post! But it's good to see you all again...hope you're doing well...and hope you don't mind my posting here this time,

Rose

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 2:43am
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No one will ever mind you posting, that is what we are all here for. Something you said really struck me............

"I think I confused my parents this weekend by eating pretty normally when I was with them...they must think "how could she have an eating disorder when she eats normal portions?"

You know, eating disorders aren't really about food. It is an emotional disorder that makes you use food as a way of control who and what you are.

A few years a ago I was so mad and blurted out to mum and dad that I had eating problems due to Dad life and the way he treated me. She was so hurt, as was dad at the time but she said, you can't be anorexic cos you aint thin and you can't be bulimic cos you don't make yourself sick but little did she know.

By the time I told them, I was already controlled for about 3-4 years, constantly crying, wishing I was dead, hating myself, weighing everyday and living on healthy foods all the time cutting back everything I enjoyed.......chocolate, crisps,cakes etc.

I started a weight club with mum cos I WAS overweight and initially it came off then took over.

Like you, parents don't like to admit that their child has a problem they can't understand or know how to deal with.

7+ years on and I can finally say, I am eating and not weighing as much.only every second day and to be honest, I don't think about it as much. I pray to God for strength and ask him to help me believe that he is allowing the weight gain to get my body back to normal which it is. For the past 7 years my period has been virtually not there but now, the past 5 months I have had it regularly which is hard but a positive step. I now know my body needed the extra weight to be healthy and hopefully have children one day.

Sorry I am waffling. Basically, what I am trying to say, is you will get there with time. I know and can read you have been thru so much and I am soooo sorry about that. I will pray for yuo. I am here for you if you ever wanna talk. Takecare of yourself and know you are NEVER alone.

Lots of love

Ally xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 5:56pm
I am glad to see you are back!!! I am so sorry you are depressed and have had so many problems. The sad thing about Ed's is that sometimes even though we eat "normal", we feel abnormal inside because we ate. I wish I could wave my magic wond and make it go away. I do know what you are going through, I have put on a little weight too. I know, I know, I am suppose to be, but it still doesn't feel good inside. I wish I had the self control to not eat like I used to, but I don't. I definately don't want to go back to my bulimia days either. So, we have to learn to deal with it some how and that is where therapy comes in and support from friends and family. I don't think I am helping much, but I just want you to know you are not alone and I am praying for you!! Love, Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 6:10pm

Hi Rose,


Glad you came back and shared. That's what we're here for. And I totally agree with Ally on this being an emotional disorder. Food, the lack thereof,

Love & hugs, Kristina